The Music Never Stopped

Crazy rooster crowin' midnight.

Balls of lightning roll along.

Old men sing about their dreams.

Women laugh and children scream,

And the band keeps playin' on

Trying to figure out a way to start this out - a title - and drawing a blank so I'll let it come to me. That's how I do what I do - to seek it never seems to work - it seems to need to find me - hey - that's it - from my own song - maybe that's I'll how to start it. Well - anyways - I am going back in time now - a full 9 days for this one - because it is one of those nights that will stand out in my mind for a while - not necessarily because I reached the "zone" - a place I seem to reach somewhat consistently, even this morning when I was walking my dog along the base of my favorite mountain range - a range which I can see from my back yard, but even better in the open space behind our development - a range which seems to really be alive and talks to me with silent words - not necessarily words - but more a calm presence which seems to suggest a very present being in what some would see as merely a chain of rock formed by volcanoes many years ago. But as I was walking along I started singing my own songs - just out loud - no guitar present - and my recent writings "There is Only Love" - "My Sweet Love" are writings that take on a life of their own and seem to fit in quite well at the base of my beloved mountains - the same mountains that my wife always tells me something like - they're just mountains, what's the big deal. The big deal to me is they are inspiring beautiful entities that calm my soul, give me hope in the face of hopelessness, and have a mysterious presence that sums up my own relationship with what some call God. So singing these songs, with my beloved German Shepherd by my side, I can get into the zone, just like I can during my favorite time of the day when the sun is setting, and everything seems to be bursting with spirit and presence, when it seems so clear to me that so much that is unseen is present, that other dimensions beyond the ones we detect are alive and well, that everything from the wind, tree leaves, branches, birds and insects - are all in on this same symphony - and I could swear to God my dog looks over at me at times, looks right through me as if to say "I am in on it too". So even if this zone - which at times I believe in experiencing it is my way of re-charging my own energy levels - is something I often experience alone (although it feels far from actually being alone) with only my possibly somewhat irritated neighbors listening to the notes and vocal sounds - it is something I seem to be fortunate enough to experience on a somewhat consistent level - especially when the weather allows me enough warmth and daylight to be outside without freezing off my fingers.

It is hard to diminish an experience that happens on any regular frequency, but I guess I have gotten somewhat used to it. To get "there" is never something entirely within my control. Certain things help - a full night's sleep, the weather conditions - a breeze, a sunset - always nice - when it is too hot out it can be a distraction just as much as it can be if it is too cold - but even when everything seems to be just right there are other things that can get in the way. Having the onset of a cold coming on last night seemed to distract when I gave up in futility, but then again that same cold was here this morning and then there I was - right there - so it just goes to show - you don't ever know - (so to speak and to borrow famous words) how it is going to arrive or when because there is a certain surrender involved that is almost like catching a wave - and the wave has to be there to begin with and the wave is the ocean of creativity, nurturing, love, inspiration, happiness - everything I associate with my conception of the term God. And I shouldn't necessarily see it as a failure if I try and fail to arrive, it's more like - okay - try it again later because there is the faith there that at some point it is bound to hit.

But I guess what stands out about this particular experience is that it happened with one of my best friends. John from UCSD - who I have been in touch with for many years, is one of my readers here - who actually takes the time to convert my shabby 4 track recordings - out of tune notes, hissing, mistakes and all - from cassette to CD which allows me to listen to them when I am driving - this legend of a human being - was present. I have named them before - the folks I have known for 20-25 years - who seem to me more of my family than the family I was born into - because I have had regular contact with them, shared my soul with them, had psychedelic experiences where the bare-ass raw naked revealed essence of my being was exposed to them - and you form a bond that you can't ever have even with your own brothers and sisters, especially considering that my family is very guarded and poised around each other - and they never seem to let it hang out. This clearly is my observation - and the last time I saw them all it seemed to be clearly reinforced. Then again - who knows - maybe every time I turn away they are all very open when I am gone, but somehow I doubt this. So I have named them before - the 5 that come to mind - Joe, John, Youndy, Kirk, and Rich - are the 5 I have this connection with - and I somehow doubt I will ever find anything like this with anyone else - with the obvious exception of my new family - that consisting of my wife and daughter - who have seen me at my best and worst as well and have been my almost constant companions throughout the last 10 plus years of my life.

The background was I had to spend a week working in Salt Lake. The drive out there on Highway 80 is one boring ass drive - featuring such scenic highlights as Battle Mountain, Winnemucca, Elko, Lovelock, and at the border between Nevada and Utah - Wendover (also affectionately referred to as Bendover by some). I'll take it over Highway 50 which features one lane all the way, and no public bathrooms for a 230 mile stretch, but it still gets old. Seeing that my daughter was pretty upset still over the parting with her aunt - who just recently had come to visit - it didn't seem like the best time to go, but hell - my company feeds us, allows us to have a house and live somewhat comfortably. My sister in law lives in a farm area called Watsonville and they are slowly all killing themselves from exhaustion working 16 to 20 hours a day 7 days a week doing impossibly demanding work for next to no money. So relatively speaking, how can I really complain. I did have to leave on a Sunday, and in seeing John - extend my visit one more day - coming back on Friday instead of Saturday (okay - switch that around - Saturday instead of Friday). It might seem like just one more day, but by the time Friday came around I found myself in the morning saying why the hell am I doing this when I could just be heading home today. John was late in arriving - which meant 6:00 PM turned to 7:30 PM for the time I showed up to meet him at his friend's house. And at the beginning of the visit they were whipping out the wine and beer (I was the one non-drinker) and they were giving us the "grand tour" of their nice two level house (the bottom level being a basement) and their spacious yard. Somehow every time I get the grand tour I always feel like I am in the middle of a dick size contest - hey - look how big mine is. So those same thoughts returned to me from the morning - what the hell am I doing here, and why did I extend my visit for this when I could be back home already. It seems to me like the dick size contest is another version of jacking off, and to quote Jerry Garcia along the same lines - he once said something like we came here to fuck.

So - at some point when they were all eating (I passed the time before in between stops already stopping at a steak joint in the Ogden area - pretty cheesy but good enough) when I was full - I decided it was time to "whip it out" so to speak. The dude had 2 Takamine guitars, better in quality than the one I brought along, so I started by grabbing one - asking permission of course first - and noodling away. My noodling is basically finding a comfortable chord with a few accompanying scale notes - and finding what seems to get me ready for that zone appearance. The notes may be simple - I like to think any idiot with half a brain can do what I do musically because I keep it very simple - but the point is not to show off - because getting back to the dick size contest, that is not what music is about to me. My friend Rich can run me around in circles and make me look downright retarded musically, but that does not take away from what I experience when I get into the zone. I just keep it simple - and that is what works for me. So as I was noodling - trying to be somewhat inconspicuous as my friends were eating, I heard John's wife Mary asked me if I had written what I was playing - which I had to think about at first for a second - kind of come back into reality - and I told her something like - oh this? I'm just pulling this out of my ass. Which was another way of saying I was just noodling.

So the guy who lives there and owns the guitars is named Shane and he also knows a lot of Grateful Dead - so it is a pretty good set up - I am basically going to play the songs and he is going to follow with the lead notes. So I start out with Cassidy - as the "fare thee well let your life proceed by it's own design - nothing to tell now, let the words be yours I am done with mine" portion has been something I have used as a healing mantra to think of my departed greater family ever since I saw them last in July - kind of a quiet surrender to realizing they are living their lives, I am living mine and the paths are clearly never going to be crossing again on any type of real level. Even when we are around each other, we aren't really there - our hearts aren't in it - and singing that song is kind of to me the way of just surrendering to the inevitable notion that it's just the way it is - it is nobody's fault really, it's just karma, fate and something bigger than anyone of us. So naturally I think about this as I am singing this song, and I notice the remaining three at the table, Shane's wife, John and his wife Mary appear to be focusing on the energy - especially the two females who haven't heard me sing as far as I know (John has heard me for years so he is somewhat used to me). You never quite know what effect your playing is having on others - if people are just kissing your ass and saying they like it because they feel that is what they are supposed to be doing - but in this particularly setting I feel like I am making a connection with them and that always feels good. At some point the two ladies went back inside, and I dedicated "Wharf Rat" to all the drinking going on. Normally I am pretty low key with my voice when I sing this out in my yard, but hell - it's their neighbors - not mine - so I sang out the " I know that my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiffe" part with full force - knowing my vocal cords will probably be retaliating the next couple days - and then as the sun slowly started sinking it was quite natural to transition into songs like the Beatles "Tomorrow Never Knows" - Turn off your mind relax and float downstream - which may look like familiar lines (try the top of this blog) as these simple lines written by John Lennon (no disrespect to Paul, but his name on the songwriting credits are nothing but a technicality) - to me are some of the most profound statements ever expressed in a popular song, and the very essence of the "zone" state I describe here so much. So it's getting darker as we have a great view of the mountains that as far as I know are some of the ski range near Park City - although I could be wrong - but Dark Star is a natural fit. The two ladies come back outside and want to hear one of my own compositions, but as we are fortunate enough to get to see an incredible view of the moon bursting over the mountain range - similar to what I get to see at home - with the main difference - these mountains are more vertical, jagged and pointy, whereas ours at home melt into the earth slowly like a voluptuous human female breast - but it is still the same idea - and seeing that glow behind them, followed by that first tip of light - will always be one of the most incredible experiences of nature I will ever know. That was supposed to be a sentence. Oh well - but what I am getting at is I have to play a moon song and one of my favorite Grateful Dead songs is "Mountains of the Moon" and it all seems to fit in with this incredible view of the bright moon bursting out with such a cosmic heavenly light that just seems to pour right into one's consciousness. So I obliged in playing one of my own songs right after this - the one mentioned before "There is Only Love" and maybe because this is "my" song I am a little self-conscious, but in that zone state (I am singing mostly with my eyes closed) several things come to me as I am singing what may be the most profound song I have written. First of all - I know I am being watched. Second - I get the feeling there is a response on the other side - like I am reaching the people watching me. Third - they are listening to me singing and playing my song - but fourth and most importantly - it has nothing to do with me at all. It is kind of like I am the conduit for this burst of incredible energy. It is coming through me, but I am just a vehicle for it - like the antenna of a radio that allows the music to come out that is already there - the radio is not playing it, it is just picking it up. It is almost like being on automatic. These are not my words really - and really they are borrowed from many different sources - books and philosophies I have been exposed to over time - I put them together in a way that made sense to me - but really how can I take credit for such profound wisdom that has been passed on from century to century for who knows how long. The chords are basic - somewhat borrowed - at least in part from the Grateful Dead's Morning Dew cover. So in this state I realize - not only is this not really my song - but as I observe others watching me in this zone state - I detach myself from it - my voice and fingers are on automatic - I am watching it too - and then who is actually doing this? If I am not playing - if I am not writing who is? But to me that is the essence of being in the zone - when it happens it is going through you and it is not about ego - it is about surrender - it is about becoming one with something much greater than myself or anyone - really it is being one with God because this force is coming through me and I am just letting it happen. It is like this ball of fire is being spit out - slowly - through my fingertips and voice and I may be the center of it - as it is coming through me - but that does not mean it is me - because I can't make it happen if it is not meant to happen. So this is a long song - it goes on for about 10 minutes - and then we have completely lost track of time because it is 10:00 PM, the neighbor has dramatically slammed the window as if to say - okay guys - enough is enough. I know Shane also played one of his songs outside before this, and I noodled my way through that. Then we went inside - I did a couple more of my own (Cheese and Today) , Shane did one of his - I stumbled through "Crazy Fingers" and by the time I picked out Bob Dylan's - I Shall Be Released to finish it was already midnight, I was on my second wind but exhausted - said my goodbyes - drove back to the hotel, slept like shit, and then had a horrendous journey back home, covering the near 550 miles through 90 plus degree desert heat pulling over to sleep for 10 minute spurts three different times - and feeling like it was one of the longest drives ever.

But still - worth it - even though it takes me about 2 days to recover from the drive back and staying up late. Just as it is worth it to do the monthly drum circles in town here - because even if I can get there by myself, it is important to try to get there in some kind of community setting as well. These people - who were basically strangers before I showed up - shared something with me and now I already have a bond with them - even though they are friends of friends so to speak - because of what we shared. Music is the most powerful spiritual force I have ever come across - and it is amazing that it can be experienced at its full height just sitting in my lawn chair in my backyard with my faithful dog by my side, or with a group of friends, or in an a stadium full of 50,000 or more people. That is what it amazing about it - it can work on any level. As I told Mary that night, this is my religion. It is not what I picked up in any religious building - such as any church or synagogue I have ever been to. I can respect those places may work for some, but they have never done it for me. My problem with the Judeo-Christian religions is that they are looking back to something that happened thousands of years ago. As far as I am concerned - open up your eyes - and you can see it is happening every day - right now. That's why I keep on getting out there - with my voice, drum, and guitar - that's why I am writing about it now. This experience I described from 9 days ago didn't stop. It lives on for me. It lived on when I drove back. I don't miss any of them now because they are all still with me. A musical experience has no start and no end - it is infinite - it goes on forever. Music and the expression of it - as I said in one of my recent tunes - will always be my path to God.