What is and what should never be

The trip that I dreaded and avoided for about 8 years is about to end. I jumped on a grenade – so to speak – for my daughter Sara. This trip gave her a chance to see her Uncle Phil and Aunt Vickie, a chance to experience the magic of Disneyland, and a chance to see where I grew up and spend time with her grandparents, despite all the recent documented tension that has transpired involving them.

I somehow imagined that the place I once referred to as a “dungeon” – as it was an emotional dungeon for me – would bring up feelings of melancholy and gloom when I was here. My Dad made mocking reference to my term when I was here. My daughter later thought it was a very apt term to describe this house. Inevitably those sad feelings did arise, but when I had my guitar in the backyard I was able to experience the peaceful spirit I have gotten to know in Nevada – so the gloom has not been the only thing I felt here. This place – to be blunt – still feels like a dungeon. It feels neglected, abandoned – smells like mold, there are cracks everywhere, the drapes look outdated and appear to be their accurate age of possibly 30 to 40 years old. The folks put all their funds and efforts into travel the way I once did with my Grateful Dead excursions – maybe that is the way I can relate to it a little. But it still feels like a gloomy spiritual void, and to be honest all of Palos Verdes feels like that to me. The massive million dollar houses remind me of Viagra – they produce these trophy like massive extended hard-ons so that their occupants can say – wow – look how big mine is – but underneath it all that same gloomy emptiness seems to be apparent. “Suffering in the midst of plenty” as Ram Daas puts it in his book. I grew up in a spiritual void, and more than the emotional assaults I endured from my parents (my intuition tells me I was injured here – this I believe to be true) – I think that this void was what really brought me to the edges of my despair. If I had something – ANYTHING – to believe in, it would have been a huge help. The authors of the aforementioned song – Led Zeppelin – among other childhood idols, were the closest thing I had to any depth of experience. My first concert during my 8th grade year – to see my beloved Cheap Trick – will always stand out in my memory. As a kid I lived for the Dodgers, and these live experiences I have my brother to thank for, regardless of whether or not they were funded by my absent Cats in The Cradle father. So maybe there were some glimmers of hope in my childhood – and I must not forget my dog either. But overall – what an overwhelming void of spiritual emptiness I am reminded of every time I walk into this house.

I look back in my high school year book and I see a picture of a beautiful girl named Tracy Bergin – and she is my biggest regret of my life. My first love, a girl named Cathy – at least I found a way after 1,000 times before trying to pick up the phone and in a shaking pathetic voice ask her to a dance, only to hear her tell me no. Maybe I was too shattered to try again. But Tracy who was in my PE class clearly liked me. She asked me to help her with her football flag belt and I was a stuttering idiot in response. I was able to dance with her a few times at the high school dances, but I could not bring myself to go further. Looking at her picture, I suspect our personality differences might have been an obstacle. But even so – I needed so much to experience some affection and even if it had all gone south it would have possibly steered me in the right direction with women. And yet – one thing I realize – is no matter how much I may want something in the past to be different, the past is what it is – there is what is, and then what can never be as the song says – and part of accepting yourself is accepting your past along with yourself. I never did ask her out. I never did find out where there was to go with her. She seemed very disappointed at my failure to do this, but hell – if I couldn’t save myself, how could I save her either? I was a fucking mess with not even an ounce of confidence in myself. It is what it is – it was what it was. Swallow it and move on. I see these pictures in my yearbook and I have only stayed remotely in touch with one of my classmates. I have never gone to any reunions and have no desire or interest to find out what happened to any of them. It is a part of my life I would like to forget, but coming here it is hard to forget it. Maybe that is why I had to ultimately make the pilgrimage back here – those years I spent here are a part of me – even if they are a part of me I would like to distance myself from. It is the part of me that hated myself for my inability to ask Tracy out, hated myself for coming back home from college due to my depression – I hated myself for so many reasons. Now I am spending the rest of my life trying to love myself. I try and succeed at times, fail at others, but I am winning the battle a lot more now than I used to.

As far as my parents go, there is that awkward cold silence that comes up at times, like when Sara brought up the cruise or Victoria called us eating at the restaurant. They still seem to treat me like the lunatic fresh out of the asylum. Maybe it is easier to see me that way rather than to see themselves that way. The way I see it, we are all in the same institution. Even so – you can talk so much about the weather, physical events, school – but at the same time you can’t really talk about anything with them. It is very limited and almost makes you wish you were alone with your thoughts. I always wonder how to answer the question do I love them. Sometimes I think I love them on principle just because they are my parents and I am supposed to. I do not love their actions or ways of dealing with other people – especially my wife. I do not think either one of them has the slightest amount of spiritual depth. They are both very intelligent and can zero in on the slightest detail, but the big picture seems to elude them. I do not envy either on of them, and though I realize they will both be a part of my personality, like it or not, I am proud to say I believe through some miracle I am more than either of them will ever be in terms of my depth and creativity. It is not something you can physically measure, but I know it is there in me and absent in them. I wish it were not the case – I wish I could share it with them, but I can’t. They are who they are and in some ways I believe their own passing may be the best they can hope for. I just don’t see how they can live the way they do. Yet they do – and it is not my place to judge them. They will meet their karma as I will meet mine. It is not my place to say what, when, and where awaits them. I just thank God I have gone a little further in my psychological growth, even if their neurotic finger prints are all over my personality.

Over all – I survived the test, I can’t wait to get the hell away from superficial materialistic Southern California, and I think getting out was the best thing that ever happened to me. It is not perfection where I live necessarily, but I feel like I can breathe there, both literally and metaphorically. I am grateful to Phil, Vickie and Youndy who made this trip somewhat bearable (not just saying that to kiss your asses since I know you all have a link here.) Even grateful for my folks for forking out the funds to bring us here and take us to Disneyland. I hope to leave some of my sadness here and bury it here where I experienced so much of it growing up and in my adolescence. I cannot change the emptiness, hurt, and sadness I felt growing up – but I can try to find some spirituality and peace in my remaining time I have here in this dimension. I believe something beautiful awaits in this life, possibly even in whatever else may follow in the next one. Leaving this place is like rising from the grave, and moving from death to life. It is nice to be alive, and to really experience life in a place of being alive. I know it can happen. 30 years ago I did not even believe any type of happiness at all was something I could experience. The fact that I can now is a miracle I will never fully understand, but I am grateful anyways.

When it seems like the night will last forever

Maybe a foreshadowing of the winter season slowly waiting to make its arrival with the last days of summer upon us slowly approaching fall, but kind of a melancholy soaked weekend for me with no real explanation for it that comes to mind other than just that - an awareness of the inevitable change in seasons and loss of daylight hours. A time to meditate on how to deal with grief and sadness as they are inevitable feelings for me. I was out in the backyard hitting on an Am into Bm in open position and came up with some ramblings which I am trying to remember here to the best that I can.

Mantra theme - It's gonna go away

I am outside with a heavy heart, tears fill my eyes in this all too familiar part
Grief paints the day like a darkened paintbrush, looking for love but I can't seem to get enough
Everything I once felt is still with me, my soul hasn't left it is still a part of me
God is till here, Godess is still here, my love is still here, my faith is still here
What I feel now will not last forever, it is going to pass on like the stormy weather
Like the change in the wind, like the change in the seasons
Like the change of emotions, change from happy to grieving
It's all a part of this vast ocean soul, adjusting the sails to this dark, empty hole
The tears in my eyes like a gallon of water that my soul drinks down to quench a thirsty hunger
To feel all the feelings I need to be feeling, to deal with emotions I need to be dealing with
I need to be happy, but I need to be sad, I need to cry now just like I need to be glad
It's all a part of miracles of emotion, to know my self in surrendur devotion
To see the ying and yang of the entire picture, feel the strength of my heart when it's under water
To allow myself to cry, to tell myself it's all okay, feel the light in the tunnel at the end of the day
Life and death different sides of the coin of the one, the grief will end though only now just begun
I can float to the land if I believe in my spirit, it is with me now though I can't see and hear it
Gotta keep on believing, when the light is dim, moving on when I forget how to push, how to swim
It is going to pass, it is going to part, I'll return to that beautiful place inside my heart
I'm allowed to grieve, I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to question, I'm allowed to ask why
But I don't need the answer that I'll never have, I don't need to know why I'm now feeling sad
I just breathe out and surrendur in this refuge of sod, I can see different faces in the one head of God
I can still see the wonder with the tears in my eye, I can still see the beauty of the deep blue sky
I can still know the great spirit is here with me now, when I look up to see those thin hazy white clouds
Cus I still belive, though I don't feel like believing, I still am happy, though right now I am grieving
This change in my spirits - lasting hours or days, but it doesn't mean that faith has to go away
I still love you, I still need to be loved, I still feel the spirits in the heavens above
I can cry, I can mourn, I can sleep through the day, till I reach the place where it all goes away
This is the time to take extra care, of my needs, of my soul, of the feelings I wear
On my sleeve, on my face, in my heart, in my head, I surrendur to death, but I don't need to be dead
It is all life now and I know I am okay, I know there is refuge at the end of the day
In my dreams, in my heart, in my songs, my guitar - in my healing place to live out unhealed scars
I still believe in you my beautiful one, I still know another song waits to be sung
I still can say the things I need to say, I still know I have my spirit, soul and my faith
I feel it now, but it's gonna go away, I feel it now but it's gonna go away
I feel it now, but it's gonna go away, I feel it now but it's gonna go away.....

In your hand you hold your only friend, never spend your guitar or your pen

Take two at writing this - a very long writing so if you want to read the whole thing give yourself some time.... - I am one song away from finishing up my latest batch of songs I have prepared to be transposed onto CD by one of my best friends in Montana. All of these songs came from this year - 2007. All of these songs seem to really say something and are songs I can see myself singing and playing for years. Although Santa Clause lusting for the children sitting on his lap and Christmas in Hell might have been twisted inspirations when I was in college, I don't have much use for these songs now. Now I am focused on the songs that will serve as mantras for my guitar-music-singing sessions that serve as my meditation - but actually go beyond that - they inspire me to live my life and not sink back into the despair I once faced that almost did me in years ago. I don't necessarily know how the creative process works - it is usually a passive, not an active process. Some times it feels like tuning into a voice like a radio station - a voice that comes from the unconscious, maybe it even feels like a spirit's voice at time - the reality is I don't know where exactly it comes from, other than for the most part it has an other than me feeling to it - something outside of my ego. Creativity is a surrender and listening process in my opinion - I can't make it happen, I just have to allow it to happen. This has been a tough year - financially, with the challenges of my family and marriage - growing into a new job, and dealing with all my past baggage and issues on top of that. It may have been a tough year so far, but it has also yielded some of my favorite writings as well. I can't help think there is a connection there. I may not be able to afford a trip to Bali like one of my buddies can, but I have been traveling many places within the depth of my mind and spirit. So let's start from the beginning

1) There's only love:

Don't seek the love - be the love

Be the wind, be the air, be the rays, shining down from above

Don't seek the light - be the light

Shine on others, seeking light, be their friend, be a love, be a (love)light

Don't chase your dreams, be your dreams

When life is pain, (rise above,) it is more than it seems

Don't be the pain, be gentle sweet flowing rain

Be the quenching soothing water, there is more, than your feelings, than this plane

(Chorus)

There's no fear, there's no hate - there's only love

There's no need, there's no hunger - there's only love

There's no sickness, there's no pain - there's only love

No separation, no distance - there's only love

Don't chase the desire, when you can go higher

Be the loving warmth you seek, be the sun, be the heat, be the fire

Don't resist fate, embrace the karma, free yourself from hate

Don't anticipate, what's now here, you got it now, you don't have to wait

Don't seek faith, doubt is illusion, become your faith

Be your spirit, be your god, be your goddess, be your lover, be your faith

Don't seek your soul, be your soul

Surrender to the darkness, to the light, lose the fear to lose control

This song's inspiration has come from so many different places it is hard to know where to start. The idea of being something else outside of you - in Liberty by the Grateful Dead "If I were the sun, I'd look for the shade" or Michael Franti's What I Be "If I could be the rain I'd wash away the whole world's pain" is a start. It also comes from a Ram Daas book where he said what Jesus meant by prayer moving mountains is that you become the mountain and move with it when you move yourself. Alan Watts talks about the illusion of separation - when we focus on our ego. Ultimately it is the idea that we are one with the world - not separate from it. The mountain may look or appear separate, but it is part of our experience and it is part of us. The notion we are one with or in unison with the world around us is much healthier than the isolated me vs. the world conquer and destroy to survive outlook. Also this song is to be approached from a meditative view. "Be the sun - be the wind - be the air" - feel connected to and part of these things, even though scientifically speaking they can be considered separate, they are also interactive - we share the molecules and atoms with the air and wind around us. The song started with the notion of don't seek the love be the love which kind of sets the tone for the entire recording. My whole life I have looked for a love in a world where love was hard to find. I certainly did not get enough love from my parents - even if they tried in their own way. No matter how wonderful my wife is, she cannot fill the overwhelming depth of need and love that seems to have consumed my life. It is my task to become one with the love I have always sought, and when I believe that I am one with love, than the world reflects my inner view and becomes a loving place. When I believe that I need to seek love outside of me, than I feel like I am chasing something unobtainable and the world becomes a very cold and unforgiving place. In meditating on the unification of love within myself, I make the change happen instead of hoping it happens to me through forces outside of myself I have no control over. Feeling like I am one with love is in comparison feeling like I am one with the earth and surroundings. "Be the loving warmth you seek, be the sun be the heat be the fire" - in other words, when I start with the line about don't chase desire - I am saying there is nothing to chase if the world of my desires is already obtained - it does not need to be obtained. If the peaceful ecstatic feeling I get after sex for example - can be bypassed altogether through spirit and meditation, then it is no longer a life or death imperative that I have sex. Don't get me wrong - I am not going to turn down an offer! But it is more of a feeling like I will be thankful for it when it happens, but my life is not going to revolve around it either, because there is more than one way to get to that peaceful joyous feeling. (All masturbation references aside). What I am saying is to imagine that peaceful beautiful place, become one with that place through song, music, meditation eliminates the feeling like it has to happen through one way - sex for example. And when that can be obtained, sex is more of a joy when it does happen, and it is not the end of the world if it doesn't happen at all. At the chorus I say there's no hunger, sickness, pain - and clearly I know these things do in fact exist. It is not a denial of their existence. Again - it is a meditative song - it is really saying - yes these things do exist, but they exist as much as we let them. Unfortunately there is hunger in the world, but there is also an inner hunger - more the hunger I am referring to. There is sickness and pain as well, but upon accepting these things as inevitable factors of life, they are no longer bad things to be afraid of, just parts of life to allow when they do happen. I would sing the song at times when my groin pain was absolutely unbearable, and yet in singing it - it seemed a little easier to take. In a Deepak Chokra book Life After Death a man was pronounced dead and came back to write about his experience and he saw that love was the driving force of the universe, and ultimately there was no evil - just a feeling that love was not there enough to allow people to commit what may be considered evil acts. So even in hate, it is really a feeling of not enough love. Ultimately it all comes down to love - which is how I finally arrived at the title line of There's Only Love. Ironically I wrote "There is No Love" almost 20 years ago - quite a difference. Still in the first song - the type of love I was chasing - love outside of myself - I was right to a degree - you cannot find it outside of yourself if it is not inside of you first - I really believe that. So really "There is No Love" ultimately gravitated in a strange way to "There's Only Love" - which is a different way of stating what was originally stated 20 years back. So long story short - a lot of recycled ideas, but for me a beautiful mantra in helping me feel connected positively to love and the world around me. Musically it is my favorite D chord with the open high string that I have turned to so many times - it is almost my chord mantra that has worked the best for me.

2) My Sweet Love

Come now too me my sweet love

Nurturing love, beautiful love

Open up your loving sensual arms

Massage me with them, caress me with them (nurse me with your breast)

You know how much I'm hurting now my love

I've sought you out in others who couldn't provide you, my love

Heal this broken bleeding heart my love

Let me float inside your belly - my sweet love

Come now too me my sweet love

Unconditional love, all accepting love

Take me just the way that I am

Don't ask me to change, or even to explain - my love

You know how much I need you now my love

Appear to me this moment, right now - love

Fill my heart with soothing, calming medicine

Let me merge together with you my love

Be now here with me my love

Fill my lips with the sweetest, soothing kiss

Come and cry with me my love

Let our pain become one, our souls - become one

Now's the time to hold each other love

And to drown out all our sorrows in our love

Please don't ever leave me my sweet love

Come to me love, be with me now my love

Hold me now forever my sweet love

This is a love song, but not a traditional one. It is an inner dialogue with love - or in my case a male having a dialogue with his inner femine "anima" in Jung terms, but it is not a song addressed to a real live human being, although definitely inspired by many real life females. It goes a little more into depth of exploring the "be the love" in my first song. I imagine a beautiful, loving Goddess spirit - maybe she is inside my heart, maybe she is a real life being that exists in the spirit world - who is to say - but I imagine this being as the one who can heal all my wounds and suffering that may have come about through real life dealings - starting with my mother, but also other rejecting females in my life - and there are times every woman I have ever intimately known becomes that rejecting woman. It is a way of again making happen on the inside, what cannot happen on the outside. It is an expression and acknowledgement of the hurt and pain I experience in relationships, but a retreat to a loving healing place where all of that pain can be healed within. Turning to that retreat, embracing in its healing, being swallowed in its womb, gives me the strength to come back to the real life relationships. And ironically enough, going to this place enough makes the real life relationship better too - I am not placing this enormous burden upon my wife to heal me, instead I am choosing to heal myself. An entire Don Ruiz book "Mastery of Love" goes into this idea. I really believe it is the only way a relationship can work.

3) When Tomorrow Arrives -

Something inside me is crying right now, but something inside me it smiles

Something inside me is dying of grief now, but something else is bursting with life

The tears are washing down the river banks of the solid firm earth of my soul

As this moment passes the grief consumes me, tomorrow I'll be back in control

(Chorus) It's not a sickness, it's the healing in me

It cleanses and washes, let the truth set me free

I'm lying here watching, as these tears fill my eyes

But I know I 'll be ready when tomorrow arrives

You can lecture me say I should pop a pill, but I got medicine of my own

I'm setting the sails to the winds of my grief to the vast healing waves of my soul

Tonight it's as dark as a black night can be but the tunnel shows a faint distant light

You can save your worries and your deep concerns, cus I know I'm going to be all right

This is a song exploring overwhelming feelings of grief - which typically happens to me in the winter time when the song was written - and the "black night" refers to the long nights and short daylight hours which often triggers this. My high powered lamp does provide some relief, I can't always be around it enough though. This song is basically saying I am allowed to feel overwhelming grief and despair - bring it on - but tomorrow I got to get back to work and I am not going to let it paralyze me into a depression. I am not going to deny it, but I am not going to let it control me either. Sadness and grief is a part of life that does not have to be a paralyzing depression. Some take medication for this - for myself I believe the conscious mind has an amazing power if tapped into properly. This song says I am drawing the line - I can be a complete grieving basket case today, the world may feel like it is coming to an end, but underneath the pounding waves of grief and despair, my soul is strong and I am going to make it. When my depression first struck in college, I did not have that foundation and I was swept away. Back then I had a refuge to turn to, but now everyone is counting on me. I simply can't afford to be carried away by my emotions. So for a day or two have your way with me, but once Monday comes get out of my way - I got work to do, people to serve and a family to take care of. For me it works. I get depressed yes - and maybe my depression balances my potential manic feelings at time. I have made a conscious choice to not get carried away by either one. Medication is nothing but side effects and an assault on my body from my perspective. My spirit, my mind, my creativity - IS my medicine. Also when I say "something inside me it smiles" I am remembering there is a joyful side of my consciousness. Just because I don't feel it at the present moment, does not mean it isn't there. It is my way to remember it is still inside of me anyways.

4) Behind Me

(Chorus)

I know a brutal storm came through, but it's behind me

I've tried and failed to search for my soul, but it will find me

I've tried for years to capture my love, she's now inside me

I know you cannot see her face, but she's beside me

All I've ever needed is love sweet love

It's love that I'd never known

Fleeting and elusive as the holy Grail

But I found it in the dark ocean depths of my soul

I may be stumbling, lost and confused

Blindfolded as I reach out for the answer today

But the God, the Goddess, spirits of my ancestors

I believe they are lighting my way

I can't do it alone, but I don't have to

Tune into the music of my heart

Love is the question and love is the answer

It's the end middle and the start

But I know I can get there with a little help

Climb some steep cold mountains on the way

The struggle, exhaustion, frustration, despair

They are all in the past today

You know I know better than to freak out and panic

But I still do from time to time

Sometimes the strength of my fears is stronger than that of my faith

I still fall off that wagon sometimes

But once those fears try to rip up my faith

They will pass and my faith's going to win

But the cycle repeats, once again I'll be tested

Maybe some day it won't happen again

The darkness consumes, but the darkness passes,

All I need's just a little light

But even when those demons sabotage my head

I still know I'm going to get through that night

So here I am just a strumming away

Been to hell and back but I've survived

And even now as I stand here naked

I'm just grateful to be singing and alive

A lot of rehashed ideas here as well, but appropriate that this hopeful song follows the previous one about grief and despair. There is a sense of I have survived something very difficult but I am better off and stronger as a result now, and happier too in this song - kind of along the lines of "I can see clearly now the rain is gone". There is also a notion that the difficult times - although they have let up - will happen again, but I will be ready to face them until maybe some day I won't need to any more. The notion of fear vs. faith is here too - a battle between the neurotic feelings of hopelessness and doom vs. the faith of the spirit - and an acknowledgement that the battle is there, but faith is the stronger of the two forces in the battle. The "I know you cannot see her face but she is beside me" is a reference to the anima, and in the video I posted on line there was a mysterious light on my arm - even if some say was just a reflection - that seems to coincidentally back up this notion of an invisible but present presence. This song was unusual in that I heard the tune first and the words came second. The tune I heard was not ultimately the one that came out, but there was at least a resemblance. Usually the words come first.

5) A Prayer For You

May you learn to love yourself the way I love you

To adore and cherish you the way that I do

May you feel all the love that you give to others

Coming back to yourself, be your own loving mother

May you see the shining glow of the sunset skies

Is a mirror of the beauty that shines out from your eyes

May you see the glow that shines out from your skin

Is a reflection of the beauty of your spirit within

May you merge with the Goddess you continue to seek

Find her warm nurturing is within your reach

Breathe in and breathe out, all you have to do

You don’t have to find her, she’s already found you

May you listen to the message of the rabbits and birds

Feel the animal connection within their words

May the plants and the trees, the beauty of this land

Reflect the loving beauty coming from your own hands

May you learn to accept yourself the way that you are

You’ve come such a long way, you will still go so far

May you build a shield from others’ judgments of you

Know they just see themselves, when they judge its’ not you

May you make a truce with the pain from the past

Buried deep in a grave, it doesn’t have to last

When you free yourself from it, may you feel a re-birth

May you feel a connection with the sweet mother Earth

May you see that no-one else has the answer for you

Just the Goddess and the angel in the heart of you

May you breathe in and find they are there waiting for you

Close your eyes, embrace the loving magic in you

It’s for these thing that I will keep praying for you

To all the loving spirits that are surrounding you

For the miracle to happen however it does

For you to find in your heart the well of endless love

"Forever Young" by Dylan an obvious influence. I wrote this song with the immediate hope in my mind that my wife could participate and share in some of my feelings of inspiration. I know she has gone through a tough time in her life but I still feel like she has it in her and I often hope and pray that she can see the light behind so much of the darkness that engulfs her. I am a life time pessimist but recently converted optimist. If it is possible for me, it is possible for her - I believe we all have it in us. On a deeper level it is a way of continuing to inspire myself - I may be addressing her on one level, but I am also addressing myself. The other peoples judgments - immediate idea came from those peers of hers who expect our house to be clean and spotless - it is far from that with many apparent defects. It is lived in - trust me I have seen homes much worse than ours. My feeling is judge me all you want for the way I live, but that is your judgment - and who are you really judging when it comes down to it - me or your version of me, and ultimately yourself? Even when she speaks somewhat harshly of others judgements of me, I see it the same way. Ruiz talks about this extensively. She takes it very personally when other people judge the way we live - I just don't because I see more to myself than my immediate physical surroundings. Maybe that is a cultural difference. Part of the land images come from the desert rural surroundings that do provide a lot of images and references in the song. The main opening line is my simple statement that I do cherish and adore her, but that also comes from cherishing and adoring myself. I continue to hope she can learn to do the same, that we all can. The world around us would be so much better if we could. And of course - the reference of making a truce with the past has been an extensive focus of mine. I have many reasons to dwell on my past as it explains so much of who I am at the present. Still the more I can learn to let go of the past, the more present I am here now.

6) Don't Panic

Don't - don't panic - first words of the Hitch hiker's Guide---- (to the Galaxy anyways)

I know - you're feeling stuck now, but you'll make it to the other side

I know your head is pounding, exhaustion - nausea setting in

But you've got to let it go now, let it die so it can be reborn and begin

Just a stand back one stepTry to take a deep breath

Give it up now, and lay your head downYou're going to be all right

You're going to get through the fight (make it through the night)

Don't beat yourself up, bang your head against the wall

Give yourself a break now, deep down you know that it's not your fault

I know you're out to hurt yourself, you blame yourself time after time

Back off that hanging judge part, you haven't committed a crime

It's a hole you have dugJust fill it up with your love

The parole board has just arrived

You're going to be all right..

It's time to take a rest now, you've been going at it all day long

Time to unwind now, sing yourself a loving song

Listen and feel the love now, the love pouring into the air

You take your life so seriously, it's time now to not have a care

Love is the drugSo step into a hug And a kiss coming down from the sky

You're going to be all right...

Talked about this in and old blog post - I got into a state of panic when I couldn't get on line after a long day of driving for work. The more I tried, the worse it got - I was placed on hold, came up with one barrier after another - and I got so worked up about it, later to find out it all fixed itself that morning. My neurotic side panics and says I need an answer now. This is a plea from the deeper part of my soul to my neurosis to say back away and let go of it - in the end it will work out - hard to see it when caught up in the neurosis, but it has worked out before and will again no matter how impossibly frustrating it appears in the present moment. I tend to seize upon these opportunities as a way to beat myself up and blame myself for everything going on around me - my deeper soul pleads with me to be forgiving of myself, to be gentle with myself (and old Bruford song sung by Annette Peacock comes to mind) and to love myself instead. It makes so much sense when I think about it logically, but the panic self-hating neurotic side of me needs to be constantly reminded of it anyways. My mantra here "you're gonna be all right" like Bob Marley's every little thing is going to be all right, such simple words - but very powerful when sung mantra style.

7) The Witching Hour

This is the magical time when life in day mates with the black night death,

In sharp climactic heavy breaths of rainbow orange bursting out through the clouds

This is the beautiful time when the breeze flies out through the leaves

Creates an enchanted musical piece, with branches dancing, swinging out so loud

This is the spirit’s time when the faces born from visions dance and speak,

Bursting out from the rocks, the plants and the trees, imagination dreams becoming real

This is the innocent time, when the thoughts from the ghosts come alive, As they float toward the everlasting light, the time for broken hearts to mend and to heel

Now is the end of time when life and death meet up and collide, the groom embracing the spirit bride, walking hand in hand side by side

Now is the supernatural time when the coyotes and banshees wail and cry, the sounds sours through a black cloud in the sky, with the full moon pouring through the flowing tide

Now is the all knowing time, when one mind reaches out and connects, to each and every one of all of the rest, to feel a part of the highest of all powers

Now is the sweetest of times, the enchanted possessed and blessed bewitching, this is the everlasting witching – this is the witching hour

This is the passionate time when all providing love consumes the air, a sweet seductive goddess shining fair, is so close surrounding everywhere

This is the satisfying time when the dream emrges without from within, I feel her start to arise then begin, to make the healing love to my dry skin

This is the happiest of times, when every wishful longing dream comes true, all I really have to do, is to reach in, summon, connect till I find you

This is the wedding time, when the spirit meets the earthbound flesh, no fears or worries mind at rest - I know that as I pray here I am blessed

I have come to realize that the time of day right before and after the sunset is the time when I feel most spiritually connected, even sometimes feeling what could be considered rapture and great joy. Carlos Castaneda labeled it the gate between the worlds in the teachings of Don Juan. This is my tribute to that time, and the feeling that there is often a thin line between life and death. I feel that when I tap into these spirit feelings I am connecting both worlds together. There are more anima references here, also a feeling that the "wonders of nature" are all around me - I see faces coming out of the trees that seem so real and present that it seems the trees are spirits and living things that are present in their own magical way. It is a way of trying to capture in words some of the wonderful images and feelings that come from this time of day.

8) Song for Sara

Sara our sweet-heart, our beautiful love
Sara our gift from the heavens above
A glowing spirit like the moon in the sky
Believe in your spirit, you can soar you can fly

We love you so much, but you must love yourself
It comes first from you, alone and nobody else
Just say Sara I love you a few times a day
Don’t dwell upon others, who don’t see it your way

Some times life can be painful, but pain goes away
You won’t always feel, what you’re feeling today
It is just a small pain, everyone takes a fall
Believe it will pass, and you won’t feel it at all

The great spirit has blessed you, with a beautiful heart
A beautiful soul, a face a work of art
A playful spirit that lets you laugh, love sing
A warrior’s strength to get you through everything

The animals, creatures, even spiders your friends
Every spirit a blessing that the Goddess sends
Nothing can hurt you, if you start to believe
That you’re blessed and protected, all the monsters will leave

Some times it’s so frustrating, that you just want to cry
But you can do anything, if you just give it a try
And just keep on trying, don’t you ever go up
You can play great music, everybody will love

Your life is a blessing, it is never a curse
You might think you are punished, but it could be worse
It is just a life trial, that we all go through
You are going to survive, just like we all do

Embrace the beautiful day, the enchanted night
Don’t bow down to the pain, stand up and give it a fight
Your life has so much potential, that we call can see
Sara you can be whatever you want to be.

This song also written in July, a few days after the Witching Hour. My daughter, like myself, has struggled to believe in herself and that very simply is the explanation of all of her physical symptoms. It does not come easy - I have spent my life learning to do this, and I started out just like her. My hope is in that my recent efforts to improve myself there I can pass along some of this to her, and realize that she can be anything she wants to be, and that there is a very powerful and beautiful spirit in her. I was never told that when I was young, I am hoping that I can make a difference in her life by telling her that now.

9) Oasis

Been stumbling down, this dirty road - feels like it's 100 degrees

In this desolate pain, not a hint or drop of rain, so hot that I can hardly breathe

Been walking forever, never thought I'd get here, thought to get to heaven I'd have to die

But sanctuary's near, my oasis is here - I've never felt so grateful to be alive

Because everything's here that I need, my friends my love my forest family

A well of love as deep as the earth, gonna drink my fill until I start to burst

My sweet love (song title) gazing deep into my eyes, I feel her and my heart's so full so high

Great spirit pouring rain down from the sky, my love and spirit never will die

The trees block out the sun with their shade, my love blocks out my demons of hate

I used to want to sob cry and groan, but with my spirit I am never alone

I used to feel I was falling apart, now I reach deep into the love in my heart

I used to hope the end would be near, now the future's so hopeful bright and clear

Brand new song written a week ago - I sung it outside with the microphone picking up the wind and the sound of the birds - I thought it was a nice effect. Kind of self-explanatory and again re-hashing a lot of ideas already expressed - self love, connected to nature, feeling content in an anima setting, surviving a challenging state and arriving at a happy place as a refuge. A way also of acknowledging how far I have come in my spiritual journey.

10) Last song is ass-hole mountain - I won't go into it here and posted the lyrics in my other blog sit - basic country vs. city living theme and based on a real life place not far from where I live.