Excerpt from "The Cactus Eaters" by Dan White

Page 169:

"It's not that the woods made me feel competent; quite the opposite. It's just that the woods made everyone in my family feel like an idiot. They were a great equalizer. Even my older brother, a strawberry-blond sadist with a weakness for Ayn Rand, was reduced to a wood louse by the sequoias. Out in the woods, he screamed with fright when yellow jackets swarmed around him. Once, while he was already panicking, I informed him that these stinging creatures were attracted to the glare of his brightly colored windbreaker, though who knows if this was true. I never claimed to be an entomologist. Out in the forest, during a sudden storm over the Minarets, my brother scanned the sky with rabbity eyes, searching for the lightning bolg I dearly hoped would roast him in his boots. That's what I loved so much about the High Sierra. It was a reliable producer of long-lasting and delicious memories."

The Music Never Stopped

Crazy rooster crowin' midnight.

Balls of lightning roll along.

Old men sing about their dreams.

Women laugh and children scream,

And the band keeps playin' on

Trying to figure out a way to start this out - a title - and drawing a blank so I'll let it come to me. That's how I do what I do - to seek it never seems to work - it seems to need to find me - hey - that's it - from my own song - maybe that's I'll how to start it. Well - anyways - I am going back in time now - a full 9 days for this one - because it is one of those nights that will stand out in my mind for a while - not necessarily because I reached the "zone" - a place I seem to reach somewhat consistently, even this morning when I was walking my dog along the base of my favorite mountain range - a range which I can see from my back yard, but even better in the open space behind our development - a range which seems to really be alive and talks to me with silent words - not necessarily words - but more a calm presence which seems to suggest a very present being in what some would see as merely a chain of rock formed by volcanoes many years ago. But as I was walking along I started singing my own songs - just out loud - no guitar present - and my recent writings "There is Only Love" - "My Sweet Love" are writings that take on a life of their own and seem to fit in quite well at the base of my beloved mountains - the same mountains that my wife always tells me something like - they're just mountains, what's the big deal. The big deal to me is they are inspiring beautiful entities that calm my soul, give me hope in the face of hopelessness, and have a mysterious presence that sums up my own relationship with what some call God. So singing these songs, with my beloved German Shepherd by my side, I can get into the zone, just like I can during my favorite time of the day when the sun is setting, and everything seems to be bursting with spirit and presence, when it seems so clear to me that so much that is unseen is present, that other dimensions beyond the ones we detect are alive and well, that everything from the wind, tree leaves, branches, birds and insects - are all in on this same symphony - and I could swear to God my dog looks over at me at times, looks right through me as if to say "I am in on it too". So even if this zone - which at times I believe in experiencing it is my way of re-charging my own energy levels - is something I often experience alone (although it feels far from actually being alone) with only my possibly somewhat irritated neighbors listening to the notes and vocal sounds - it is something I seem to be fortunate enough to experience on a somewhat consistent level - especially when the weather allows me enough warmth and daylight to be outside without freezing off my fingers.

It is hard to diminish an experience that happens on any regular frequency, but I guess I have gotten somewhat used to it. To get "there" is never something entirely within my control. Certain things help - a full night's sleep, the weather conditions - a breeze, a sunset - always nice - when it is too hot out it can be a distraction just as much as it can be if it is too cold - but even when everything seems to be just right there are other things that can get in the way. Having the onset of a cold coming on last night seemed to distract when I gave up in futility, but then again that same cold was here this morning and then there I was - right there - so it just goes to show - you don't ever know - (so to speak and to borrow famous words) how it is going to arrive or when because there is a certain surrender involved that is almost like catching a wave - and the wave has to be there to begin with and the wave is the ocean of creativity, nurturing, love, inspiration, happiness - everything I associate with my conception of the term God. And I shouldn't necessarily see it as a failure if I try and fail to arrive, it's more like - okay - try it again later because there is the faith there that at some point it is bound to hit.

But I guess what stands out about this particular experience is that it happened with one of my best friends. John from UCSD - who I have been in touch with for many years, is one of my readers here - who actually takes the time to convert my shabby 4 track recordings - out of tune notes, hissing, mistakes and all - from cassette to CD which allows me to listen to them when I am driving - this legend of a human being - was present. I have named them before - the folks I have known for 20-25 years - who seem to me more of my family than the family I was born into - because I have had regular contact with them, shared my soul with them, had psychedelic experiences where the bare-ass raw naked revealed essence of my being was exposed to them - and you form a bond that you can't ever have even with your own brothers and sisters, especially considering that my family is very guarded and poised around each other - and they never seem to let it hang out. This clearly is my observation - and the last time I saw them all it seemed to be clearly reinforced. Then again - who knows - maybe every time I turn away they are all very open when I am gone, but somehow I doubt this. So I have named them before - the 5 that come to mind - Joe, John, Youndy, Kirk, and Rich - are the 5 I have this connection with - and I somehow doubt I will ever find anything like this with anyone else - with the obvious exception of my new family - that consisting of my wife and daughter - who have seen me at my best and worst as well and have been my almost constant companions throughout the last 10 plus years of my life.

The background was I had to spend a week working in Salt Lake. The drive out there on Highway 80 is one boring ass drive - featuring such scenic highlights as Battle Mountain, Winnemucca, Elko, Lovelock, and at the border between Nevada and Utah - Wendover (also affectionately referred to as Bendover by some). I'll take it over Highway 50 which features one lane all the way, and no public bathrooms for a 230 mile stretch, but it still gets old. Seeing that my daughter was pretty upset still over the parting with her aunt - who just recently had come to visit - it didn't seem like the best time to go, but hell - my company feeds us, allows us to have a house and live somewhat comfortably. My sister in law lives in a farm area called Watsonville and they are slowly all killing themselves from exhaustion working 16 to 20 hours a day 7 days a week doing impossibly demanding work for next to no money. So relatively speaking, how can I really complain. I did have to leave on a Sunday, and in seeing John - extend my visit one more day - coming back on Friday instead of Saturday (okay - switch that around - Saturday instead of Friday). It might seem like just one more day, but by the time Friday came around I found myself in the morning saying why the hell am I doing this when I could just be heading home today. John was late in arriving - which meant 6:00 PM turned to 7:30 PM for the time I showed up to meet him at his friend's house. And at the beginning of the visit they were whipping out the wine and beer (I was the one non-drinker) and they were giving us the "grand tour" of their nice two level house (the bottom level being a basement) and their spacious yard. Somehow every time I get the grand tour I always feel like I am in the middle of a dick size contest - hey - look how big mine is. So those same thoughts returned to me from the morning - what the hell am I doing here, and why did I extend my visit for this when I could be back home already. It seems to me like the dick size contest is another version of jacking off, and to quote Jerry Garcia along the same lines - he once said something like we came here to fuck.

So - at some point when they were all eating (I passed the time before in between stops already stopping at a steak joint in the Ogden area - pretty cheesy but good enough) when I was full - I decided it was time to "whip it out" so to speak. The dude had 2 Takamine guitars, better in quality than the one I brought along, so I started by grabbing one - asking permission of course first - and noodling away. My noodling is basically finding a comfortable chord with a few accompanying scale notes - and finding what seems to get me ready for that zone appearance. The notes may be simple - I like to think any idiot with half a brain can do what I do musically because I keep it very simple - but the point is not to show off - because getting back to the dick size contest, that is not what music is about to me. My friend Rich can run me around in circles and make me look downright retarded musically, but that does not take away from what I experience when I get into the zone. I just keep it simple - and that is what works for me. So as I was noodling - trying to be somewhat inconspicuous as my friends were eating, I heard John's wife Mary asked me if I had written what I was playing - which I had to think about at first for a second - kind of come back into reality - and I told her something like - oh this? I'm just pulling this out of my ass. Which was another way of saying I was just noodling.

So the guy who lives there and owns the guitars is named Shane and he also knows a lot of Grateful Dead - so it is a pretty good set up - I am basically going to play the songs and he is going to follow with the lead notes. So I start out with Cassidy - as the "fare thee well let your life proceed by it's own design - nothing to tell now, let the words be yours I am done with mine" portion has been something I have used as a healing mantra to think of my departed greater family ever since I saw them last in July - kind of a quiet surrender to realizing they are living their lives, I am living mine and the paths are clearly never going to be crossing again on any type of real level. Even when we are around each other, we aren't really there - our hearts aren't in it - and singing that song is kind of to me the way of just surrendering to the inevitable notion that it's just the way it is - it is nobody's fault really, it's just karma, fate and something bigger than anyone of us. So naturally I think about this as I am singing this song, and I notice the remaining three at the table, Shane's wife, John and his wife Mary appear to be focusing on the energy - especially the two females who haven't heard me sing as far as I know (John has heard me for years so he is somewhat used to me). You never quite know what effect your playing is having on others - if people are just kissing your ass and saying they like it because they feel that is what they are supposed to be doing - but in this particularly setting I feel like I am making a connection with them and that always feels good. At some point the two ladies went back inside, and I dedicated "Wharf Rat" to all the drinking going on. Normally I am pretty low key with my voice when I sing this out in my yard, but hell - it's their neighbors - not mine - so I sang out the " I know that my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiffe" part with full force - knowing my vocal cords will probably be retaliating the next couple days - and then as the sun slowly started sinking it was quite natural to transition into songs like the Beatles "Tomorrow Never Knows" - Turn off your mind relax and float downstream - which may look like familiar lines (try the top of this blog) as these simple lines written by John Lennon (no disrespect to Paul, but his name on the songwriting credits are nothing but a technicality) - to me are some of the most profound statements ever expressed in a popular song, and the very essence of the "zone" state I describe here so much. So it's getting darker as we have a great view of the mountains that as far as I know are some of the ski range near Park City - although I could be wrong - but Dark Star is a natural fit. The two ladies come back outside and want to hear one of my own compositions, but as we are fortunate enough to get to see an incredible view of the moon bursting over the mountain range - similar to what I get to see at home - with the main difference - these mountains are more vertical, jagged and pointy, whereas ours at home melt into the earth slowly like a voluptuous human female breast - but it is still the same idea - and seeing that glow behind them, followed by that first tip of light - will always be one of the most incredible experiences of nature I will ever know. That was supposed to be a sentence. Oh well - but what I am getting at is I have to play a moon song and one of my favorite Grateful Dead songs is "Mountains of the Moon" and it all seems to fit in with this incredible view of the bright moon bursting out with such a cosmic heavenly light that just seems to pour right into one's consciousness. So I obliged in playing one of my own songs right after this - the one mentioned before "There is Only Love" and maybe because this is "my" song I am a little self-conscious, but in that zone state (I am singing mostly with my eyes closed) several things come to me as I am singing what may be the most profound song I have written. First of all - I know I am being watched. Second - I get the feeling there is a response on the other side - like I am reaching the people watching me. Third - they are listening to me singing and playing my song - but fourth and most importantly - it has nothing to do with me at all. It is kind of like I am the conduit for this burst of incredible energy. It is coming through me, but I am just a vehicle for it - like the antenna of a radio that allows the music to come out that is already there - the radio is not playing it, it is just picking it up. It is almost like being on automatic. These are not my words really - and really they are borrowed from many different sources - books and philosophies I have been exposed to over time - I put them together in a way that made sense to me - but really how can I take credit for such profound wisdom that has been passed on from century to century for who knows how long. The chords are basic - somewhat borrowed - at least in part from the Grateful Dead's Morning Dew cover. So in this state I realize - not only is this not really my song - but as I observe others watching me in this zone state - I detach myself from it - my voice and fingers are on automatic - I am watching it too - and then who is actually doing this? If I am not playing - if I am not writing who is? But to me that is the essence of being in the zone - when it happens it is going through you and it is not about ego - it is about surrender - it is about becoming one with something much greater than myself or anyone - really it is being one with God because this force is coming through me and I am just letting it happen. It is like this ball of fire is being spit out - slowly - through my fingertips and voice and I may be the center of it - as it is coming through me - but that does not mean it is me - because I can't make it happen if it is not meant to happen. So this is a long song - it goes on for about 10 minutes - and then we have completely lost track of time because it is 10:00 PM, the neighbor has dramatically slammed the window as if to say - okay guys - enough is enough. I know Shane also played one of his songs outside before this, and I noodled my way through that. Then we went inside - I did a couple more of my own (Cheese and Today) , Shane did one of his - I stumbled through "Crazy Fingers" and by the time I picked out Bob Dylan's - I Shall Be Released to finish it was already midnight, I was on my second wind but exhausted - said my goodbyes - drove back to the hotel, slept like shit, and then had a horrendous journey back home, covering the near 550 miles through 90 plus degree desert heat pulling over to sleep for 10 minute spurts three different times - and feeling like it was one of the longest drives ever.

But still - worth it - even though it takes me about 2 days to recover from the drive back and staying up late. Just as it is worth it to do the monthly drum circles in town here - because even if I can get there by myself, it is important to try to get there in some kind of community setting as well. These people - who were basically strangers before I showed up - shared something with me and now I already have a bond with them - even though they are friends of friends so to speak - because of what we shared. Music is the most powerful spiritual force I have ever come across - and it is amazing that it can be experienced at its full height just sitting in my lawn chair in my backyard with my faithful dog by my side, or with a group of friends, or in an a stadium full of 50,000 or more people. That is what it amazing about it - it can work on any level. As I told Mary that night, this is my religion. It is not what I picked up in any religious building - such as any church or synagogue I have ever been to. I can respect those places may work for some, but they have never done it for me. My problem with the Judeo-Christian religions is that they are looking back to something that happened thousands of years ago. As far as I am concerned - open up your eyes - and you can see it is happening every day - right now. That's why I keep on getting out there - with my voice, drum, and guitar - that's why I am writing about it now. This experience I described from 9 days ago didn't stop. It lives on for me. It lived on when I drove back. I don't miss any of them now because they are all still with me. A musical experience has no start and no end - it is infinite - it goes on forever. Music and the expression of it - as I said in one of my recent tunes - will always be my path to God.

Unstuck

Book review time - and I haven't even finished Unstuck by Dr. James Gordon, but I am probably about half way through it. Victoria and I were listening to Science Friday on NPR and there was one guy - Dr. Gordon who seemed to have a pretty revolutionary approach to treating depression, and then there was the drug company cock-sucking whore who was countering him every step of the way and saying that pills were the answer to everything. For anyone who hasn't heard this already, this subject hits home for me. Back when I was on the verge of death - having been from one bipolar extreme to the other, a miraculous discovery was made by the people treating me and caring for me - I had a CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. That's all! Nothing involving my spirit, my lifestyle, who I was, how I was raised, any of those small trivial details. It was just like catching a fucking cold! But instead of taking Nyquil to get better, all I had to do was take what the doctor ordered, and then I would be back to normal. And even as fucked up as I was, I knew on some level that this was wrong - because I trust my intuition - even in a messed up depression state - I seem to know when I am being sold down the river. The doctor told me to take my little pills, so like a good dog I did just that. So after X amount of time playing along with the game, I just stopped taking it. For a while I tried to look like I was taking it to appease everyone, until I passed out in a doctor's office while they were drawing my blood (they have to monitor your levels for lithium with blood tests) after being hung over from drinking with my college buddies the night before. There is nothing like coming to on the floor with a nice big puddle in your pants that you just created. So at some point I said fuck this shit - and I stopped taking it. And guess what - NOTHING HAPPENED. And 20 years later guess what - NOTHING HAS STILL HAPPENED.

But what has happened is I am not the same person who I was back then. My lifestyle has changed dramatically since then. I learned that getting in touch with my spirit was literally a matter of life or death. I was spiritually dead at age 20, so it was no wonder that I wanted to FUCKING SLASH MY WRISTS AND KILL MYSELF! Really - at that point in my life, that made more sense than anything else. But what I was dealing with was infinitely more complicated than just popping a pill. And it didn't happen overnight - but slowly but surely a spirit began to emerge from the wastelands of my unconscious soul, and it is now something that I have to continue to cultivate and take care of. I have to watch what I eat, get my cardio and hour of exercise in every day, I have spent 25 plus years exploring my music, singing, guitar playing, and writing and at some point I finally hit something in the ground because now there it is - the spiritual gold mine I was searching for. It took a lot of hard work - psychological work, facing the inner demons, even a few acid trips that took me to the depths of my fears, but somewhere along the way I realized that medication was not the answer. The answer(s) were a combination of getting to know myself, love myself, and make the changes I needed to make to get out of this spiritual void. The people I am with make a difference in my life too. My judgemental caretakers may think my wife is the fucking anti-Christ (even if they aren't Christian) but the reality is even if you think of her as some fucking free-loading parasitical fatass Mexican bitch who stole your royalty prince of a son from you - a lot of my happiness comes from my marriage. Marriage is hard work - you get into it on some level as an escape from yourself, and then at some point your staring right up your own ass as you land right in the middle of everything you thought you were running away from to begin with. I am not saying it's easy, but at the same time at some point it starts to come together and it does add to your life. My wife and my daughter have given me all sorts of avenues to my spirit that I never thought I would have. So long story short with my life - when I read a book that was standing up to the evil empire of drug companies - shamelessly pimping their goods and spending billions of dollars gobbling up TV time and buying off health care professionals in the process - to promote toxic products which not only have horrible side effects, but can actually make you worse off than you started - I thought halla fucking lulyah it's about time!

It seems to be in the collective consciousness - medication - medication - if you are feeling down - take a pill! And before my daughter was born, and I had a little mini depression going - I thought oh well - I'll give it a try. I took some SSRI - either Paxil or Zoloft - to feel better and after 5 days I was hiding naked in the shower feeling anxious, hopeless, and terrified all over again and finally I thought - hell - if this shit is making me feel like this, I'd rather just be miserable all my life. And I still hear it - even from a recent counselor who saw us for marriage assistance - she said she still thinks I exhibit biploar behavior and recommended me for - guess what - MEDICATION! And hell maybe there is something to bipolar behavior - whatever the hell that means - I do have ups and downs - even still. Not to the point like I was in college where I was getting by on 2 hours or less of sleep and babbling away, running into traffic screaming, and carrying on like a complete madman - but I do have some highs and lows going. Even still - I am incredibly grounded because I have been in the insurance industry almost 20 years now, 18 with my first company and almost 2 with my last, and I am the go to guy - I am the guy who is going to get it down (done) - and everyone in charge of me always seems to find that out. I am as stable as they come - in the workforce anyways. Sure I may meltdown from time to time, freak out, get angry, or go off on something that really isn't worth the energy I put into it. I am still recovering from this God forsaken cruise I was just on - and I may never recover from it entirely. But even so - I get by, I do my job, I take care of my family, my house isn't on the foreclosure list - so I must be doing something right. I may take an occasional supplement like St. John's Wort a few years ago, or SAM-E now, but for the most part - no pharmaceuticals and that's fine with me. The idea of taking anything that is not going to allow me to get it up is about as much of a deterrent as there can be.

So getting back to the book - Dr. Gordon say depression is a wake up call. It is a time for us to look at what's going on, and make the changes necessary to do that. When I got depressed, getting back to who I was before the depression wasn't the answer because it was who I was that made me depressed to begin with. There were toxic hateful forces that submerged themselves deep into my soul, and I had to slowly exorcise myself of them. I'm still doing it now - that parasite always seems to rear it's ugly head, but it's just not quite as much in charge as it once was. He also advocates diet, exercise and spiritual practices such as yoga and meditation. For me my music is both of those things, and I have been exercising pretty faithfully for years. The diet could always improve, but I'm drinking more water and trying to at least be conscious of what I eat. Sure I could stand to lose about 15-20 pounds, but I'm not going to flog myself to death over it either. So this really wasn't an actual book review, as much of my way of relating to a book and I hope this catches on. Why would something as complicated as a mind - a mind that consists of one's intellect, heart, soul and energy be reduced to something so crude as a "CHEMICAL IMBALANCE" so that medication would be pimped as the one and for all answer for everyone. Like Dr. Gordon says - as a last resort - only - it may be necessary and helpful in some circumstances. But in our society the evil pharmaceuticals shove it down our throat, often poisoning and killing us along the way. Dr. Gordon is the brave David taking on Goliath, and providing us with real solutions to something as complicated and devastating as depression. And believe me as someone who has been there - there's a lot more to it than just popping a fucking pill.

Don't seek the light - BE the light

I don't want to claim originality just because I am quoting my own line from my own song - as I am not the first to say it and I bet someone else already said it. Like my cheese song says - everything's been done before to be done again and again. Maybe I say it with one punctuation mark different. I claim nothing as my own as I am a product of the world around me, all 6 billion, including all who have come before and all who will pass. My wife may not like me after I read this to her, but as she has seen it as her job to tear me a new ass opening at times, obviously I am inclined to pay her back - even if it will completely sabotage any chance at sex - as I am doing this in a loving way and my intentions are good. Maybe she won't hit me as hard after I am done knowing that. Yeah - probably won't make a difference. I love you honey - you know it (I see her gritting her teeth).

I had a Shamanic experience yesterday. If that was it's all about, I am not sure how many more I want to have. But it is the best way of explaining it. A little background first - my sister Edie came to visit us - it was 3 days of sightseeing and pretty draining, but overall went about as well as a visit like this could go. My daughter got very attached, and when Edie left she was wailing, howling, crying, screaming - and this went on off and on for over a day. She was yelling at us in the car - it's only you two, nobody else - only you two and I am sick of it. My wife is always telling me how isolated we are. Of course hearing this she will tell me, that is the way it IS. Technicallhy speaking, it is hard to argue against. She started into it - once again - on our love seat in the living room in the afternoon. I did not resist, I did not argue - I just took in the world view being presented it to me. It came at me in a wave of desperation, depression and sadness. We are out here - we have no family - we have no connections. Our only friends are the Bergers and take a look at them - they are cold. I should have never left Chicago - I hate it out here - what a bunch of fucking rednecks - they are so closed off - they won't accept you if you aren't one of them - there are no services - what are we doing to our daughter - we are destroying her - this is not good for her. I took it all in and I couldn't say a thing. I just felt myself getting more and more depressed, sinking deeper and deeper. And she was right - all of these things were true - we are isolated and miserable, we are depressed - we are screwing up our daughter and it all seemed so hopeless. I started sinking into the mindset of the days when I thought suicide seemed like the best option and I was thinking why bother. Those families of mass murder suicide seemed to make sense in their own way and I almost found myself thinking - why live - what's the point. I sank and I sank. I finally had to walk away - I told her I can't hear this any more but the damage was done. I was stumbling around in a state of depressed delirium. I felt drugged. I had to summon all of my energy just to get in the car and go into the store. I was nodding off in a dream state in the car. It was all so hopeless - doomed - a no way out situation. At some point along the line I stepped back and said to myself "this is the voice of the parasite" - the one Don Miguel Ruiz describes in all of his books. I didn't condemn it - I just identified it. Yep - there it is - clear as day - it is telling me once again to end my life, no point in living - what a fuck up I am. And then somewhere else from far away I heard something else - a quiet voice behind the screaming voice of the parasite - very quietly and firmly say - no - don't believe it. And then - boom - it was gone. I came to - almost like a feeling of waking up - and then it was like snapping out of a spell.

I played some life affirming songs in the backyard later, went to bed early and now it is all clear to me. It's all true and it's all a lie at the same time. But what it comes down to is very simple. Like Ruiz says, it all comes down to darkness and light. We all need the light to survive. And if you look for the light in any place outside of yourself, you won't find it. My light was very dim when all this was happening, but I held on and now I have it back. My wife points out every time I read this that I am a fucking hypocrite - I am not the spiritual person I claim to be - I am not generous - I am cold, I am not out giving to the poor. True - true - true - Hell - I am just trying to keep us all afloat - the three of us, the two dogs, and now two cats that we have here. Am I a Hindu Guru or the Dalai Lama? Hell no - I am not. I claim to be nothing. I am everything you want to call me. Am I depressed? Yes. Am I neurotic - hell yes. Am I cold - yes - at times I am. Am I anxious - sometimes I am. Am I fearful - yes. Do I hoard out of fear of losing what I have? Yes - I am afraid of losing my house - I watch it - I don't have the money to donate. Could I be doing more than I am - yes. You want to call me a fraud? Go ahead. The only thing is - I don't claim to be anything other than a human being. I have faults - like just about everyone. The only thing is now I am not ashamed any more of what I am. I accept myself - everything - good and bad and I am what I am. But one thing I've learned that I didn't know 23 years ago when I was suicidal is that I can find it all in my heart and soul. It's all there to be claimed. I know how to claim it now - at times - and that is what gets me through all this. It is what gets me through the times at work when people see me as the evil insurance guy, the times I fight it out with the home repair contractors, the days I get up without any seeming trace of energy and have to drive all over the place and work up to 12 hours at times, it is what gets me through the marital difficulties, the problems with raising a demanding and difficult child - that light is what gets me through all of it - and to know and believe that in the face of how seemingly hopeless it all seems to be - EVERY LITTLE THING'S GONNA TO BE ALL RIGHT - anyway, just like Bob Marley says it will.

My beloved wife left Chicago - and her Queen Anne furniture - to be in a relationship with screaming red flags blaring at her. Everyone warned her not to go. She didn't listen. She decided that. Why I ask her? Because she wanted to be a part of something. Because as great as everything was there, it wasn't enough. She had a chance to say no. Didn't happen. When it fell apart she had a chance to return, but mother wasn't encouraging it and out of pride she could not go back. There were many chances to go back. When she was with me and it was getting ugly at times, but she has chosen to stay here. Even now she could go back if she wants to. But the first thing you have to accept is that you have some choice in your life for your destiny. She can blame Stuart, her mother, me - but the reality is some kind of karma brought her here for a reason. That is the first part of accepting responsibility. Stop the blaming. What good does it do? If this place is the living epitome of barren isolation, then you are a part of this karma and you are making it happen. Out here she is a part of a loving family, has Mexican students who see her as a providing mother, she has more out here than she has ever had in Chicago. But I know - it is not enough - and why?

Because nobody can do it for her. Nobody can do it for anybody. I am screaming at her practically to wake up and see the love and beauty around her. But she won't see it. All she sees are karmic mirror images of herself that she condemns. Our best friends out here - through lack of any competition really - she describes as miserable, cold people in denial - the man looks like a beggar. And yet she is also in a state of misery, and when it comes to other people she is a beggar - she is begging them for company, to take her away from herself, for a deep connection - for a bond - but as she begs she pushes away and finds fault with everybody who crosses her path. Guess what - WE ALL HAVE THEM - WE ARE ALL FUCKED UP! You want the perfect person to cross your path - well tell me - why would they want an emotional beggar in return? We met some people at a Meet UP who seemed really nice - I think she scared them half to death - told them that they were like family that we should do stuff together. They avoided us like the plague and then she seemed very disappointed. Well hell - if you see an emotional beggar who wants to take your emotional energy to make up for your own depleted energy, what are you going to do? You - like most people are going to RUN FOR THE HILLS.

But it is all perspective. See the way I see it nobody has anything to offer me. My wife - hopefully at times - will offer me physical comfort, but it is something I can also provide for myself. I have a very willing and experienced hand! Yes I am sorry - nature takes over - sometimes I want the real thing - and somehow or another maybe it happens, maybe it doesn't - but for the most part I see myself as the center of my own light. I cultivate my own light - like a farmer cultivating a garden - and then it is my light to share with you. We both have two different ways of experiencing our Berger friends. She says they are miserable, they are condescending, they talk down to her - and hell yes they are all those things. You want to buy into it - you want to believe you are a servant, they will treat you like one and you will be upset and offended. They have offended me before. They didn't let us use their house for a b-day party - I didn't like that. But hey - when I go over there I don't buy into any of it. I am the shining light and I own the place and they are lucky to have my energy. I shine in a place of darkness, but I don't let the darkness take me in. I feel at times people gravitate toward me when I am in this state. No they are not flocking to my house for dinner - it is more subtle - but I do sense it.

The other people we know - the Schrantz family - are users - they are trying to take from others - well isn't the light going on? When you are looking for others to fulfill your own desperate void, aren't you doing just that? Is it really a coincidence that all these people are the ones we know here? What are they trying to tell us? Do we condemn them for being who they are, or do we look into ourselves and see the side of our own selves that they bring about and look in rather than looking outside?

I see everything happens for a reason. Everything. Period. Where you are - where you go - the people who come into your life - they are all trying to tell you something. You can accept it or you can resist. Resisting is much harder. Everything becomes the enemy. Everything from the place you live to every person who comes into your life who you end up fighting with because they aren't getting it, they aren't seeing it the way you do, they don't agree with you politically, morally, they are wrong and Damn it - what is wrong with THEM! Everybody is bad - they are stupid, close-minded, selfish for not GETTING WITH THE PROGRAM! The world becomes your enemy and then it is me vs. the world. If only - if only they understood me - if only they were warmer - if only this was Chicago - if only my family understood me and did not see me as an outcast. And if you are looking for a good way to beat yourself up - try reversing the past - I should have gone back when I had the chance - that is always a win win - trying to change something that has already been done.

Call me crazy - I know you have - and I know you think I am - but I don't see myself as isolated. I feel connected to people. I have stopped expecting anything from my family. With my sister I wrote her a letter a few years ago - you betrayed me - you weren't there for me - I reached for you and you rejected me. But that is out of my system - as much as it can be now. I have no expectations any more. No coincidence that with that in mind she has finally come out to see us. I expect nothing because what can she give me anyways? I mine for the light - and it is within my heart - my own attachment to God through my own heart and soul. My family is with me in spirit - I don't feel like Edie ever left - her spirit is walking besides me, I think about Dan and Phil all the time, even my parents as evil as they can be - I think about them too. But they live in my heart - I don't need to see them, hear from them - have them here. I am in touch with humans in my heart, and I can never be alone. Ram Dass said it in one of his books - once you feel that, what are you going to do - hide in a bathroom? Where can you hide? Yet conversely - when you tell yourself over and over how isolated you are, how can you be anything other than that and then coincidentally - end up in a physical and mental spot that is the caricature representation of isolation? Well there is the Law of Attraction for you - I am soooo isolated - then wham - that is your life - nothing but isolation. You start to feel connected - and then you can be living in a one horse town in the middle of nowhere, and you won't feel the slightest feeling of it. Because it is all perspective. What you believe happens, and what happens is what you believe.

Do I have the answer for you - my beloved wife? No - I pray and hope all the time that the light - no pun intended - will turn on. But until then - all I can do is what I am doing - and put out all the positive energy I can. I am not a perfect Dad, but I love my daughter. I am not a perfect husband, but I love my wife. I am who I am. I am not who you want me to be. I have my needs and desires and I need the light to keep shining. I will do the best I can. And I will be the light. If I keep on focusing - I will be the light.

I can tell by the mark he left you were in his dream

I have seen where the wolf has slept by the silver stream.
I can tell by the mark he left you were in his dream.
Ah, child of countless trees
Ah, child of boundless seas.
What you are, what you're meant to be
Speaks his name, though you were born to me,
Born to me,
Cassidy...

Words by John Barlow

I had a profound dream last night that spoke to me on many levels. It was about me - it was about my brother - it was about me and my brother. I was back at my parent's house in the downstairs family room. He had just cut himself to death - something I had once flirted with doing myself many years ago. He had succeeded though - he had passed on. My daughter Sara was very sad - and she was crying. Although I sensed a feeling of sadness in the air, I also distinctly remember feeling a sense of peace - knowing that he had arrived to where he needed to be.