I know I am not the only one talking about this, but gas prices keep going up, fires burning out of control, people continue to pound the shit out of each other all over the world, earthquakes everywhere and it seems like everything is coming down at once. My rude awakening was getting a letter from Bank of America stating my equity line - previously set at 50,000 had now lowered to 13,500 due to the decline in my house value. Just like that - 37,500 in potential credit - not that I was using it - I was usually hovering around 14 to 16 with pending payments as my 2 year assault - mainly medical expenses - has kept me from making any ground on any of my debt. But now there is the scramble to change all my due dates to the right time for my credit cards, come up with the extra 2,000 - which against the advice of some I pulled out of my IRA - I know I'll be taxed and I have a 10% penalty, but if it means staying out of credit card interest rates - it is worth it to me - but not something I would have preferred to have done. I always try to stay optimistic, but I rode a a little wave of anxiety after getting this friendly financial letter in the mail - and combined with the throbbing sinus and allergies that linger over me and make me feel constantly tired, and my co-worker is out in Kansas on storm duty, and I have been pretty busy climbing up on roofs and handling wind claims - it seems like I am kind of always feeling beat up. In a panic I grabbed my cell phone stuck in my car seat and ripped it in half - just because I wasn't thinking. My camera died on me the week before. The same day I ripped the phone, I went up on a roof, came down feeling weak and dehydrated, and managed to even get a little sun burn on my arm. My job is great when I can manage it, but driving 500-700 miles a week with the allergy/sinus weakness pounding at me, is like fighting an up hill constant battle against exhaustion - and that is no fun at all.
I read another Ram Dass book called Paths to God, and yet even so I am still somewhat obsessed on the desire level. I always want to eat in moderation, but that never seems to happen - and I honestly admit I am always in kind of a fantasy land with my love life - like something out there is waiting for me and as much as the book says sex is for procreation only and you have to get beyond it, I certainly haven't. I talk to a gal at my gym - she doesn't stay in relationships - but still - she always seems to be getting it - and naturally asking me if I am, and I always have to politely say - no not this time. It is near the death level in my marriage, and as much as I try to make light of it, like I did in my posted song on You Tube, the reality is I do think about it. There is no one in particular I gravitate my thoughts to - there have been a few on rotation over the last few years, after the one major explosion a few years back, but it is more the idea that there is something more to life than I am experiencing and maybe it shouldn't get to me, but the clear reality is that it does. I try to compensate as much as I can by experiencing it on a dream level, but dreams only go so far. I know I am not the only one here feeling this way either. And what can really be done about it - I don't know. Does everyone go through this - is this just an inevitable part of life. Is that why so many people move on, or have affairs? Is monogamy just an unnatural cutural imposed condition that we feel obligated to live by against our own inner longings? Some times I wonder.
So needless to say - with the finances going to hell, with the constant longing for something more than what I have - my life is in a bit of turmoil some times. If I could successfully practice everything in the book, everything I try to impose as an ideal in my own writings - these things wouldn't bother me. And over all, looking at the bright side - the music does have a way of pulling everything together and inspiring me. How all this will ever resolve itself - if ever - God only knows.
I read another Ram Dass book called Paths to God, and yet even so I am still somewhat obsessed on the desire level. I always want to eat in moderation, but that never seems to happen - and I honestly admit I am always in kind of a fantasy land with my love life - like something out there is waiting for me and as much as the book says sex is for procreation only and you have to get beyond it, I certainly haven't. I talk to a gal at my gym - she doesn't stay in relationships - but still - she always seems to be getting it - and naturally asking me if I am, and I always have to politely say - no not this time. It is near the death level in my marriage, and as much as I try to make light of it, like I did in my posted song on You Tube, the reality is I do think about it. There is no one in particular I gravitate my thoughts to - there have been a few on rotation over the last few years, after the one major explosion a few years back, but it is more the idea that there is something more to life than I am experiencing and maybe it shouldn't get to me, but the clear reality is that it does. I try to compensate as much as I can by experiencing it on a dream level, but dreams only go so far. I know I am not the only one here feeling this way either. And what can really be done about it - I don't know. Does everyone go through this - is this just an inevitable part of life. Is that why so many people move on, or have affairs? Is monogamy just an unnatural cutural imposed condition that we feel obligated to live by against our own inner longings? Some times I wonder.
So needless to say - with the finances going to hell, with the constant longing for something more than what I have - my life is in a bit of turmoil some times. If I could successfully practice everything in the book, everything I try to impose as an ideal in my own writings - these things wouldn't bother me. And over all, looking at the bright side - the music does have a way of pulling everything together and inspiring me. How all this will ever resolve itself - if ever - God only knows.
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