Obama has it

I don't want to be one of those typical bloggers who devotes 100% of the time to politics and following every move of the one I am for or against. I vote Democrat, but I honestly wasn't real excited by Gore, Kerry, or Clinton - even if I did vote for them. What I don't like about the Republican party is the alignment with the extreme born again Christians, and the notion that religion should interfere with politics to affect issues such as abortion and stem cell research. Although my brother was correct in nothing I was a fan of Ayn Rand, what drew me to her was not her commitment to pure market capitalism, but the issue of individuality and the ability to stand out in a crowd and be true to your self. I will always like that part of her philosophy, but since as she says you are either 100% for or against her, I guess I am against now because I have never been 100% for anything. I do believe there has to be an incentive for certain kinds of work. If a Walmart cashier is paid as much as a heart surgeon, the incentive is taken away - so some people inevitably need to earn more money than others. But I also think if the rich get richer and the poor get poorer to extreme- as seems to be the case now - where all the wealth is concentrated in the hands of a select few, so that people lose their houses, and don't have the coverage to see a doctor, I don't think that works either. In short there has to be a balance between capitalism - for incentive - and socialism - to regulate the inherent need for power and destructive greed - which I believe in stark contradiction to Ayn Rand's philosophy, does not necessarily result in the common good overall. People do stupid things - get greedy - cheat - rig the books - make dumb investments - pollute - and then look what is happening now on Wall Street and the world overall. On the socialist side, I don't see a great crime in taking care of the sick and dying - those who can't afford health care. I see a selfish end in the unselfish act of taking care of others - if we live in a healthy society, that helps the individuals who live in it. If the sick and dying are lining the street - as the case with very stark rich/poor distributions - such as Mexico - that is a tragedy for everyone involved. So in so many words - I think the center is better than any extreme and that sums up how I feel - in so many words about politics.
When Obama took the stage at yesterday's rally here in the Reno area, I felt the incredible energy that once drew me to see the Grateful Dead as many times as I did. The crowd was ecstatic - in my You Tube film you can see a young lady (I think) jumping up at down the way I did when I first heard "Scarlet Begonias" or "Dark Star" at a Grateful Dead concert. There was an incredible energy and Obama didn't have to say some kind of phony "my friends" because it was clear that he was connected to the crowd. It was there in his body language, his mannerism, who he was. He didn't seem to be putting on an act - he was just being himself - he was one of us but he was the one with the collective magic and gift to be the one - of us - who was doing the talking. I felt like I could - in another set of circumstances - sit down and chat with him and it would be like talking to an old friend. You feel like you know him - the same way we felt like we knew Jerry Garcia - even if you don't know him, but there is not an aura of I am better than you I see in so many politicians.
We arrived at 7:30 after all waking up at 5:00 AM, and because I had found the location of the baseball park at the University of Nevada Reno location on line, I wasn't fumbling around looking for it, and we found a somewhat convenient spot in a lot. Maybe why I am always drawn to Democrats is they seem like they are the true down to earth people, people not hung up on wealth, status, or power but more people who generally speaking are looking out for the common good. I always see more of a selfishness in Republicans - I've got mine - so fuck you - lower my taxes and you are on your own. Damn it I worked hard, so you work hard too and you maybe are lucky enough to hit the lotto like I did, if not - fuck you - not my problem. That was impression of the "Contract of America" among other things. I know - we all like to see ourselves as cowboys, and damn to hell the "free loaders" who collect from the system and take welfare or health care. Nobody likes a freeloader, but on a larger scale, sucking up a disproportionate amount of the world's resources - oil among them - and belching out a huge amount of pollution and having this mis-match contribute to worldwide poverty and hunger - aren't we on a certain collective level, all freeloaders, here in this country - at least those who can afford it? Why do I deserve good food, TV, power and electricity more than a starving man in Africa.. because I am American and that makes me entitled? That to me is hypocrisy. I take more of the Buddhist approach - and adopt the previously spoken line that when one is not free, all are not free, and when one is oppressed, all are. When people in this world are going hungry and sick, it affects all of us - because we are all one organism.
I am a realist. I don't think Obama just takes office, waves a magic wand, and makes this all go away. The economic crisis does not go away overnight. I was against the Iraq invasion from day one and I believe the economic, political, and moral repercussions will be devastating for decades to come. This "war on terror" which I see more as world class warfare than a war on ideology, can only really be solved when billions are not living in hunger and poverty - and I don't see how one man can really change the destructive consumption and waste built into our collective American consciousness, because this has been centuries in the making.
Even so - when I see Obama speak, and possibly even risk his life in his run for president as the first African American doing this, I see the courage of Martin Luther King who also knew his own life was in danger by doing what he believed in. I don't see a phony George Bush, who wrapped himself in his born again Christian righteousness, and then paid back all the companies who put him in office with his favoritism of the wealthy, and business as usual corruption that ended up with one of the worst policy invasions of all time, the invasion of Iraq. Bush didn't really seem to care about anybody but those who took care of him. In Obama I see somebody who wants to change the country for the better because he does care - and I see sincerity and a sense of reality in him that I don't see in many politicians.
At his speech I saw a real presence in him. He made us laugh - he was funny - but at the same time he looked like a leader, someone who genuinely wants to steer the country back not to payoff the rich elite as Bush did, but someone who really wants the best for all of us. I know every point of mine can be debated by Republican and religious conservatives. I know some feel as passionate about McCain and Palin (who drew about 1/3 of the same crowd numbers when she came here a few days earlier) and who am I to say who is right or wrong. I tend to see Republicans as a combination of ignorant and selfish, but I don't hold it against them. They want what is right just like I do, I just don't agree with how they make it happen.
In short, I left the rally buzzing - feeling like I had witnessed history, feeling like I had seen a man with a real presence to him, and I went back and watched my little home made video of him, where on You Tube his physical size is not much bigger than a thumbtack due to my cheap camera, but even watching that I picked up on the energy and excitement of the crowd, and the power of his movement and body language even from a far. I was close enough to actually see him better than my footage came out, and though he has hit the trail and moved on - I still feel like he is here and I still feel a connection. God help us if he loses, but if he wins I am going to feel a real sense of joy and optimism that I haven't felt in years. No - he is no miracle worker - one person can't do it alone - but if there is anybody who can steer us out of the mess we are in, I truly believe he is the guy.

Addicted to love

Victoria read to me some of the characteristics of addictive love in a book she saw. Of course - like anything - some fit - some did not. I take a look at where I am now. At some point there is a selfish desire that makes intimate love happen - sex feels pretty darn good - and it is nice to have it with a new woman. I was very happy when I first started this relationship. But at some point - the only way love can survive is to slowly transition from selfish to selfless - because on a pure selfish level, the payoff starts to lessen over time. Speaking for my own anyways. It seems like anything will diminish over a period of time - hence the law of diminishing returns. Here I am now - 43 years old - and I am noticing that the testosterone level is not what it once was. Sure I take care of personal business quite frequently, but the idea of sex is starting to seem like a lot of trouble and effort. Sara loves the song "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" and when I listen to it I almost feel like it doesn't mean the same thing at 43 as it did at age 20 - when just looking at a picture of a nude woman in a Playboy or Penthouse magazine was enough to send me through the roof. Now my friend e-mails me something like that and I think - yeah - they're kind of pretty - actually they're starting to look now like they are young enough to be my daughter.

Sex has held us together for a long time now, somewhat grudgingly - but now I amazingly find myself backing away from it. It seems forced, contrived - now neither of us are really into it, and simulating it at this time seems preferable to making it happen. Is this a permanent state? I think that is another key to love - to realize that even when there is a bad time going on that it is not permanent. So even when I feel like the last place I want to be is around my wife, when our mutual irritations with each other feed into unpleasant comments, when love becomes nothing more than drudgery and the feeling of I would rather be absolutely anywhere but here, when the discussions of maybe we'd be better off apart than together, so that we'd be "free" to chase that elusive romance that lies waiting - the one that is going to fulfill all the hidden repressed desires and passions - that is when the selfless aspect of love comes in. In "Husbands and Wives" the man found a younger woman who loved sex and he had a great time with her, only to eventually come back to his much less sexually interested wife - and he realized she was the one he really belonged with all along, despite the illusive temptation of something better.

So I look at the big picture now when the talks of separation come up. I know I love my wife. I don't love her because I hope to get a great sexual experience, because right now it isn't in the cards. I am optimistic at some point it will come back, but sometimes in the hope of something coming back, letting go has to happen first. I know both of us at times dream of being "somewhere else" - maybe a bustling city for her, maybe a hot passionate romance for me - and yet here we are. Right here - now - this. I don't love everything about my wife. Gone are the days of putting her on a pedestal. When she said nobody would be interested in you - I didn't like the comment, or the way it was said. I didn't care for the implied cruelty within it, but I didn't take it personally either. Because first of all, I know it is not true - and even if it was - there is more to what "I" am then who is interested in me, because the older I get the inevitability will be that less and less will find me attractive, but that is part of the eventual letting go. It is not me - who is interested in me - or repulsed by me - I see myself as a pure spirit that transcends the opinions of others. So within minutes - that is done - and now what. The day goes on. I don't love her because I imagine her to be a wonderful, kind person because I have seen her cruel side. We all have it. Nobody is perfect. Kindness is mixed with cruelty.

This is as far from addictive love as I can imagine, because there is no real payoff now that sex seems to be at least for the time being removed from the picture. I love here because after 12 years she is a part of who I am. I love her because we have a daughter who depends on us to guide her and we can do a much better job of it together than apart. The ultimate biological aspect of love is to bring up offspring and that is what we are doing. I love her because if we did separate this whole household of cuddly animals and one child would be no more. I love her because I believe we are better off together than apart, even if it is a hell of a lot of hardwork, drudgery, bitterness, and tension - and the feeling that there has to be something better. That is where selfless comes in - as I am at a restaurant I would rather not be at because I know it is where she wants to be, or I am driving her to her doctor, standing in a long line for her medicine, feeling that I am there to take care of her in "sickness and health" just like the vows said - because I believe whether times are going great and we are in la la land, or we are in a rut and just want to get the hell away from each other - it is the same big picture, the two sides of the same coin. I am not going to back down when times are tough, the hormones are going downhill, old age approaching in the form of middle age is rearing its ugly head, when the whole charm is long gone, because I see we have something that has kept us together for more than 12 years, more than most couple on average will last, and I am not going to walk away. I know even laughing, holding hands, hugging, just doing the basics that go beyond sex, are still satisfying in their own way. I know I will sometimes lose it and voices may be raised, and remember Sara falling to her feet in desperation at seeing us fight, knowing how frightening and upsetting it is for her to think we can separate, and I know that I will do everything I can to not let my daughter down, or let my wife down, even if she doesn't want to f___ing be here - I still have a karmic responsibility to take care of every moving living creature in this household - being the one main source of income here - and that by the grace of God I am in a position to have a job to do that in a time when people are losing their jobs, and losing their houses, and it is my karmic reward to be in a place to do that.

So you call this addictive love? Right now it feels like anything other than addiction. It seems like a lot of hard work and hard times, but I am not going to back down from it. That to me is selfless and that to me is the true meaning of love - getting outside of yourself and doing your part in caring for and taking care of others who are counting on you. Even when you don't really feel like it. You do it because you know that is your place in life. So here I am.

There is no pain you are receding

"There is no pain, you are receding.

A distant ships smoke on the horizon.

You are only coming through in waves.

Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone

.I cannot put my finger on it now

The child is grown, the dream is gone

I have become comfortably numb."

Comfortably numb might be a nice place to be now. If I lived my life by those who wanted me to take anti-depressants, that might be where I would be. Instead here I am - doing a little better than I was last night when I sat there lying on my bed in a dark room, tears streaming down my face, feeling hopeless, feeling angry at the injustice and misery of living, feeling life was just a cruel, ironic joke, feeling like a failure for taking apart my leaking bathtub faucet as I had successfully done a few years ago, but this time failing to fix the problem and causing more of a drip than I had before, knowing I was going to have to throw in the towel and call a plumber who will probably charge me something I can't afford for something I - at least in theory - could have fixed myself if not for the old plumbing faucet cartridge being so corroded and stuck that I could only get the middle of it out, not just have it pop right out as it does on the Moen website instructions. In the spirit of my father, I did give it the college try and attempt repairs, I just came up short and I was taking the defeat of the faucet very personally, like my failure to fix it was a symbol of my own inherent failure.

Maybe they were right all along - maybe I am "bipolar" - even if it is more of a controlled bipolar. I alternate from feeling spiritually connected and grateful to be alive, when I feel like I am in part of the flow of existence, to feeling hopeless, infatuated with death, and walking around with "tear stained eyes" and a physical feeling of having a heavy heart when I am on the other side. Each time it doesn't keep me from doing my job and taking care of my family. I just got a compliment from an upper level manager for my ability to continue to "razzle dazzle" the customers, all because I hit it off pretty well with an 84 year old customer, wrote him a check as I always do for his laminate floor damages, and getting a little personal and telling him of my love for music and playing guitar seemed to really impress a guy, who in person as a child met his idol at the time, John Philip Sousa, shortly before his passing. So point being - whether I am on the high side or low side, I have enough sense to not let either side take me too far, which is why I seem to get by without the wonders of pharmaceuticals.

But that is not to say it isnt' a bitch at times. Last night, I was really feeling horrible and today I forced myself against my immediate wishes to drag my ass to the gym and do my hour of cardio and about 200 weight reps, speaking to an Iranian-American Southwest pilot named JT - who shared with me his disgust with American tendencies and values. Sometimes you just have to get your ass out there as I did this morning, have a little human contact, get some exercise, do what it takes to grab a little bit of balance, and just hope that the inevitable gloominess will come to an end, but when it hits, man it is a motherfucker. When those death thoughts seem so prevalent, I just have to remind myself it is temporary and think of my own lyrics "I surrendur to death but I don't need to be dead" or "don't be the pain" and realize that what is so strong at the point to make me a crying babbling idiot, does not have to take hold of me. It does pass - like a solid mountain as our local meditation teacher uses as a symbol - it is a hell of a storm - just like the grey gloominess of our first snow here with face biting cold, but it is going to go away. It just seems so real and permanent whenever it is happening. I am not suicidal, but sometimes I think when it is my time to pass on to whatever lies next, I will feel somewhat relieved to not have to go through the down side any more.

On some level I feel like my own depression I seem to be experiencing now is somehow or another synchronistic with our country's financial troubles. I try to stay away from politics. On My Space, I have Barack Obama as my first listed "friend", I've voted Democrat ever since I can remember and I always will, but I am not going to go on about every move the candidate makes, or how much Sarah Palin appears to me to be a religious right fanatic as the second coming of Hitler, because I just don't get caught up in it. I vote Democratic, hope we get the hell out of Iraq soon, hope whoever gets in there does what's best for our country, but I don't dwell on it too much. The financial meltdown is a little different though and it speaks to our collective culture in a lot of ways. Sometimes I wonder if a financial collapse is a blessing or curse or combination of both. I was very much in agreement with columnist Lenore Skenazy writing about A Great Depression for Kids, but I think that applies to American adults as well as the kids addressed here. Not counting those that are homeless or living in ghettos, I think the majority of us are spoiled sick and have a sense of "entitlement". There is a collective American arrogance that somehow we are better than the rest of the world, and that our excessive proportional use of the world's resources is justified, because hey - we deserve it - even if as a result of this excessive consumption of ours, those resources we unevenly consume lead to excessive pollution, global warming, and maybe somebody else in the world starving to death because those resources are taken away. Hey - Fuck them - that's too bad, but I need my two all beef patties, even if deforestation somewhere is the result, I need to travel all over the place because I feel like it, even if pollution and global warming result, I need my fucking 42 inch Plasma TV to keep up with the Joneses cus damn it they have one, and if they have one, I deserve one too. I think of the "Samsara" concept in the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, where you are thirsty and drink a glass of sand to quench your thirst, and our thirst for nice things, for the desire to go on cheesy cruises, have the best shit, have nice landscaping to show off to our neighbors - all seem to me part of a collective sickness that western culture eats up. TV brainwashes us constantly into buying the latest car to be fashionable, wearing the nice clothes and perfumes, even drinking the right beer to increase sex appeal - that somehow all this stuff will make us happy. Every day on the news we hear that god forbid the economy is doing poorly because of all things SALES are down. Consume - consume - and everyone is happy. But at what cost - not only in resources exhausted for the world around us, but our own spiritual cost for the endless desire to have something that cannot be obtained.

I don't know if she reads this any more, but one of our friends out this way - perfect example - they bought a house for 150K - got it as a steal from their parents - and then went ahead and borrowed about another amount close to double that to do everything from re-model the kitchen to buy a custom new van with doors that open by themselves, and spend the rest going on their constant travels and vacations. The real jaw dropper was when she told me they borrowed an amount to cover the actual payments. Why not - re-model, cash in on some equity, make a killing on the house that could only increase in value, and then get the hell out and move to Seattle and live happily ever after. Never mind the hygiene issues that are quite apparent when you walk into the house due to noticeable traces of urine. I have nothing against them - they are nice people and their kids have played with Sara - but I continue to find this type of behavior not only shocking, but completely destructive. Barring some miracle, I don't see how they hold onto their house. Last I checked the husband makes a decent, but not overwhelming salary, the wife works a little part time, and they had their second kid, may have a third, and have a barn full of animals to care for.

Yes - the Wall Street execs - using creative terms like leveraging, credit default, whatever they were doing and whatever they call it - in simple terms were doing nothing more than gambling on the strength of the market - that the bubble would never burst. In the event that it did, they had shakey "insurance" policies with no adequate funds to back them up, and as long as the gravy train kept coming they could inflate the numbers, own their mini-mansions and live the high life of the American dream. I don't see them as any more or less guilty than my friends who decided to borrow double the amount of their house to live a lifestyle they can't really afford, because from top to bottom it's all part of the same delusion and at some point every bubble is going to burst, just like every high time of mine is inevitably going to fall into gloom and doom. I seem to know first-hand what many in a collective state of denial had to learn the hard way. Apparently even billionaire Warren Buffett warned of coming doom, but as long as the gravy train was flowing nobody cared too much about tomorrow. It is all part of the same sickness the way I see it - Wall Street - Main Street - we all buy into the same arrogant lie of entitlement, and when we all end up on our asses - maybe that's where we need to be to balance it out. For me it is a mere matter of having somewhere between 100 to 150, 000 in dollars on paper anyways, gone, but life goes on - I have a job - I don't see myself foreclosing - at least any time soon - and I try to live at least as responsibly as I can, though honestly we have our excesses too. I resisted the temptation to dip further into debt to redo a lot of badly needed home repairs - from cabinets falling apart to cheap-ass low grade carpet with holes in it needing replacement - to realize that I can only afford so much after the first re-fi that covered the roof and new siding, among other things.

My re-fi shows I succumbed to it too, but I at least did not get too far out of line. I do not owe more than the very decreased value of my house, and if I were to sell now I'd probably break even, but sure it was a shock to have the equity line stripped down dramatically, and the 401K drop down to 50% dramatically. We may scrape, but we'll get by. For others - losing their jobs, their houses, losing it all - I can only imagine what hell they are going through - but sadly to me - if we all just lived a little bit more modestly and realistically, none of this would have had to happen. But when we all go overboard, collectively, consuming more than we are entitled to at the expense of the remainder of the poplulation of the world, running off on our cheesy little cruises and travels, buying our stupid little toys - consuming - consuming - consuming - then what the hell did anyone really expect and is it so bad now that some of us can't afford the toys we had before. Some cows out there must be living it up - probably now some people who can't afford to buy steak are saving their lives.

So - I have to stop somewhere and there may be more to say - but a kick in the ass and a depression is often something we need to balance our delusions of grandeur. In the end it's not the end of the world and somehow we'll get by. Maybe we'll even learn a thing or two in the process. Once can only hope.

One silver lining to add - thanks to the help of a neighbor who works in construction and takes apart cars in his spare time, he yanked out the old cartridge and now my faucet is working great - no drips!

I think I might be sinking

lyric from "Going to California"

I react to the seasons. It seems to be the way it is. In the spring and summer an entire amazing universe opens up to me as I play my music with the sun coming down over the mountains and the moon bursting up at night. I feel alive and connected, and then some time right around the fall - it shuts off. Every year this time of year it seems like someone I am close to has died and then my eyes seem to be constantly watering and I feel a sense of grief and loss. That is what fall and inevitably winter seem to represent to me. Spring and summer burst with life and hope, and then "summer dies and August flies, and then world grows dark and mine" as stated by Robert Hunter. I guess losing about 60 plus in your IRA account in a matter of few weeks doesn't necessarily help much, but I would probably be feeling this anyways. An amazing sense of profound grief - here it is - the first snow of the year already, it is cold and freezing out. Our first attempt at gardening -a huge success yielding incredible squashes, zucchinis, and tomatoes from a community garden in Carson City near a grave yard - set up by University of Reno - now with the first freeze I picked the crop for the last time, and as the blowing flurries "chilled me to the bone" again - a sense of grief, loss, and sadness. I know on some level it is a part of life. As my own song says "there is more than these feelings than this plane". I know you take the ying and the yang, and that is what I do. Still - every time this hits me it's like my ass is getting kicked for the first time all over again.

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on SNL

Rather than talking about how horrific I find Sarah Palin to be on every level, I am going to put up a link to a skit mocking the debate - I was in tears laughing so hard -

Saturday Night Live debate