Book review time - and I haven't even finished Unstuck by Dr. James Gordon, but I am probably about half way through it. Victoria and I were listening to Science Friday on NPR and there was one guy - Dr. Gordon who seemed to have a pretty revolutionary approach to treating depression, and then there was the drug company cock-sucking whore who was countering him every step of the way and saying that pills were the answer to everything. For anyone who hasn't heard this already, this subject hits home for me. Back when I was on the verge of death - having been from one bipolar extreme to the other, a miraculous discovery was made by the people treating me and caring for me - I had a CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. That's all! Nothing involving my spirit, my lifestyle, who I was, how I was raised, any of those small trivial details. It was just like catching a fucking cold! But instead of taking Nyquil to get better, all I had to do was take what the doctor ordered, and then I would be back to normal. And even as fucked up as I was, I knew on some level that this was wrong - because I trust my intuition - even in a messed up depression state - I seem to know when I am being sold down the river. The doctor told me to take my little pills, so like a good dog I did just that. So after X amount of time playing along with the game, I just stopped taking it. For a while I tried to look like I was taking it to appease everyone, until I passed out in a doctor's office while they were drawing my blood (they have to monitor your levels for lithium with blood tests) after being hung over from drinking with my college buddies the night before. There is nothing like coming to on the floor with a nice big puddle in your pants that you just created. So at some point I said fuck this shit - and I stopped taking it. And guess what - NOTHING HAPPENED. And 20 years later guess what - NOTHING HAS STILL HAPPENED.
But what has happened is I am not the same person who I was back then. My lifestyle has changed dramatically since then. I learned that getting in touch with my spirit was literally a matter of life or death. I was spiritually dead at age 20, so it was no wonder that I wanted to FUCKING SLASH MY WRISTS AND KILL MYSELF! Really - at that point in my life, that made more sense than anything else. But what I was dealing with was infinitely more complicated than just popping a pill. And it didn't happen overnight - but slowly but surely a spirit began to emerge from the wastelands of my unconscious soul, and it is now something that I have to continue to cultivate and take care of. I have to watch what I eat, get my cardio and hour of exercise in every day, I have spent 25 plus years exploring my music, singing, guitar playing, and writing and at some point I finally hit something in the ground because now there it is - the spiritual gold mine I was searching for. It took a lot of hard work - psychological work, facing the inner demons, even a few acid trips that took me to the depths of my fears, but somewhere along the way I realized that medication was not the answer. The answer(s) were a combination of getting to know myself, love myself, and make the changes I needed to make to get out of this spiritual void. The people I am with make a difference in my life too. My judgemental caretakers may think my wife is the fucking anti-Christ (even if they aren't Christian) but the reality is even if you think of her as some fucking free-loading parasitical fatass Mexican bitch who stole your royalty prince of a son from you - a lot of my happiness comes from my marriage. Marriage is hard work - you get into it on some level as an escape from yourself, and then at some point your staring right up your own ass as you land right in the middle of everything you thought you were running away from to begin with. I am not saying it's easy, but at the same time at some point it starts to come together and it does add to your life. My wife and my daughter have given me all sorts of avenues to my spirit that I never thought I would have. So long story short with my life - when I read a book that was standing up to the evil empire of drug companies - shamelessly pimping their goods and spending billions of dollars gobbling up TV time and buying off health care professionals in the process - to promote toxic products which not only have horrible side effects, but can actually make you worse off than you started - I thought halla fucking lulyah it's about time!
It seems to be in the collective consciousness - medication - medication - if you are feeling down - take a pill! And before my daughter was born, and I had a little mini depression going - I thought oh well - I'll give it a try. I took some SSRI - either Paxil or Zoloft - to feel better and after 5 days I was hiding naked in the shower feeling anxious, hopeless, and terrified all over again and finally I thought - hell - if this shit is making me feel like this, I'd rather just be miserable all my life. And I still hear it - even from a recent counselor who saw us for marriage assistance - she said she still thinks I exhibit biploar behavior and recommended me for - guess what - MEDICATION! And hell maybe there is something to bipolar behavior - whatever the hell that means - I do have ups and downs - even still. Not to the point like I was in college where I was getting by on 2 hours or less of sleep and babbling away, running into traffic screaming, and carrying on like a complete madman - but I do have some highs and lows going. Even still - I am incredibly grounded because I have been in the insurance industry almost 20 years now, 18 with my first company and almost 2 with my last, and I am the go to guy - I am the guy who is going to get it down (done) - and everyone in charge of me always seems to find that out. I am as stable as they come - in the workforce anyways. Sure I may meltdown from time to time, freak out, get angry, or go off on something that really isn't worth the energy I put into it. I am still recovering from this God forsaken cruise I was just on - and I may never recover from it entirely. But even so - I get by, I do my job, I take care of my family, my house isn't on the foreclosure list - so I must be doing something right. I may take an occasional supplement like St. John's Wort a few years ago, or SAM-E now, but for the most part - no pharmaceuticals and that's fine with me. The idea of taking anything that is not going to allow me to get it up is about as much of a deterrent as there can be.
So getting back to the book - Dr. Gordon say depression is a wake up call. It is a time for us to look at what's going on, and make the changes necessary to do that. When I got depressed, getting back to who I was before the depression wasn't the answer because it was who I was that made me depressed to begin with. There were toxic hateful forces that submerged themselves deep into my soul, and I had to slowly exorcise myself of them. I'm still doing it now - that parasite always seems to rear it's ugly head, but it's just not quite as much in charge as it once was. He also advocates diet, exercise and spiritual practices such as yoga and meditation. For me my music is both of those things, and I have been exercising pretty faithfully for years. The diet could always improve, but I'm drinking more water and trying to at least be conscious of what I eat. Sure I could stand to lose about 15-20 pounds, but I'm not going to flog myself to death over it either. So this really wasn't an actual book review, as much of my way of relating to a book and I hope this catches on. Why would something as complicated as a mind - a mind that consists of one's intellect, heart, soul and energy be reduced to something so crude as a "CHEMICAL IMBALANCE" so that medication would be pimped as the one and for all answer for everyone. Like Dr. Gordon says - as a last resort - only - it may be necessary and helpful in some circumstances. But in our society the evil pharmaceuticals shove it down our throat, often poisoning and killing us along the way. Dr. Gordon is the brave David taking on Goliath, and providing us with real solutions to something as complicated and devastating as depression. And believe me as someone who has been there - there's a lot more to it than just popping a fucking pill.
But what has happened is I am not the same person who I was back then. My lifestyle has changed dramatically since then. I learned that getting in touch with my spirit was literally a matter of life or death. I was spiritually dead at age 20, so it was no wonder that I wanted to FUCKING SLASH MY WRISTS AND KILL MYSELF! Really - at that point in my life, that made more sense than anything else. But what I was dealing with was infinitely more complicated than just popping a pill. And it didn't happen overnight - but slowly but surely a spirit began to emerge from the wastelands of my unconscious soul, and it is now something that I have to continue to cultivate and take care of. I have to watch what I eat, get my cardio and hour of exercise in every day, I have spent 25 plus years exploring my music, singing, guitar playing, and writing and at some point I finally hit something in the ground because now there it is - the spiritual gold mine I was searching for. It took a lot of hard work - psychological work, facing the inner demons, even a few acid trips that took me to the depths of my fears, but somewhere along the way I realized that medication was not the answer. The answer(s) were a combination of getting to know myself, love myself, and make the changes I needed to make to get out of this spiritual void. The people I am with make a difference in my life too. My judgemental caretakers may think my wife is the fucking anti-Christ (even if they aren't Christian) but the reality is even if you think of her as some fucking free-loading parasitical fatass Mexican bitch who stole your royalty prince of a son from you - a lot of my happiness comes from my marriage. Marriage is hard work - you get into it on some level as an escape from yourself, and then at some point your staring right up your own ass as you land right in the middle of everything you thought you were running away from to begin with. I am not saying it's easy, but at the same time at some point it starts to come together and it does add to your life. My wife and my daughter have given me all sorts of avenues to my spirit that I never thought I would have. So long story short with my life - when I read a book that was standing up to the evil empire of drug companies - shamelessly pimping their goods and spending billions of dollars gobbling up TV time and buying off health care professionals in the process - to promote toxic products which not only have horrible side effects, but can actually make you worse off than you started - I thought halla fucking lulyah it's about time!
It seems to be in the collective consciousness - medication - medication - if you are feeling down - take a pill! And before my daughter was born, and I had a little mini depression going - I thought oh well - I'll give it a try. I took some SSRI - either Paxil or Zoloft - to feel better and after 5 days I was hiding naked in the shower feeling anxious, hopeless, and terrified all over again and finally I thought - hell - if this shit is making me feel like this, I'd rather just be miserable all my life. And I still hear it - even from a recent counselor who saw us for marriage assistance - she said she still thinks I exhibit biploar behavior and recommended me for - guess what - MEDICATION! And hell maybe there is something to bipolar behavior - whatever the hell that means - I do have ups and downs - even still. Not to the point like I was in college where I was getting by on 2 hours or less of sleep and babbling away, running into traffic screaming, and carrying on like a complete madman - but I do have some highs and lows going. Even still - I am incredibly grounded because I have been in the insurance industry almost 20 years now, 18 with my first company and almost 2 with my last, and I am the go to guy - I am the guy who is going to get it down (done) - and everyone in charge of me always seems to find that out. I am as stable as they come - in the workforce anyways. Sure I may meltdown from time to time, freak out, get angry, or go off on something that really isn't worth the energy I put into it. I am still recovering from this God forsaken cruise I was just on - and I may never recover from it entirely. But even so - I get by, I do my job, I take care of my family, my house isn't on the foreclosure list - so I must be doing something right. I may take an occasional supplement like St. John's Wort a few years ago, or SAM-E now, but for the most part - no pharmaceuticals and that's fine with me. The idea of taking anything that is not going to allow me to get it up is about as much of a deterrent as there can be.
So getting back to the book - Dr. Gordon say depression is a wake up call. It is a time for us to look at what's going on, and make the changes necessary to do that. When I got depressed, getting back to who I was before the depression wasn't the answer because it was who I was that made me depressed to begin with. There were toxic hateful forces that submerged themselves deep into my soul, and I had to slowly exorcise myself of them. I'm still doing it now - that parasite always seems to rear it's ugly head, but it's just not quite as much in charge as it once was. He also advocates diet, exercise and spiritual practices such as yoga and meditation. For me my music is both of those things, and I have been exercising pretty faithfully for years. The diet could always improve, but I'm drinking more water and trying to at least be conscious of what I eat. Sure I could stand to lose about 15-20 pounds, but I'm not going to flog myself to death over it either. So this really wasn't an actual book review, as much of my way of relating to a book and I hope this catches on. Why would something as complicated as a mind - a mind that consists of one's intellect, heart, soul and energy be reduced to something so crude as a "CHEMICAL IMBALANCE" so that medication would be pimped as the one and for all answer for everyone. Like Dr. Gordon says - as a last resort - only - it may be necessary and helpful in some circumstances. But in our society the evil pharmaceuticals shove it down our throat, often poisoning and killing us along the way. Dr. Gordon is the brave David taking on Goliath, and providing us with real solutions to something as complicated and devastating as depression. And believe me as someone who has been there - there's a lot more to it than just popping a fucking pill.
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