At the end of the day we're all the same

I look at my life and my drama unfolds

I walk onto my stage and I continue to play the part of the one with less than everyone else

I see people with nicer well-furnished, neat homes

Everyone else has a higher education, status

I see people taking several classes while they have kids to take care of, jobs to work - working 24 hour a days, seven days a week doing stunning tasks while I am having troubles with my own limited tasks

Everyone else is doing something, but here I am stuck

I look at myself as a fraud, unable to play the part I am assigned to play, I should know more, do more than I am, I should be the expert and instead I feel ignorant while everyone around me has knowledge, I know nothing

And then - there is the flip side of all of this

Maybe this script is unfolding as a way for me to defeat myself

I constantly run into the illusion that I am less than another, when in reality there is no way that one can be less than another

We all breath the same air, eat the same food, drink water, sleep, defecate, urinate

We are all part of the one great spirit separated into many different cells, and our separation is an illusion

Maybe if I could talk to one of these others who appear to have more than what I do they would speak differently

Maybe one of them would say - this knowledge that I have - this piece of paper that states I have a "degree", an amount of education, that separates me from you is nothing but a lie

It is an award stating that I have jumped through hoops, forced my mind to go bulimic with knowledge so that I can memorize it for a test, vomit it all out and then forget it all within a year

What piece of paper can really claim that one has obtained knowledge - especially knowledge which continues to slip away and be forgotten

Who among us can claim to really know anything of substance, when in comparison to the vast infinite realms of knowledge that none of us can really ever know or have - we are all equally ignorant

Who is to say that a man who can make food come out of the ground from a seed is any more or less special than a man qualified to argue a case in front of a courtroom, or to prescribe pills for another's illness

Who is to say that a woman armed with scientific knowledge but unable to take care of her own soul spirit is any more accomplished than another who can nourish helpless animals that come in from the cold

Who is to say that the house or home I claim to call my own sets me apart from another who cannot make that claim, when tomorrow my house maybe decimated by flood, fire, wind, water or disaster and set me out on the street

Who is to say that I really can make a claim to own anyone or anything, when every day I spend alive maybe my last - without warning - it can all be taken away

How many who are going to quickly and suddenly die today without any hint or warning even had any hint it was coming, and if they did would they have lived their last day the way they did

Knowledge is a beautiful thing when people use it to take care of themselves and others

The only knowledge of any value is the knowledge of knowing love - how to love one's self, and to love others

I look at the wounded victim in the mirror, the one who I constantly judge for not being somebody else with the illusion of more and I embrace her for being just who she is

I look at her with love and I see the warmth coming out of her heart

I realize that I am here to help her, guide her, and love her - not to judge her or condemn her for being something she is not

I realize that she is a product of a past she cannot control, an "innocent victim of circumstance and coincidence" (Annette Peacock) and that I cannot blame her for what she is now

I release her from her past

I release her from my expectation that she should be anything other than who she is, that she should know anything more than she does, or have anything more than she has

I see she is the most beautiful shining being on the planet because her life is the life I am living

I see that my part in the script that continues to unfold in front of me does not have to be the part of the doomed victim, and that I can empower her to be the beautiful, confident warm being that is hiding underneath that frightened mask

I look at her and know that the tasks in front of me that terrify me when I face them and see them for what they are, beyond the the mask of fear, self-judgement, self-deprecation and shame are tasks that I can and will accomplish

I do not blame myself for a question that I cannot answer - I am not afraid to say I don't know but I can obtain the answer

I realize that knowledge is available to all of us and that I can do anything anyone else can, and know anything anybody else knows

I see that the only true knowledge is to become one with the warm, beautiful, loving Goddess, crone, grandmother spirit that burns like a fire in my heart, and encourages me to be the best that I can be

I shed my negativity, my fears, my feeling like I am a victim, my feeling that all are better than I am and realize that I have been lying to myself in my judgments for not having a higher degree or a higher social status

I know that the spirit and flame within my soul is the only possession I can ever have, within the parameters of my own life, and to live my day today as if it were my last I must completely embrace and nourish her, and let her be just who she is - so that when the day comes when I do part with my body I will be ready to fly to the great beyond and know that I have served my appointed task here with pride - to know that I have loved myself and loved those around me to the highest of my ability - a task that transcends knowledge, status, and possessions that are all fleeting, illusory and temporary

I look into the mirror and see that all of the medicine I need is my faith in myself

I look inside and realize that one small step at a time, I can do it - I can be there for others, I can continue to play the role of student and teacher simultaneously, that I can and will be the force of spirit and love for myself and those around me

I look a myself and say these simple words - I love you, I forgive you, I accept you, I allow you to be nothing more and less than just who you are

I embrace the divine miracle that is my life, the life appointed to me by the great Goddess spirit, the life that she gave me to be my own - a life that to call a curse is an ungrateful insult for the beautiful gift she has placed upon my existence

I promise to make my remaining days here a thank you in gratitude for the gift I have received

I can't figure out if it's the end or beginning

I am reading a book by a student of Don Ruiz named Susan Gregg called Mastering the Toltec Way and I am on board with this school of thinking. I like it more than Buddhism which seems to focus on taming all emotions and letting them all pass by - which does have its place - but these Toltec books focus on the idea of living your life in happiness as the end reult. Happiness, they say, is not necessarily dependent on outside circumstances - you don't necessarily need constant sex, money, material things, the ideal appearance, hot numbers from the opposite sex coming onto you, drugs, booze - all the shit that gets shoved down our throats in the media in ways so subtle we don't always even realize it. I admit that I don't know what the answer is for someone being beaten to death in a concentration camp, but since fortunately most of us don't seem to be in that situation at present times, it is not something we need to concern ourselves with (for the record I wish concentration camps were a thing of the past) - although many people seem to live in their own built in concentration camp - and I have done this myself for many years without even realizing it. The personal concentration camp is the self doubt, spiritual vacuum, self loathing - the feeling you don't deserve to be happy - basically the environment I spent the first half of my life in.

Now - at present times - if there is a "resolution" or set of them I happen to have now - it is that I want to spend as much of the remaining part of my life as possible feeling good about myself, enjoying life, feeling a sense of spiritual connectedness, and as a result of that happiness - I want to share it with those I come into contact with - my friends, family, people I come across in the workplace - hell - even anyone with the exclusive right to the link to this place. My batting average is better these days thanks to my practice at this. For me it is my music - although it wouldn't be possible without the music and influences of others - but music that affirms the quality of life and happiness. I try not to listen to as much depressing music - like Pink Floyd the Wall - for example - even though I think it is a great recording in its own way - because I want to constantly affirm to myself that life is a beautiful and divine gift, and not something to be suffered through. This does not mean suffering is eliminated - I know it is an essential part of life, but I also think it has its place and does not have to necessarily dominate everything. So much of our lives - as presented in the movie What the Bleep do We Know is the result of our own perception. Perception has a great influence upon so called reality - and reality is not some inevitable set of events that we don't control - we control and influence reality constantly, but then again - if you buy into the notion of not being able to control it - of being the doomed victim - than that in itself will become your reality.

So - my practice - especially with all of the songs that I was blessed enough to have the presence and state of mind to have conceived of in the year 2007 - is to affirm the beautiful aspects of life, and not the negative, angry, critical and mocking stuff that dominated most of my writing in past days. For me graduating from "There is No Love" to "There is Only Love" was a big step. That is one of the essential beliefs of these Toltec books - that the world is a loving place. I know - turn on the news - read about the suicide bombings, the execution of Bhutto - all the crimes that happen on a daily basis - and there is plenty of evidence to support that it is really a cold, heartless and violent place. I know these things are happening, I don't deny them. I also know it is less of a reason to turn on the news, and watch these violent bloodspilling movies - because that may be a part of the world, but how much of MY world I choose to make it is up to me. If I dedicate my life to living in peace and love, if I make that my world - then my hope is it spills over to others around me to increase the peace and decrease the violence, instead of yeah - look another murder on TV - that just proves how fucked up the world is. So it is not that bad shit does not happen, but just because it does happen - on a relatively small scale when you really think about it - does not mean I have to buy in and just say the world is fucked up. I can feel compassion for those suffering, I can bring my energy and prayers to try to push for a peaceful and loving world, but I do not need to be pulled down by the negative events that appear in the movies and the media.

This is a season which has often depressed me in the past - from my flirtations with suicide 22 years ago, to my recent noticing that the short daylight hours have an effect on me. And this year I was resigned to another low daylight depression, but it has not happened. I have had bad days for certain, and last night was not one of my best. But when it does happen now, I am doing everything I can to drive it out. On one level I accept it is what I need to be feeling, but on another I sleep more, exercise more, drink more water (the diet unfortunately I haven't quite conquered yet) but I give myself everything I can to have a fighting chance to drive out the negativity. Part of this includes my affirmations that state lines like "I can feel it now but it's gonna go away" - or "something inside me is crying right now, but something else inside me it smiles" - it is my way of constantly reminding myself that despite the negativity, the depressed feelings of hurt and sadness - the oppressive grief that creeps back into my consciousness - that there is another side to it. I take care of myself in any way that I can, I affirm the positive feelings despite the present feelings of negativity, and eventually they do pass. I am feeling a lot better today than yesterday. It never means I am cured for good, that I will never have another sad thought or depressed feeling again. It does mean that when I do, I have tools and thought mechanisms to help me deal with these things, and I believe that with the proper thoughts and attitudes, that this can be the most effective way to get over them. I know the drug companies ram it down our throats that popping pills is the only way, and for some I know maybe it is necessary, but for myself I have been presented with some who should say I should be on medication. It is my hope that I never have to take another pharmaceutical for depression ever again. So far it has worked. The power of the mind and spirit can never be underestimated.

So getting back to this season, you can look at it however you want. I have looked at it with great skepticism before, since I have never cared for the notion that we all have to run out like sheep and buy tons of gifts because that is just what we are supposed to do. I have never cared for the cheesy commercialism, or hearing all of those holiday tunes in stores and restaurants so many times that you are on the verge of throwing up. But - whatever your belief is - whether you think Jesus was our Lord and Saviour whow was really born this time of year or not, to me it represents a time of birth and renewal. The idea of Yule involves the birth of a newborn sun, while Christianity has a newborn son. Either way, "something new is waiting to be born" and after December 21, the days reverse the trend and start getting longer again. After New Year's Day, the birth of a new year itself is born and then although we are in the heart of winter, spring (and all of the allergies that come with it) is not far away. So although I can focus on the bleakness, the suicide attempt, the commercialism, the hostility of the competitive shoppers - I can also choose to see this as a chance to start again, to start anew, to wipe the clean slate and have a new beginning.

This new beginning coincides with how I have approached my life over the last few years. I choose to not continue in the spiritual void that marked the first half of my life. I know that my parents will always be living in that world, but that does not mean I have to do this - even if the blueprints of their personalities are all over mine. That is fine - I can accept that - but I also know that regardless of what you believe in, and regardless of what the actual answer is - the answer that to some degree we can never really know - in this plane anyways - - - that the world and the universe can be a beautiful place once you have faith in something outside of yourself, greater than yourself - and you can choose to align yourself with that force. Whether this force is love, compassion, a spirit, or a deity - or some combination of those - the world takes on such a greater meaning than looking at it as a cold laboratory where we are a bunch of chemicals interacting within the laws of science, nothing more or less. I know we are those things, but if I look at the magic of a sunset as a spiritual event, it means a lot more to me than the meteorological interpretation of how it all got to appear that way. I believe in something greater because in my heart - not my mind - there is something greater. Granted, I don't know what it is - I can never quite put my finger on it - or have the answer to the tragedies that occur in the world, or what happens after my life comes to an end - all I can do is acknowledge that is all part of the beautiful mystery and accept that I don't have the answer to those things. I don't know what God is - I can't prove God exists or convince a non-believer to believe what I believe - I just believe that the notion of God - introduced to me through my Jewish upbringing - in some way is valid - and I will just take it at that. The more I try to describe it, read or write a book with laws or a set of commandments with rules, in my mind, the further I get from it. So I just believe and I leave it at that. Don't ask me to tell you what I believe - every day I am in the process of discovering it.

I also believe - regardless of the presence of a spirit or deity - whether or not one exists or not - that it is essential to believe in one's self. I come from a life where doubt and self-loathing was thrust upon me, to the point that I did not believe in living my own life at all. I don't believe my death wish was just a fucking "chemical imbalance" - it was a result of everything I took in from my parents, how they saw themselves, and how they saw me as an extension of them. This is programming which set the course of my life, and only in the relatively recent last 10th or so of my life have I realized two things - one - that I have a say in how I live my life and how I feel about myself - and two that all of the negative programming can be reversed with enough practice and affirmations. I love myself - I am beautiful within and without - and that is completely independent of how anybody else feels about me. Some of you may agree, some of you may not - and although I never mind positive reinforcement outside of myself, it simply is not necessary. I don't have to look like Tom Cruise, or have the body in the cheesy Bod commercials, or 3% body fat to believe that. I just look in the mirror and I see a beautiful person looking back at me. 22 years ago I saw a person that I hated, screamed at, and cursed looking back at me. That was then, I do not choose for it to be now.

And - it goes without saying - as far as I have come, I have this far still to go. 2007 was a big step for me - I had the ability to write many affirmations that continue to help me to this day. As far as the people around me, I do believe my belief in myself has rubbed off on my daughter Sara. The song I wrote for her asking her to believe in herself would not have been possible without me doing the same. As I know first hand, if the parent lives in doubt, so will the child. I know my belief and my song - combined with Sara's Tae Kwan Do and counseling, have all been positive steps in helping to reverse her chronic anxiety. Like the case with me, it takes constant work - and you can never just believe it is cured and that is it. Every day you start over again, and there are no guarantees of sinking back. As for my marriage, it continues to be a challenge. Our intimate contact has been about as low as ever, I have heard my share of declarations that it is over, that we need to live in different places, that she is better off with me. I refuse to believe those things, and I have great faith that our marriage will work and we will become closer over time. Then again - who is to say. I believe our family is better together than apart. I also believe that if it came down to it, I could live separated from my wife and find happiness. My new job has also been a huge step in my happiness, because I am not under the exhausting pressure I was with my last company. Financially - it is still a challenge and a struggle, but I can live with it. Ultimately, regardless of what happens around me I buy in - I know happiness is within my reach. That is my new beginning - to resolve to feel connected, play my music, believe in myself and know that whatever life brings me, whatever chapter of the mystery unfolds, that as long as I am fortunate enough to be alive in this plane, that I will make the best of it. I believe that is what "God" intends for us anyways. To close - his is a song I wrote - maybe I can get myself to sing it here (I actually put it on my My Space - see my videos - Yule song) - that describes some of these thoughts:

Smiling as I sing 12-28-07


I am not only what appears to surround me -

It's dark, black and cold out - there are tears in my soul

But I feel the brightness - rows of candles softly glowing

Lit up for my altar to my flowing white Goddess

She's a sweet spirit lover - giving all she has to me

Her full breasts and wet lips and her soft melting kiss

Her sweet womb awaits my long anticipated entrance

Of my release inside to my white heaven laced spirit bride

I can feel the lights shining turning dark into warmth

Yule colors burning glow into a sunset's rainbow

The lights that I yearn for radiate from my heart

I feel such warm within, all seasons now will die and start again

I see my soul now born rising deep from its coffin

For so long it had died, but now I shout out I'm alive

I'm here to feel a steady deep constant rapture

Of the spirit's liquid gift of eternal elixir

I can fly I can rise be everywhere in the world

All dimensions I know, no other Place I need to go

I am right here alive, I can sing I can cry

I can bathe in my grief, without it drowning me deep

I can bring out this gift, of this river of love

Spread it all around me, go from one I to we

I can share it with you, without instructing you

To just where you should go, that's only something you know

I will life live in love, discard my envy rage anger

I will minimize fear, all that I need is right here

I will tune out my pain, and move to Candyland Lane

I will do all I can do, to make life better for me and for you

I can smell the fragrant pollen, of a garden of flowers

so bright and so fresh, they speak to me with each breath

The barren tree branches, ready to give birth

To the arriving spring, I'm outside smiling as I sing