What

Where did my blog go - I can't find it - help....

The Peasants call her the Goddess of Gloom

I now have some time to update my place here as I have not been around much in the year 2009 – at least in my home place. I spent 19 out of 31 days in January, either in transit to or working in the Portland or southern Washington vicinity, and it is quite an intense drive – 600 plus miles – and a stretch of it goes from Susanville to Mount Shasta in the mountains and can be a little on the intimidating side when it is getting dark and it is raining buckets and the vehicle starts making strange sounds when it is going over pools of water that are deeper than a vehicle is supposed to travel over – as this was my experience on the way back, after I picked up my obligatory “Enjoy Weed (California)” tie-dye t-shirt at a gas station for a pretty reasonable price. This was the longest stretch away from home since I worked with Crawford & Company and went to Atlanta for 3 weeks of property adjuster training just after Sara was born.

Being away from home is kind of a mixed blessing - I say this as I am sitting in the Reno Tahoe Airport an hour and 15 minutes away from boarding a plane - back to my familiar place I have been working - Portland - this time though I will be working there for a relatively short 4 full days before flying back on Friday afternoon, only to hop another plane to Salt Lake City next week for a 3 day course in water extraction that will get me certified to be able to haggle better with the companies that throw fans and dehumidifiers in place after an unfortunate plumbing incident. So once I get back from that one - next Friday - I will officially have spent considerably far more time in the year 2009 away from my home city than actually at home. Seems to actually improve the sex life at home - the goodbye time, the welcome back time, the day after the welcome back time - absence does seem to help matters there a bit. As it seems to me anyways (from my perspective) that the moods and PMS of my beloved seem to be particularly intense with the hormones doing what they are doing - so that just by breathing I seem to be doing something wrong - then the act of actually engaging in a full minute or two of intimacy seems to at least semi-justify the torturous moments when I am receiving the full brunt of the PMS. (Makes note to himself - spending the day shuttling the girls around to go shopping and eating out is not an experience I will be repeating any time soon - and I will spare the details).

Portland brings up a lot of images - mainly the color grey. A lot of nice trees - but it is so very grey - and the one time it was not grey was when I happened to be right in Troutdale (remember Motel 6 Y-man) and Gresham working in some of the nastiest winds - courtesy of the Columbia River wind tunnel - that I have ever experienced from a roof - and this was re-inforced by one man telling me quite matter of factly that I was "crazy" for even thinking about what I eventually did - getting up on his 2 story roof (from a porch that made the climb not as intense - I am not even that crazy to go straight up in those conditions) and as he held the ladder and I made the leap up he told me as soon as he let go of the ladder the wind brought it crashing down. Once I get up I am basically hugging the roof with all available limbs and asking myself as the cold air is literally punching my body in every way possible - was I really stupid enough to do what I just did? A lot of those scenic trees were coming down onto people's houses and into their yards and giving some of these folks the bad news that insurance does not cover wind damaged trees that fall into a yard is a good way of getting some folks pretty pissed off.

On the up side - it was getting dark early and though I was responsible for at least on paper justifying 12 hours of work a day, it is pretty difficult to do an exterior inspection when it is pitch black outside - so I was usually heading back to the hotel around 5 or so as opposed to the 7 - 8 even 9:00 times I was doing this in the vicinity of Lincoln, Nebraska over the early summer. The hotel - Crowne Plaza - is walking distance from Trader Joes, and even though the hotel does not have a washing machine - strangely enough - the Phoenix Inn didn't mind me walking in and doing it in their basement lobby, and if you look confident enough they even think you are staying there after a while. It was also walking distance from Applebee's, Chevy's, a sushi place that was good, Olive Garden, and a local steak place called Stanford Grille, and a couple miles from a Benihana that had some good sushi as well, and I could either swim or ride the workout machines every morning, so a relatively comfortable place to stay.

So now arriving to the Bob Dylan line that makes up the title of this particular piece, I had an unexpected anima experience - the awakening of the inner feminine through the experience of a real life female - also known as having a crush or infatuation - with a lady whose name I have only indirectly referred to (you never know really if this could get back somehow) and although I won't go into specific details she was someone I was interacting with in the course of doing my job - quite frequently there - usually by phone or e-mail, although I did meet up with her in person a few times - purely on an innocent level. As in nothing physical happened - other than a hug - but if anything it brought home to me how easy it would be for something physical to happen when away from the comforts of home living out of a couple suitcases and hotel room for almost 3 weeks at a time. When you are working as many hours as I am there isn't really time to think about the idea of loneliness, but having an attraction awakened out of nowhere while being away from home made it apparent that loneliness was there. I wasn't pining away for the wife as much as missing my walks with my German Shepherd, and hearing Sara's voice on the phone every day made me realize I miss her - to the point that when driving back and hearing the Phish lyric "so if I'm inside your head" - it actully brought tears to my eyes.

So when you hear the voice of a friendly female on the phone, or have a certain thing going with the e-mails - you kind of feel at home - and of course the danger is - you may not want to be too much at home. I did tell Victoria of this experience when I got back as our relationship is open enough that we do share these things - and her reaction was it was too bad that nothing happened, but then the mind games are going - does she really mean that, was she just saying it, or is she just using it to get a pass for when she feels compelled to stray outside. As far as I know neither of us have - yet - but we have both thought about it and you just never know. The one dream I had with - going back to the title line - the GOG - I was sitting on my hotel bed - fully clothed - and she was right behind me - in a very intimate but not necessarily sexual way - holding my back with her arms over my chest leaning into me, and I woke up feeling very dreamy and content with this image. Now the reality sets in - she is close to my age, but a mother of two kids - one grown and one 12 - getting started very early around the age of 19 - and presently has a boyfriend - who from appearances (she had a gathering at her houes the last night) lives with her and although it may not be her end all relationship that leads to marriage - I don't get that sense anyways - obviously it is somewhat serious. On a certain level I feel that kind of emotional chemistry - like I click with her - relate to her - she even told me she had a dream about me shortly after my dream of her. On another level - night and day - she is a country music fan with towels reading "Cowgirl" on them, she stated she did not like Trader Joe's because of all the hippie types there who go there. I did tell her I am one of those hippies - more in disguise - but it still who I am - and she has a hard time believing it. So in some ways so close, in other ways worlds apart - but something definitely seemed to be there for me - and although I can't read her mind - it is possible for her too - the signs seem to at least suggest the possibility. But when you know somebody through work - not necessarily at work - but through work - and both of you are at least on paper committed - there is that fine line of actually making something happen - and the potential consequences therein - and also a bit of that sense of relief that since on paper you should not be making it happen - then there is no reason to have to go through that burden of trying, but also that disappointment when the what if thoughts start coming in.

So borrowing from some of my Buddhism books - I just go with the experience - not forcing it - not pushing it away - just letting it be what it is without feeling a need to make it more than that and that is where it stands. So imagine my surprise that shortly after hearing from her this week I am heading right back up that way - all over again - this time for a shorter period of time - to a place that I thought I was done with - at least for a good while anyways. As busy as it has been maybe I am going to be spending more time there - who knows. These experiences feel good - I think they are necessary for some reason - but as long as it stays where it is I am fine. Of course the nagging question also comes up what I would do or would have done if she had initiated something. It is quite an interesting question. I have been so kind and careful not to go to her too soon - as the song says. But what if she came to me? It is not a question I have an answer to...

Finally swept away

I took the 600 mile drive from Dayton, NV to Portland on Tuesday - it took me about 10 1/2 hours to get here. It was raining in most of Oregon, but not bad coming through the rest of the way - I went up from Reno to Susanville, took Feather Lake north of Susanville and connected to 89 leading up to Mount Shasta. When I got here I found out I had assignments in south Washington State including Kelso and Longview. After the first day of assignments one of the associates here told me to check the news as I had more lined up for Longview - well it turned out that I5 flooded and after some checking up on it I realized it was just north of where I was working. A 20 mile stretch was shut down with no detour and no train service so it was pretty bad. I came back to Kelso the next day, and after appt #1 took a wrong turn on Rose Valley Road and went deep into a valley that led me right up to a raging brown river and one of those "water over the road" conditions that was a little intimidating, but in a somewhat panicky state I didn't know any better and waded through in the vehicle. It was only until the road narrowed to a one lane road, with a tree sliding down from a gradual mudslide taking up half of it that I realize I was completely lost. I managed a U turn in a narrow one lane road - probably backing up and coming forward close to 10 times with that nasty raging brown river just next to me, and crossed over one more time through the "water over the road" area, before I found someone there who told me I had veered off about 10 miles the wrong way. Thankfully I got out since I had the feeling that the Forest was swallowing me up - it was dark and ominous the way "Blair Witch Project" felt - no cell service, out in the middle of nowhere and with the rain coming down and that nasty brown river at the side of the road it was like the scene of a scary movie. Needless to say, the whole thing could have been avoided with a GPS unit and as my company was willing to reimburse I got one the next day and it has been a huge help. I saw another area the day before in Longview where a steep back yard was literally pouring water into a furnished basement, and as I waded through in my boots I told yet another person here that there is no flood coverage. I felt like I was in the middle of a rain forest, and also had the same "water over the road" areas there, and with some roads blocked off with flooding I wondered what it would be like to be trapped there with no way out. Sometimes they look like they are about to cry when I tell them. It's the hardest part of my job. Weather is starting to clear up and they may have the I5 ready to go soon.

Obama song by Michael Franti

Obama Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ou-oz6PZm4
A great song from a great artist!!

Oh demon alcohol

Oh demon alcohol,Sad memories I cannot recall,

Who thought I would say,Damn it all and blow it all,

Oh demon alcohol,Memories I cannot recall,

Who thought I would fall a slave to demon alcohol

Lines by Ray Davies

This is what my backyard fence now looks like courtesy of the latest windstorm. This is the time of year that everyone gets together for holiday parties. Alcohol is the focus of many of these parties. I am not one to judge, but I stopped drinking years ago after it started to make me sick. I have an addictive personality. I can't imagine a life without chocolate or some kind of sexual activity, whether that activity happens with or without another person. So for those that I know that are - let's come out and say it - addicts - slaves to alcohol, I am not one to condemn or judge since I am far from free from my own addictions. Still - I always notice that the reason I am not entirely comfortable around a group of drinkers is it creates another me vs. them situation. You know the old saying - you are either with us or against us - by that silent act of not participating there is already a difference set. So this time of year when the invites to parties start piling up - like there are so many I don't know what to do with (all 3 of them) I start finding excuses why not to go because it is hard to relate to a group of drinkers when you aren't one of them. Sure I have had my fun times - slamming away on an out of tune guitar until all the strings broke one by one - screaming out singing until my voice got hoarse - I had my moments, but I feel like those were my kiddie days in some ways now. Any addiction serves one purpose - it gets you to avoid a painful side of yourself you don't want to face. Once I go long enough without sex - as defined as the act involving two people, those feelings emerge. With sex I think there is a line between abstaining - which is necessary at times - and partaking - which for the sake of a relationship's survival - is also necessary at times - and every couple has to figure out what works for them. With alcohol though it seems like a much greater and more destructive force, not only because what it does to the body - the liver and the brain - but what it also does to the psyche. It seems like it creates a vampiric state of existence where you are either living for the thrill of being high or recovering in a drained burned out state. Off and on - and in avoiding the pain that you medicate yourself with, you get further and further from yourself - knowing who you really are, really knowing your scars. So again - I am not one to state how one deals with their wounds and their pain - I just know it is difficult for me to be around chronic drinkers because their pain is so openly advertised in the thin disguise of intoxicated pleasure. Party on.

Lord you can see that it's true

He could pass his time'round some other line

But you know he chose this place beside her

Don't get in the way, there's nothing you can say

Nothing that you need to add or do

They love each other

Lord, you can see it's true

Seeing that my last post was written in a somewhat depressed state I can balance it out with a little neutrality here. When Victoria came back from her individual session with the therapist it seemed pretty hopeless here. Of course what I didn't realize since I have now been back in is that she was giving me her spin on what happened, which amazingly enough was quite different than the therapist's spin on it. Although I love Victoria, her representation of the facts of a situation has never been her greatest strength, so it was interesting to see that from what the therapist told me she was not actually saying what Victoria claims she said in the first place. Victoria said the therapist encouraged her to leave me, the therapist said she told her it is not fair to continue to state she will leave if she doesn't. When asked if she was done (with our relationship), Victoria claims to have answered yes, but the therapist heard her say "I don't know". She heard what she wanted to hear and twisted it. It is not that it didn't happen, but she heard what she wanted to hear.

Without pointing fingers - because it does no good - I still am one that believes that the role model of your parent of the opposite sex shapes your relationships in the future. Seeing that my mother was - and still is - a highly unstable, angry, emotional wreck who never developed a very effective way of dealing with her own issues, I know that has set the stage for all of the women in my life and there has been a common theme. This starts with the first woman - Sharon - she was the first I ever kissed or made love to, and was in love with at the time - she was a troubled woman suffering from schizophrenia and lacked the strength to make any type of decision on a daily level . This unstable theme holds all the way down the relatively short list of women in my life, every woman I have known has been highly troubled and somewhat unstable. The next woman - Brigit - an Italian Jew with amazingly large and beautiful breasts - was such a control freak that it was difficult to be around her - well when the sex wasn't happening anyways - and when sex became a blatant part of the control - it was too much for me to take. Karen - although I lived with her and loved her - and I still do love her - had been through hell with the passing of her mother at 3 and then a wicked abusive stepmother stepping in, and her abandonment issues seemed to make my inevitable abandonment of her a self-fulfilling prophecy. Raulin - a very sexy Latina woman - had alcohol issues, and her issues with sex and intimacy - even though I had some of the best sex ever with her - you can point to her own possible molest as a child and I was in lust/love with her too - but it was like clutching at straws - and when she started running away I called her on it by not allowing her to come back - as much as I wanted to. So by the time Victoria came around, I kind of felt that I had a bit of a sneak preview in that she was a bit of each and every one of them.

I could see the writing on the wall from the beginning. She was there, but then she was trying to back out - even in the first months I was with her. She was telling me I should be with someone else, she was scared of the intimacy that she so desperately needed, she didn't like me living like a slob, wearing cheap shoes and dressing like a complete fucking idiot. I remember when we had some dumb dispute - I am not sure exactly what it was - she may have been upset I wasn't taking her out to dinner, or she thought I was too blame from some very unpleasant physical symptoms that developed from sex - whatever it was - she was running away even then and I was supposed to meet her at Balboa Park in San Diego, but I couldn't find her. I had this very crucial thought in my mind. I knew a pattern was set in motion. I knew that if I threw in the towel with her, that ultimately I would just keep finding her again and again in other women. So I thought this is too big for me to fight - this pattern of women in my life. If I met a stable woman with a good foundation there would be no allure. So as sick as the whole thing was, it was my sickness - being drawn to sick women - and nobody could ever accuse me of being the most mentally stable man in the world anyways - so I thought no - I am not backing away from this because Victoria was the most stable of the unstable women I had known. I know it is a complete contradiction, but she is stable in her own way. This is a woman who endured - most likely - sexual advances from her father - some of which were repressed, an abusive distant mother who hit her more than she spoke to her, she had the intelligence and insight to question a very abusive culture where women are slaves with no rights - and when I met her coming off a rebound from a husband who had beaten her, you would think she would be completely shut down - and even though she was close to it - I saw a strength and resiliency to come through all of these things and somehow of all the women I had known previously on an intimate level, I had the idea that I wanted to be with her. And almost 12 1/2 years later I still am.

I love her and it has been hell at times, sometimes even it still is - but I still love her and have no regrets. Sure it's easy to be in touch with other couples who have much more of a life in the bedroom than I do, but everyone has their own issues to face. Envy is a wasted emotion because you can only live your own life. Sometimes we can go for a long time without it happening at all, but even when it seems hopeless, when I have heard her once again proclaim we are done there, it can never happen again, we always seem to gravitate back to it. I know it is rare that she actually gets off, and the older we get the less frequent it becomes. At the beginning on some survival instinct she was ready for it all the time. Then it started to taper down. Last time she was into it, a Mexican painter student of hers was really getting her worked up, and she wanted him but that sexual energy had nowhere to go and she was receptive to me. Some might take that personally, but hell - whatever works. One time she even got off on the idea that I was going to physically re-unite with Karen. Still - even if the wait is long - when I do make love to her again, I feel like I am at home and I know she is the woman I still want to be with even after years of a struggle.

Victoria once observed that my sister seems to live the role of a little girl in her marriage. The husband provides everything for her - takes care of her - even feeds her (she won't eat if he doesn't) and she acts and talks just like a little teenager. As she explained to my brother, that is where she is safe after all of the hurt she has endured - from the endless screaming of my mother to her sexual assaults and physical abuse in one of her relationships. She is safe there. Victoria seemed to understand that. So imagine my surprise when the therapist without hearing anything about my sister - seemed to paint Victoria the same way. The same pattern is there. In a broken environment growing up, Victoria dreamed of running away and finally did that in her mid teens when her father started asking her to sit on his lap. She moved in with a Wiccan priest twice her age who replaced her father. She had some sex with him, but it didn't last. When she married Stuart - who was completely unstable and beating her up - running away was the right thing. So in her model - as a little girl - running away is what you do. So she talks about it, dreams of it, plans it all the time with me. But I am not hurting her. I don't beat her up. Sometimes the sexuality unfortunately is a connection with her past and there is no way around that. I can't turn it off - I am a sexual being. She in turn has emotional needs and needs to be held. One can't happen without the other. At some point I believe it can get better there, but for now the compromise is it happens some times, other times there are long breaks in between, but it never goes away.

The therapist observed all of her plans to actually go somewhere are disconnected and foggy with no foundation in reality. There is nothing holding them up. She wants to go to school full time and be independent, but she struggles to complete one local community college class without being overwhelmed with fear. She hated San Diego when I met her there - she was ready to move back to Chicago when I met her - but she never did. Now that we are here she has an idea that moving back with her friend Marlene is the answer - that somehow she will raise a very demanding child completely on her own, go to school full time, and become independent. The therapist found it very interesting that Marlene lives not in Chicago, but in San Diego - the place she wanted to get away from. What about the four animals she adores - the two dogs and cats - that she has an easier time expressing affection for - what happens to them - I can't take care of them on my own. And her beloved Chicago - there is not one person in her family she would want to move back in with - including her mother, brother, or any of her sisters. She has no friends there who would take her in. Living alone and paying the bills - she relies on me for that - not just for the money but to actually take the time to get the payments out and get them on time. So long story short - she will always be fixated on something - that with me anyways - will never happen. Because on some level she knows she has a foundation and love here that she will not get anywhere else. It scares her - the intimacy - because she has never been loved before in a way that was consistent and stable, so she cannot accept it now. But here it is.

Meanwhile - my mother confused me by being affectionate at times and being an endless screaming witch at other times - so to me love and rejection experience are intertwined. So my pattern works well here too because when I am rejected - physically - it is familiar to me. When I feel rejection I become physically and emotionally down - my heart hurts (broken heart as cheesy at it sounds becomes a real symptom), I am lethargic, on the verge of tears constantly, everything takes an effort. I relive the hurt I experienced with my mother all the time. So where some in my situation might have said fuck this and moved on, I take the emotional blows because it is familiar territory. There is just enough love and intimacy here to hold out because if the rejection was all I experienced it would be too much to take. But on some dysfunctional miracle that holds this mess together here, when it gets that bad somehow Victoria knows it and we always seem to make up in the bedroom at the right time before it gets too far in that direction. It seems that on our 13th year together there is some built in survival mechanism that keeps us together and keeps the bad times from getting too bad. When I fell in love with Renee on line and was desperate enough to consider being with her physically, we found the right therapist and actually experienced a brief upswing where we both enjoyed sex for a while. Every time she is drawn to someone, she seems to have the sense to know acting on it physically would get her nowhere. We come back to each other - we always do - because on some level we know we belong together.

So she is hurtful at times - I know that experience well - she says things she doesn't always mean and I have to hear her and let her speak without taking her literally - because what she says is not what she really means on a deeper level. She is reliving her own hurt and her own distrust of love and I have to distance myself from it and not take it personally. Somehow within this dysfunctional mess of two broken hearts and minds who have taken their share of hurt growing up, there is the waiting flower of love like a rose waiting to come up from the cracks of a concrete sidewalk. I have to hold out in the times of apparent hopelessness and never give up. As long as I continue to believe in love - love will always find me - one way or the other. Today is Thanksgiving and I give thanks for the love that is in my life. It is a long and lonely road at times, but even so - love is always there if you continue to believe in her.

Brokedown Palace

Goin to leave this Broke-down Palace

On my hands and my knees I will roll roll roll

Make myself a bed by the waterside

In my time - in my time - I will roll roll roll
In a bed, in a bed by the waterside I will lay my head

Listen to the river sing sweet songsto rock my soul

Ollabelle is one of my favorite recent groups so to see them doing their cover of this song at this highly emotional point in my life was just bringing tears running down my face as I watched it.

God damn why does life have to be so hard? I know I'm lucky to have a job when many are losing their houses and starving, and it's not that I am not grateful, but it's enough to take on this time of year when the daylight is nearly cut in half over the peak time of year for me, but to take on the seemingly insurmountable obstacles of my marriage on top of it almost seems too much. I know some were speculating that my younger brother was on the verge of a divorce after his wife was absentee on the Love Boat, but are we the ones who are really heading there? I chose a recommended therapist for our latest wave of counseling, and after the first session with my wife this lady is strongly urging her to consider separation. I also saw this lady and she seemed pretty solid to me - so here is the recommended diagnosis and is that where we are headed? It seems pretty darn bleak and I didn't sleep much last night. I ended up staying up with Victoria and holding her and she had me laughing - once again - and in some ways she is my best and closest friend, and yet sex has a way of fucking everything up because you can't just make it go away. This year my desire has been down, but sometimes it comes back and the counselor told V that if she goes through with it without really enjoying it she is a prostitute who is betraying herself. So maybe that is the case and if that is then how can that issue possibly be resolved? It may have diminished, but I have a sex drive and I do desire love - even if it is not constant - I can't live a brother sister life with someone I have a desire for. I was hoping another wave of counseling would turn us around the way it once did a few years back, and instead we are already talking about separating. I am one of those impossible optimists and even though sometimes it is hard to get through the day without tears streaming down my face and the heaviest of hearts, I still believe we belong together and can work this out - even if we have to separate to figure that out. As far as the answer to our sex struggles, I just don't know what it is but there has to be one somewhere. All in all - a pretty depressing situation and sometimes I just don't know how I even deal with this or get through it.