Lord you can see that it's true

He could pass his time'round some other line

But you know he chose this place beside her

Don't get in the way, there's nothing you can say

Nothing that you need to add or do

They love each other

Lord, you can see it's true

Seeing that my last post was written in a somewhat depressed state I can balance it out with a little neutrality here. When Victoria came back from her individual session with the therapist it seemed pretty hopeless here. Of course what I didn't realize since I have now been back in is that she was giving me her spin on what happened, which amazingly enough was quite different than the therapist's spin on it. Although I love Victoria, her representation of the facts of a situation has never been her greatest strength, so it was interesting to see that from what the therapist told me she was not actually saying what Victoria claims she said in the first place. Victoria said the therapist encouraged her to leave me, the therapist said she told her it is not fair to continue to state she will leave if she doesn't. When asked if she was done (with our relationship), Victoria claims to have answered yes, but the therapist heard her say "I don't know". She heard what she wanted to hear and twisted it. It is not that it didn't happen, but she heard what she wanted to hear.

Without pointing fingers - because it does no good - I still am one that believes that the role model of your parent of the opposite sex shapes your relationships in the future. Seeing that my mother was - and still is - a highly unstable, angry, emotional wreck who never developed a very effective way of dealing with her own issues, I know that has set the stage for all of the women in my life and there has been a common theme. This starts with the first woman - Sharon - she was the first I ever kissed or made love to, and was in love with at the time - she was a troubled woman suffering from schizophrenia and lacked the strength to make any type of decision on a daily level . This unstable theme holds all the way down the relatively short list of women in my life, every woman I have known has been highly troubled and somewhat unstable. The next woman - Brigit - an Italian Jew with amazingly large and beautiful breasts - was such a control freak that it was difficult to be around her - well when the sex wasn't happening anyways - and when sex became a blatant part of the control - it was too much for me to take. Karen - although I lived with her and loved her - and I still do love her - had been through hell with the passing of her mother at 3 and then a wicked abusive stepmother stepping in, and her abandonment issues seemed to make my inevitable abandonment of her a self-fulfilling prophecy. Raulin - a very sexy Latina woman - had alcohol issues, and her issues with sex and intimacy - even though I had some of the best sex ever with her - you can point to her own possible molest as a child and I was in lust/love with her too - but it was like clutching at straws - and when she started running away I called her on it by not allowing her to come back - as much as I wanted to. So by the time Victoria came around, I kind of felt that I had a bit of a sneak preview in that she was a bit of each and every one of them.

I could see the writing on the wall from the beginning. She was there, but then she was trying to back out - even in the first months I was with her. She was telling me I should be with someone else, she was scared of the intimacy that she so desperately needed, she didn't like me living like a slob, wearing cheap shoes and dressing like a complete fucking idiot. I remember when we had some dumb dispute - I am not sure exactly what it was - she may have been upset I wasn't taking her out to dinner, or she thought I was too blame from some very unpleasant physical symptoms that developed from sex - whatever it was - she was running away even then and I was supposed to meet her at Balboa Park in San Diego, but I couldn't find her. I had this very crucial thought in my mind. I knew a pattern was set in motion. I knew that if I threw in the towel with her, that ultimately I would just keep finding her again and again in other women. So I thought this is too big for me to fight - this pattern of women in my life. If I met a stable woman with a good foundation there would be no allure. So as sick as the whole thing was, it was my sickness - being drawn to sick women - and nobody could ever accuse me of being the most mentally stable man in the world anyways - so I thought no - I am not backing away from this because Victoria was the most stable of the unstable women I had known. I know it is a complete contradiction, but she is stable in her own way. This is a woman who endured - most likely - sexual advances from her father - some of which were repressed, an abusive distant mother who hit her more than she spoke to her, she had the intelligence and insight to question a very abusive culture where women are slaves with no rights - and when I met her coming off a rebound from a husband who had beaten her, you would think she would be completely shut down - and even though she was close to it - I saw a strength and resiliency to come through all of these things and somehow of all the women I had known previously on an intimate level, I had the idea that I wanted to be with her. And almost 12 1/2 years later I still am.

I love her and it has been hell at times, sometimes even it still is - but I still love her and have no regrets. Sure it's easy to be in touch with other couples who have much more of a life in the bedroom than I do, but everyone has their own issues to face. Envy is a wasted emotion because you can only live your own life. Sometimes we can go for a long time without it happening at all, but even when it seems hopeless, when I have heard her once again proclaim we are done there, it can never happen again, we always seem to gravitate back to it. I know it is rare that she actually gets off, and the older we get the less frequent it becomes. At the beginning on some survival instinct she was ready for it all the time. Then it started to taper down. Last time she was into it, a Mexican painter student of hers was really getting her worked up, and she wanted him but that sexual energy had nowhere to go and she was receptive to me. Some might take that personally, but hell - whatever works. One time she even got off on the idea that I was going to physically re-unite with Karen. Still - even if the wait is long - when I do make love to her again, I feel like I am at home and I know she is the woman I still want to be with even after years of a struggle.

Victoria once observed that my sister seems to live the role of a little girl in her marriage. The husband provides everything for her - takes care of her - even feeds her (she won't eat if he doesn't) and she acts and talks just like a little teenager. As she explained to my brother, that is where she is safe after all of the hurt she has endured - from the endless screaming of my mother to her sexual assaults and physical abuse in one of her relationships. She is safe there. Victoria seemed to understand that. So imagine my surprise when the therapist without hearing anything about my sister - seemed to paint Victoria the same way. The same pattern is there. In a broken environment growing up, Victoria dreamed of running away and finally did that in her mid teens when her father started asking her to sit on his lap. She moved in with a Wiccan priest twice her age who replaced her father. She had some sex with him, but it didn't last. When she married Stuart - who was completely unstable and beating her up - running away was the right thing. So in her model - as a little girl - running away is what you do. So she talks about it, dreams of it, plans it all the time with me. But I am not hurting her. I don't beat her up. Sometimes the sexuality unfortunately is a connection with her past and there is no way around that. I can't turn it off - I am a sexual being. She in turn has emotional needs and needs to be held. One can't happen without the other. At some point I believe it can get better there, but for now the compromise is it happens some times, other times there are long breaks in between, but it never goes away.

The therapist observed all of her plans to actually go somewhere are disconnected and foggy with no foundation in reality. There is nothing holding them up. She wants to go to school full time and be independent, but she struggles to complete one local community college class without being overwhelmed with fear. She hated San Diego when I met her there - she was ready to move back to Chicago when I met her - but she never did. Now that we are here she has an idea that moving back with her friend Marlene is the answer - that somehow she will raise a very demanding child completely on her own, go to school full time, and become independent. The therapist found it very interesting that Marlene lives not in Chicago, but in San Diego - the place she wanted to get away from. What about the four animals she adores - the two dogs and cats - that she has an easier time expressing affection for - what happens to them - I can't take care of them on my own. And her beloved Chicago - there is not one person in her family she would want to move back in with - including her mother, brother, or any of her sisters. She has no friends there who would take her in. Living alone and paying the bills - she relies on me for that - not just for the money but to actually take the time to get the payments out and get them on time. So long story short - she will always be fixated on something - that with me anyways - will never happen. Because on some level she knows she has a foundation and love here that she will not get anywhere else. It scares her - the intimacy - because she has never been loved before in a way that was consistent and stable, so she cannot accept it now. But here it is.

Meanwhile - my mother confused me by being affectionate at times and being an endless screaming witch at other times - so to me love and rejection experience are intertwined. So my pattern works well here too because when I am rejected - physically - it is familiar to me. When I feel rejection I become physically and emotionally down - my heart hurts (broken heart as cheesy at it sounds becomes a real symptom), I am lethargic, on the verge of tears constantly, everything takes an effort. I relive the hurt I experienced with my mother all the time. So where some in my situation might have said fuck this and moved on, I take the emotional blows because it is familiar territory. There is just enough love and intimacy here to hold out because if the rejection was all I experienced it would be too much to take. But on some dysfunctional miracle that holds this mess together here, when it gets that bad somehow Victoria knows it and we always seem to make up in the bedroom at the right time before it gets too far in that direction. It seems that on our 13th year together there is some built in survival mechanism that keeps us together and keeps the bad times from getting too bad. When I fell in love with Renee on line and was desperate enough to consider being with her physically, we found the right therapist and actually experienced a brief upswing where we both enjoyed sex for a while. Every time she is drawn to someone, she seems to have the sense to know acting on it physically would get her nowhere. We come back to each other - we always do - because on some level we know we belong together.

So she is hurtful at times - I know that experience well - she says things she doesn't always mean and I have to hear her and let her speak without taking her literally - because what she says is not what she really means on a deeper level. She is reliving her own hurt and her own distrust of love and I have to distance myself from it and not take it personally. Somehow within this dysfunctional mess of two broken hearts and minds who have taken their share of hurt growing up, there is the waiting flower of love like a rose waiting to come up from the cracks of a concrete sidewalk. I have to hold out in the times of apparent hopelessness and never give up. As long as I continue to believe in love - love will always find me - one way or the other. Today is Thanksgiving and I give thanks for the love that is in my life. It is a long and lonely road at times, but even so - love is always there if you continue to believe in her.

Brokedown Palace

Goin to leave this Broke-down Palace

On my hands and my knees I will roll roll roll

Make myself a bed by the waterside

In my time - in my time - I will roll roll roll
In a bed, in a bed by the waterside I will lay my head

Listen to the river sing sweet songsto rock my soul

Ollabelle is one of my favorite recent groups so to see them doing their cover of this song at this highly emotional point in my life was just bringing tears running down my face as I watched it.

God damn why does life have to be so hard? I know I'm lucky to have a job when many are losing their houses and starving, and it's not that I am not grateful, but it's enough to take on this time of year when the daylight is nearly cut in half over the peak time of year for me, but to take on the seemingly insurmountable obstacles of my marriage on top of it almost seems too much. I know some were speculating that my younger brother was on the verge of a divorce after his wife was absentee on the Love Boat, but are we the ones who are really heading there? I chose a recommended therapist for our latest wave of counseling, and after the first session with my wife this lady is strongly urging her to consider separation. I also saw this lady and she seemed pretty solid to me - so here is the recommended diagnosis and is that where we are headed? It seems pretty darn bleak and I didn't sleep much last night. I ended up staying up with Victoria and holding her and she had me laughing - once again - and in some ways she is my best and closest friend, and yet sex has a way of fucking everything up because you can't just make it go away. This year my desire has been down, but sometimes it comes back and the counselor told V that if she goes through with it without really enjoying it she is a prostitute who is betraying herself. So maybe that is the case and if that is then how can that issue possibly be resolved? It may have diminished, but I have a sex drive and I do desire love - even if it is not constant - I can't live a brother sister life with someone I have a desire for. I was hoping another wave of counseling would turn us around the way it once did a few years back, and instead we are already talking about separating. I am one of those impossible optimists and even though sometimes it is hard to get through the day without tears streaming down my face and the heaviest of hearts, I still believe we belong together and can work this out - even if we have to separate to figure that out. As far as the answer to our sex struggles, I just don't know what it is but there has to be one somewhere. All in all - a pretty depressing situation and sometimes I just don't know how I even deal with this or get through it.

You don't always show your sweet side

I've seen you in the kitchen cookin' me supper
I listened to you bitchin' I watched you suffer
I still love you baby 'cause I know you
Don't mean to do the cruel things you do
I've seen you sewin' buttons on your shirt
I've seen you throwin' up when your stomach hurt
I'll stick by you baby through thick and thin
No matter what kind of shape you're in

from Sweet Side by Lucinda Williams

This is my point of view from one side of a marriage. It is not right or wrong as it is my perspective and I address this letter to you. I try to write this as objectively as peacefully as possible, even though it would be very easy to turn it into an angry tirade, blame you, say it's all your fault, but since we share this space each other, and chose each other - even right now - at this very moment, time and space - to be around each other - regardless of those I'd really like to be somewhere else thoughts - never mind that - here we are - at this moment - together right now - by mutual choice. Choices have been made - repeatedly. Ever day of the 12 years we have been together we have chosen for one reason or another to stay with each other. And yet for 10 of those 12 years I have heard plans and desires of yours to be other than this place. From the very first "I'm leaving you" about 10 years ago - when I was convinced it was really going to happen, to dozens of dozens more - to the point now when I hear it - in all due respect - I don't really attach much credence to it.

It's not that I don't believe you feel like you mean it when you say it. I completely believe you say it with full belief that you do intend for it to happen. But one problem is - it never does happen. Not to say that I am pushing you to either go or stay. I only want to hold you, I don't want to tie you down - as a certain song says. But it kind of comes down to the old saying - shit or get off the pot. After so many years of hearing this - shit - for lack of a better word - I start to believe it is nothing but - well - shit. And then I feel like someone is crapping all over me. So unless you have immediate plans to put this plan into motion, why do you need to keep telling me this same lie over and over? Frustrated - yes - I know you are - and I share your frustration. Somewhere else always sounds better. You would love your beloved Chicago, I would love a nymphomaniac who wanted constant sex all the time. And yet - again - here we are - stuck with the choices we have made - both of us. Another place sounds better, sounds like the answer to everything - but again - here we are. And it some point it all comes down to facing your own writhing guts when there is no place left to turn to - no refuge in sex, drugs, alcohol, mind numbing TV, or medicating junk food. It's just the place they talk about in medication - that numbing silence that can either calm one's mind or send it to the brink of insanity. So my proposal here - as long as we are together - whether that means one more day - one more decade - or an entire lifetime - is to try to make the best of it. Yes - being on your own sounds great. For some single mothers - being on their own - it means working two minimum wage jobs 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, struggling constantly to make ends meet. It is not as glamorous as it sounds. And then add going to school on top of that. Where would this happen? With your family - your supportive family - the same family that does not approve of the way our daughter acts, the same one that always saw you as the black sheep, the same one you will never see eye to eye with? Or with Marlene - the same woman who left you on Thanksgiving with a bowl of cold chili, the same Marlene, almost incapable of taking care of herself, who has never been too patient with children, let alone a difficult one. Is she the answer? Or is it the ideal that it will be on your own - independent of everyone, needing nobody. Can that really work, raising a child? Can any of us really survive on our own.

I know I am far from perfect. I know I may have caused you pain in the past. Maybe every time in the interest of pursuing my own desires you have had to relive an uncomfortable experience that you did not care to re-live. Maybe that has led to simmering rage - to relive and express that simmering rage every time you make a comment like I am leaving you, I would rather be on my own, or look at those old man clothes you wear, or look how incompetent you are compared to my father or my Latin associates - and maybe on some unconscious level those comments that seem filled with rage seem justified to you. I must admit I do feel hurt and pain when you say them. But I think in saying them you are hurting yourself as well. Do you really need to keep saying these things - and better yet do you really mean them? As another song says - can you say what you mean, and do you mean what you say? As the old saying goes, isn't it better to not say anything then to say anything out of spite and hate? I have been trying to spend more time around you lately, but every time I do it seems like one of these comments comes up? Is the answer then, spending less time around each other - and that you are in fact now finally going to move out and live up to what you have been saying you would do for over 10 years now?

Whatever you need to do, you have my support but every day you are around me - I believe both of us need to show mutual respect, and choose not to say the first thing we happen to say or think, just because maybe that is what one of our parents did. You are welcome in my home every moment you want to be here. I made a vow and commitment to God and the government that I would take care of you in times of sickness and health. This is a time of sickness. And I don't believe everything you say, even if I do feel hurt by it. Because 12 years of being around me speaks for itself, even if you have spent a considerable amount of those years stating you wish you were elsewhere. Because I love you as much as I do, I believe if you can be any happier away from me than with me I encourage you to chase that dream before your time does expire. At the same time, I am pretty confident that on the flip side there are many equally valid reasons to stay with me - as despite my shortcomings - shortcomings that have been made clear to me repeatedly and often in not the friendliest manner, I do love you, and will alway support you even in times of sickness. But in the spirt of the Great loving Goddess, Buddha, and every high spirit that we believe in, I ask that in the time we do continue to choose to be around each other, we make every effort to be as kind, loving and compassionate to the other person as possible. As long as we can do this, I believe we are good for each other. But if this is not possible, well - than as long as we are living together, we should make every possible effort to avoid and not be around one another, as this is nothing but hostile, and resentful energy. I can sign up for every possible volunteer effort out of town. We can do all activities completely apart, and avoid each other if we have nothing good to say to each other. Personally - I think we can do better than that.

Obama has it

I don't want to be one of those typical bloggers who devotes 100% of the time to politics and following every move of the one I am for or against. I vote Democrat, but I honestly wasn't real excited by Gore, Kerry, or Clinton - even if I did vote for them. What I don't like about the Republican party is the alignment with the extreme born again Christians, and the notion that religion should interfere with politics to affect issues such as abortion and stem cell research. Although my brother was correct in nothing I was a fan of Ayn Rand, what drew me to her was not her commitment to pure market capitalism, but the issue of individuality and the ability to stand out in a crowd and be true to your self. I will always like that part of her philosophy, but since as she says you are either 100% for or against her, I guess I am against now because I have never been 100% for anything. I do believe there has to be an incentive for certain kinds of work. If a Walmart cashier is paid as much as a heart surgeon, the incentive is taken away - so some people inevitably need to earn more money than others. But I also think if the rich get richer and the poor get poorer to extreme- as seems to be the case now - where all the wealth is concentrated in the hands of a select few, so that people lose their houses, and don't have the coverage to see a doctor, I don't think that works either. In short there has to be a balance between capitalism - for incentive - and socialism - to regulate the inherent need for power and destructive greed - which I believe in stark contradiction to Ayn Rand's philosophy, does not necessarily result in the common good overall. People do stupid things - get greedy - cheat - rig the books - make dumb investments - pollute - and then look what is happening now on Wall Street and the world overall. On the socialist side, I don't see a great crime in taking care of the sick and dying - those who can't afford health care. I see a selfish end in the unselfish act of taking care of others - if we live in a healthy society, that helps the individuals who live in it. If the sick and dying are lining the street - as the case with very stark rich/poor distributions - such as Mexico - that is a tragedy for everyone involved. So in so many words - I think the center is better than any extreme and that sums up how I feel - in so many words about politics.
When Obama took the stage at yesterday's rally here in the Reno area, I felt the incredible energy that once drew me to see the Grateful Dead as many times as I did. The crowd was ecstatic - in my You Tube film you can see a young lady (I think) jumping up at down the way I did when I first heard "Scarlet Begonias" or "Dark Star" at a Grateful Dead concert. There was an incredible energy and Obama didn't have to say some kind of phony "my friends" because it was clear that he was connected to the crowd. It was there in his body language, his mannerism, who he was. He didn't seem to be putting on an act - he was just being himself - he was one of us but he was the one with the collective magic and gift to be the one - of us - who was doing the talking. I felt like I could - in another set of circumstances - sit down and chat with him and it would be like talking to an old friend. You feel like you know him - the same way we felt like we knew Jerry Garcia - even if you don't know him, but there is not an aura of I am better than you I see in so many politicians.
We arrived at 7:30 after all waking up at 5:00 AM, and because I had found the location of the baseball park at the University of Nevada Reno location on line, I wasn't fumbling around looking for it, and we found a somewhat convenient spot in a lot. Maybe why I am always drawn to Democrats is they seem like they are the true down to earth people, people not hung up on wealth, status, or power but more people who generally speaking are looking out for the common good. I always see more of a selfishness in Republicans - I've got mine - so fuck you - lower my taxes and you are on your own. Damn it I worked hard, so you work hard too and you maybe are lucky enough to hit the lotto like I did, if not - fuck you - not my problem. That was impression of the "Contract of America" among other things. I know - we all like to see ourselves as cowboys, and damn to hell the "free loaders" who collect from the system and take welfare or health care. Nobody likes a freeloader, but on a larger scale, sucking up a disproportionate amount of the world's resources - oil among them - and belching out a huge amount of pollution and having this mis-match contribute to worldwide poverty and hunger - aren't we on a certain collective level, all freeloaders, here in this country - at least those who can afford it? Why do I deserve good food, TV, power and electricity more than a starving man in Africa.. because I am American and that makes me entitled? That to me is hypocrisy. I take more of the Buddhist approach - and adopt the previously spoken line that when one is not free, all are not free, and when one is oppressed, all are. When people in this world are going hungry and sick, it affects all of us - because we are all one organism.
I am a realist. I don't think Obama just takes office, waves a magic wand, and makes this all go away. The economic crisis does not go away overnight. I was against the Iraq invasion from day one and I believe the economic, political, and moral repercussions will be devastating for decades to come. This "war on terror" which I see more as world class warfare than a war on ideology, can only really be solved when billions are not living in hunger and poverty - and I don't see how one man can really change the destructive consumption and waste built into our collective American consciousness, because this has been centuries in the making.
Even so - when I see Obama speak, and possibly even risk his life in his run for president as the first African American doing this, I see the courage of Martin Luther King who also knew his own life was in danger by doing what he believed in. I don't see a phony George Bush, who wrapped himself in his born again Christian righteousness, and then paid back all the companies who put him in office with his favoritism of the wealthy, and business as usual corruption that ended up with one of the worst policy invasions of all time, the invasion of Iraq. Bush didn't really seem to care about anybody but those who took care of him. In Obama I see somebody who wants to change the country for the better because he does care - and I see sincerity and a sense of reality in him that I don't see in many politicians.
At his speech I saw a real presence in him. He made us laugh - he was funny - but at the same time he looked like a leader, someone who genuinely wants to steer the country back not to payoff the rich elite as Bush did, but someone who really wants the best for all of us. I know every point of mine can be debated by Republican and religious conservatives. I know some feel as passionate about McCain and Palin (who drew about 1/3 of the same crowd numbers when she came here a few days earlier) and who am I to say who is right or wrong. I tend to see Republicans as a combination of ignorant and selfish, but I don't hold it against them. They want what is right just like I do, I just don't agree with how they make it happen.
In short, I left the rally buzzing - feeling like I had witnessed history, feeling like I had seen a man with a real presence to him, and I went back and watched my little home made video of him, where on You Tube his physical size is not much bigger than a thumbtack due to my cheap camera, but even watching that I picked up on the energy and excitement of the crowd, and the power of his movement and body language even from a far. I was close enough to actually see him better than my footage came out, and though he has hit the trail and moved on - I still feel like he is here and I still feel a connection. God help us if he loses, but if he wins I am going to feel a real sense of joy and optimism that I haven't felt in years. No - he is no miracle worker - one person can't do it alone - but if there is anybody who can steer us out of the mess we are in, I truly believe he is the guy.

Addicted to love

Victoria read to me some of the characteristics of addictive love in a book she saw. Of course - like anything - some fit - some did not. I take a look at where I am now. At some point there is a selfish desire that makes intimate love happen - sex feels pretty darn good - and it is nice to have it with a new woman. I was very happy when I first started this relationship. But at some point - the only way love can survive is to slowly transition from selfish to selfless - because on a pure selfish level, the payoff starts to lessen over time. Speaking for my own anyways. It seems like anything will diminish over a period of time - hence the law of diminishing returns. Here I am now - 43 years old - and I am noticing that the testosterone level is not what it once was. Sure I take care of personal business quite frequently, but the idea of sex is starting to seem like a lot of trouble and effort. Sara loves the song "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" and when I listen to it I almost feel like it doesn't mean the same thing at 43 as it did at age 20 - when just looking at a picture of a nude woman in a Playboy or Penthouse magazine was enough to send me through the roof. Now my friend e-mails me something like that and I think - yeah - they're kind of pretty - actually they're starting to look now like they are young enough to be my daughter.

Sex has held us together for a long time now, somewhat grudgingly - but now I amazingly find myself backing away from it. It seems forced, contrived - now neither of us are really into it, and simulating it at this time seems preferable to making it happen. Is this a permanent state? I think that is another key to love - to realize that even when there is a bad time going on that it is not permanent. So even when I feel like the last place I want to be is around my wife, when our mutual irritations with each other feed into unpleasant comments, when love becomes nothing more than drudgery and the feeling of I would rather be absolutely anywhere but here, when the discussions of maybe we'd be better off apart than together, so that we'd be "free" to chase that elusive romance that lies waiting - the one that is going to fulfill all the hidden repressed desires and passions - that is when the selfless aspect of love comes in. In "Husbands and Wives" the man found a younger woman who loved sex and he had a great time with her, only to eventually come back to his much less sexually interested wife - and he realized she was the one he really belonged with all along, despite the illusive temptation of something better.

So I look at the big picture now when the talks of separation come up. I know I love my wife. I don't love her because I hope to get a great sexual experience, because right now it isn't in the cards. I am optimistic at some point it will come back, but sometimes in the hope of something coming back, letting go has to happen first. I know both of us at times dream of being "somewhere else" - maybe a bustling city for her, maybe a hot passionate romance for me - and yet here we are. Right here - now - this. I don't love everything about my wife. Gone are the days of putting her on a pedestal. When she said nobody would be interested in you - I didn't like the comment, or the way it was said. I didn't care for the implied cruelty within it, but I didn't take it personally either. Because first of all, I know it is not true - and even if it was - there is more to what "I" am then who is interested in me, because the older I get the inevitability will be that less and less will find me attractive, but that is part of the eventual letting go. It is not me - who is interested in me - or repulsed by me - I see myself as a pure spirit that transcends the opinions of others. So within minutes - that is done - and now what. The day goes on. I don't love her because I imagine her to be a wonderful, kind person because I have seen her cruel side. We all have it. Nobody is perfect. Kindness is mixed with cruelty.

This is as far from addictive love as I can imagine, because there is no real payoff now that sex seems to be at least for the time being removed from the picture. I love here because after 12 years she is a part of who I am. I love her because we have a daughter who depends on us to guide her and we can do a much better job of it together than apart. The ultimate biological aspect of love is to bring up offspring and that is what we are doing. I love her because if we did separate this whole household of cuddly animals and one child would be no more. I love her because I believe we are better off together than apart, even if it is a hell of a lot of hardwork, drudgery, bitterness, and tension - and the feeling that there has to be something better. That is where selfless comes in - as I am at a restaurant I would rather not be at because I know it is where she wants to be, or I am driving her to her doctor, standing in a long line for her medicine, feeling that I am there to take care of her in "sickness and health" just like the vows said - because I believe whether times are going great and we are in la la land, or we are in a rut and just want to get the hell away from each other - it is the same big picture, the two sides of the same coin. I am not going to back down when times are tough, the hormones are going downhill, old age approaching in the form of middle age is rearing its ugly head, when the whole charm is long gone, because I see we have something that has kept us together for more than 12 years, more than most couple on average will last, and I am not going to walk away. I know even laughing, holding hands, hugging, just doing the basics that go beyond sex, are still satisfying in their own way. I know I will sometimes lose it and voices may be raised, and remember Sara falling to her feet in desperation at seeing us fight, knowing how frightening and upsetting it is for her to think we can separate, and I know that I will do everything I can to not let my daughter down, or let my wife down, even if she doesn't want to f___ing be here - I still have a karmic responsibility to take care of every moving living creature in this household - being the one main source of income here - and that by the grace of God I am in a position to have a job to do that in a time when people are losing their jobs, and losing their houses, and it is my karmic reward to be in a place to do that.

So you call this addictive love? Right now it feels like anything other than addiction. It seems like a lot of hard work and hard times, but I am not going to back down from it. That to me is selfless and that to me is the true meaning of love - getting outside of yourself and doing your part in caring for and taking care of others who are counting on you. Even when you don't really feel like it. You do it because you know that is your place in life. So here I am.

There is no pain you are receding

"There is no pain, you are receding.

A distant ships smoke on the horizon.

You are only coming through in waves.

Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone

.I cannot put my finger on it now

The child is grown, the dream is gone

I have become comfortably numb."

Comfortably numb might be a nice place to be now. If I lived my life by those who wanted me to take anti-depressants, that might be where I would be. Instead here I am - doing a little better than I was last night when I sat there lying on my bed in a dark room, tears streaming down my face, feeling hopeless, feeling angry at the injustice and misery of living, feeling life was just a cruel, ironic joke, feeling like a failure for taking apart my leaking bathtub faucet as I had successfully done a few years ago, but this time failing to fix the problem and causing more of a drip than I had before, knowing I was going to have to throw in the towel and call a plumber who will probably charge me something I can't afford for something I - at least in theory - could have fixed myself if not for the old plumbing faucet cartridge being so corroded and stuck that I could only get the middle of it out, not just have it pop right out as it does on the Moen website instructions. In the spirit of my father, I did give it the college try and attempt repairs, I just came up short and I was taking the defeat of the faucet very personally, like my failure to fix it was a symbol of my own inherent failure.

Maybe they were right all along - maybe I am "bipolar" - even if it is more of a controlled bipolar. I alternate from feeling spiritually connected and grateful to be alive, when I feel like I am in part of the flow of existence, to feeling hopeless, infatuated with death, and walking around with "tear stained eyes" and a physical feeling of having a heavy heart when I am on the other side. Each time it doesn't keep me from doing my job and taking care of my family. I just got a compliment from an upper level manager for my ability to continue to "razzle dazzle" the customers, all because I hit it off pretty well with an 84 year old customer, wrote him a check as I always do for his laminate floor damages, and getting a little personal and telling him of my love for music and playing guitar seemed to really impress a guy, who in person as a child met his idol at the time, John Philip Sousa, shortly before his passing. So point being - whether I am on the high side or low side, I have enough sense to not let either side take me too far, which is why I seem to get by without the wonders of pharmaceuticals.

But that is not to say it isnt' a bitch at times. Last night, I was really feeling horrible and today I forced myself against my immediate wishes to drag my ass to the gym and do my hour of cardio and about 200 weight reps, speaking to an Iranian-American Southwest pilot named JT - who shared with me his disgust with American tendencies and values. Sometimes you just have to get your ass out there as I did this morning, have a little human contact, get some exercise, do what it takes to grab a little bit of balance, and just hope that the inevitable gloominess will come to an end, but when it hits, man it is a motherfucker. When those death thoughts seem so prevalent, I just have to remind myself it is temporary and think of my own lyrics "I surrendur to death but I don't need to be dead" or "don't be the pain" and realize that what is so strong at the point to make me a crying babbling idiot, does not have to take hold of me. It does pass - like a solid mountain as our local meditation teacher uses as a symbol - it is a hell of a storm - just like the grey gloominess of our first snow here with face biting cold, but it is going to go away. It just seems so real and permanent whenever it is happening. I am not suicidal, but sometimes I think when it is my time to pass on to whatever lies next, I will feel somewhat relieved to not have to go through the down side any more.

On some level I feel like my own depression I seem to be experiencing now is somehow or another synchronistic with our country's financial troubles. I try to stay away from politics. On My Space, I have Barack Obama as my first listed "friend", I've voted Democrat ever since I can remember and I always will, but I am not going to go on about every move the candidate makes, or how much Sarah Palin appears to me to be a religious right fanatic as the second coming of Hitler, because I just don't get caught up in it. I vote Democratic, hope we get the hell out of Iraq soon, hope whoever gets in there does what's best for our country, but I don't dwell on it too much. The financial meltdown is a little different though and it speaks to our collective culture in a lot of ways. Sometimes I wonder if a financial collapse is a blessing or curse or combination of both. I was very much in agreement with columnist Lenore Skenazy writing about A Great Depression for Kids, but I think that applies to American adults as well as the kids addressed here. Not counting those that are homeless or living in ghettos, I think the majority of us are spoiled sick and have a sense of "entitlement". There is a collective American arrogance that somehow we are better than the rest of the world, and that our excessive proportional use of the world's resources is justified, because hey - we deserve it - even if as a result of this excessive consumption of ours, those resources we unevenly consume lead to excessive pollution, global warming, and maybe somebody else in the world starving to death because those resources are taken away. Hey - Fuck them - that's too bad, but I need my two all beef patties, even if deforestation somewhere is the result, I need to travel all over the place because I feel like it, even if pollution and global warming result, I need my fucking 42 inch Plasma TV to keep up with the Joneses cus damn it they have one, and if they have one, I deserve one too. I think of the "Samsara" concept in the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, where you are thirsty and drink a glass of sand to quench your thirst, and our thirst for nice things, for the desire to go on cheesy cruises, have the best shit, have nice landscaping to show off to our neighbors - all seem to me part of a collective sickness that western culture eats up. TV brainwashes us constantly into buying the latest car to be fashionable, wearing the nice clothes and perfumes, even drinking the right beer to increase sex appeal - that somehow all this stuff will make us happy. Every day on the news we hear that god forbid the economy is doing poorly because of all things SALES are down. Consume - consume - and everyone is happy. But at what cost - not only in resources exhausted for the world around us, but our own spiritual cost for the endless desire to have something that cannot be obtained.

I don't know if she reads this any more, but one of our friends out this way - perfect example - they bought a house for 150K - got it as a steal from their parents - and then went ahead and borrowed about another amount close to double that to do everything from re-model the kitchen to buy a custom new van with doors that open by themselves, and spend the rest going on their constant travels and vacations. The real jaw dropper was when she told me they borrowed an amount to cover the actual payments. Why not - re-model, cash in on some equity, make a killing on the house that could only increase in value, and then get the hell out and move to Seattle and live happily ever after. Never mind the hygiene issues that are quite apparent when you walk into the house due to noticeable traces of urine. I have nothing against them - they are nice people and their kids have played with Sara - but I continue to find this type of behavior not only shocking, but completely destructive. Barring some miracle, I don't see how they hold onto their house. Last I checked the husband makes a decent, but not overwhelming salary, the wife works a little part time, and they had their second kid, may have a third, and have a barn full of animals to care for.

Yes - the Wall Street execs - using creative terms like leveraging, credit default, whatever they were doing and whatever they call it - in simple terms were doing nothing more than gambling on the strength of the market - that the bubble would never burst. In the event that it did, they had shakey "insurance" policies with no adequate funds to back them up, and as long as the gravy train kept coming they could inflate the numbers, own their mini-mansions and live the high life of the American dream. I don't see them as any more or less guilty than my friends who decided to borrow double the amount of their house to live a lifestyle they can't really afford, because from top to bottom it's all part of the same delusion and at some point every bubble is going to burst, just like every high time of mine is inevitably going to fall into gloom and doom. I seem to know first-hand what many in a collective state of denial had to learn the hard way. Apparently even billionaire Warren Buffett warned of coming doom, but as long as the gravy train was flowing nobody cared too much about tomorrow. It is all part of the same sickness the way I see it - Wall Street - Main Street - we all buy into the same arrogant lie of entitlement, and when we all end up on our asses - maybe that's where we need to be to balance it out. For me it is a mere matter of having somewhere between 100 to 150, 000 in dollars on paper anyways, gone, but life goes on - I have a job - I don't see myself foreclosing - at least any time soon - and I try to live at least as responsibly as I can, though honestly we have our excesses too. I resisted the temptation to dip further into debt to redo a lot of badly needed home repairs - from cabinets falling apart to cheap-ass low grade carpet with holes in it needing replacement - to realize that I can only afford so much after the first re-fi that covered the roof and new siding, among other things.

My re-fi shows I succumbed to it too, but I at least did not get too far out of line. I do not owe more than the very decreased value of my house, and if I were to sell now I'd probably break even, but sure it was a shock to have the equity line stripped down dramatically, and the 401K drop down to 50% dramatically. We may scrape, but we'll get by. For others - losing their jobs, their houses, losing it all - I can only imagine what hell they are going through - but sadly to me - if we all just lived a little bit more modestly and realistically, none of this would have had to happen. But when we all go overboard, collectively, consuming more than we are entitled to at the expense of the remainder of the poplulation of the world, running off on our cheesy little cruises and travels, buying our stupid little toys - consuming - consuming - consuming - then what the hell did anyone really expect and is it so bad now that some of us can't afford the toys we had before. Some cows out there must be living it up - probably now some people who can't afford to buy steak are saving their lives.

So - I have to stop somewhere and there may be more to say - but a kick in the ass and a depression is often something we need to balance our delusions of grandeur. In the end it's not the end of the world and somehow we'll get by. Maybe we'll even learn a thing or two in the process. Once can only hope.

One silver lining to add - thanks to the help of a neighbor who works in construction and takes apart cars in his spare time, he yanked out the old cartridge and now my faucet is working great - no drips!

I think I might be sinking

lyric from "Going to California"

I react to the seasons. It seems to be the way it is. In the spring and summer an entire amazing universe opens up to me as I play my music with the sun coming down over the mountains and the moon bursting up at night. I feel alive and connected, and then some time right around the fall - it shuts off. Every year this time of year it seems like someone I am close to has died and then my eyes seem to be constantly watering and I feel a sense of grief and loss. That is what fall and inevitably winter seem to represent to me. Spring and summer burst with life and hope, and then "summer dies and August flies, and then world grows dark and mine" as stated by Robert Hunter. I guess losing about 60 plus in your IRA account in a matter of few weeks doesn't necessarily help much, but I would probably be feeling this anyways. An amazing sense of profound grief - here it is - the first snow of the year already, it is cold and freezing out. Our first attempt at gardening -a huge success yielding incredible squashes, zucchinis, and tomatoes from a community garden in Carson City near a grave yard - set up by University of Reno - now with the first freeze I picked the crop for the last time, and as the blowing flurries "chilled me to the bone" again - a sense of grief, loss, and sadness. I know on some level it is a part of life. As my own song says "there is more than these feelings than this plane". I know you take the ying and the yang, and that is what I do. Still - every time this hits me it's like my ass is getting kicked for the first time all over again.