The Peasants call her the Goddess of Gloom

I now have some time to update my place here as I have not been around much in the year 2009 – at least in my home place. I spent 19 out of 31 days in January, either in transit to or working in the Portland or southern Washington vicinity, and it is quite an intense drive – 600 plus miles – and a stretch of it goes from Susanville to Mount Shasta in the mountains and can be a little on the intimidating side when it is getting dark and it is raining buckets and the vehicle starts making strange sounds when it is going over pools of water that are deeper than a vehicle is supposed to travel over – as this was my experience on the way back, after I picked up my obligatory “Enjoy Weed (California)” tie-dye t-shirt at a gas station for a pretty reasonable price. This was the longest stretch away from home since I worked with Crawford & Company and went to Atlanta for 3 weeks of property adjuster training just after Sara was born.

Being away from home is kind of a mixed blessing - I say this as I am sitting in the Reno Tahoe Airport an hour and 15 minutes away from boarding a plane - back to my familiar place I have been working - Portland - this time though I will be working there for a relatively short 4 full days before flying back on Friday afternoon, only to hop another plane to Salt Lake City next week for a 3 day course in water extraction that will get me certified to be able to haggle better with the companies that throw fans and dehumidifiers in place after an unfortunate plumbing incident. So once I get back from that one - next Friday - I will officially have spent considerably far more time in the year 2009 away from my home city than actually at home. Seems to actually improve the sex life at home - the goodbye time, the welcome back time, the day after the welcome back time - absence does seem to help matters there a bit. As it seems to me anyways (from my perspective) that the moods and PMS of my beloved seem to be particularly intense with the hormones doing what they are doing - so that just by breathing I seem to be doing something wrong - then the act of actually engaging in a full minute or two of intimacy seems to at least semi-justify the torturous moments when I am receiving the full brunt of the PMS. (Makes note to himself - spending the day shuttling the girls around to go shopping and eating out is not an experience I will be repeating any time soon - and I will spare the details).

Portland brings up a lot of images - mainly the color grey. A lot of nice trees - but it is so very grey - and the one time it was not grey was when I happened to be right in Troutdale (remember Motel 6 Y-man) and Gresham working in some of the nastiest winds - courtesy of the Columbia River wind tunnel - that I have ever experienced from a roof - and this was re-inforced by one man telling me quite matter of factly that I was "crazy" for even thinking about what I eventually did - getting up on his 2 story roof (from a porch that made the climb not as intense - I am not even that crazy to go straight up in those conditions) and as he held the ladder and I made the leap up he told me as soon as he let go of the ladder the wind brought it crashing down. Once I get up I am basically hugging the roof with all available limbs and asking myself as the cold air is literally punching my body in every way possible - was I really stupid enough to do what I just did? A lot of those scenic trees were coming down onto people's houses and into their yards and giving some of these folks the bad news that insurance does not cover wind damaged trees that fall into a yard is a good way of getting some folks pretty pissed off.

On the up side - it was getting dark early and though I was responsible for at least on paper justifying 12 hours of work a day, it is pretty difficult to do an exterior inspection when it is pitch black outside - so I was usually heading back to the hotel around 5 or so as opposed to the 7 - 8 even 9:00 times I was doing this in the vicinity of Lincoln, Nebraska over the early summer. The hotel - Crowne Plaza - is walking distance from Trader Joes, and even though the hotel does not have a washing machine - strangely enough - the Phoenix Inn didn't mind me walking in and doing it in their basement lobby, and if you look confident enough they even think you are staying there after a while. It was also walking distance from Applebee's, Chevy's, a sushi place that was good, Olive Garden, and a local steak place called Stanford Grille, and a couple miles from a Benihana that had some good sushi as well, and I could either swim or ride the workout machines every morning, so a relatively comfortable place to stay.

So now arriving to the Bob Dylan line that makes up the title of this particular piece, I had an unexpected anima experience - the awakening of the inner feminine through the experience of a real life female - also known as having a crush or infatuation - with a lady whose name I have only indirectly referred to (you never know really if this could get back somehow) and although I won't go into specific details she was someone I was interacting with in the course of doing my job - quite frequently there - usually by phone or e-mail, although I did meet up with her in person a few times - purely on an innocent level. As in nothing physical happened - other than a hug - but if anything it brought home to me how easy it would be for something physical to happen when away from the comforts of home living out of a couple suitcases and hotel room for almost 3 weeks at a time. When you are working as many hours as I am there isn't really time to think about the idea of loneliness, but having an attraction awakened out of nowhere while being away from home made it apparent that loneliness was there. I wasn't pining away for the wife as much as missing my walks with my German Shepherd, and hearing Sara's voice on the phone every day made me realize I miss her - to the point that when driving back and hearing the Phish lyric "so if I'm inside your head" - it actully brought tears to my eyes.

So when you hear the voice of a friendly female on the phone, or have a certain thing going with the e-mails - you kind of feel at home - and of course the danger is - you may not want to be too much at home. I did tell Victoria of this experience when I got back as our relationship is open enough that we do share these things - and her reaction was it was too bad that nothing happened, but then the mind games are going - does she really mean that, was she just saying it, or is she just using it to get a pass for when she feels compelled to stray outside. As far as I know neither of us have - yet - but we have both thought about it and you just never know. The one dream I had with - going back to the title line - the GOG - I was sitting on my hotel bed - fully clothed - and she was right behind me - in a very intimate but not necessarily sexual way - holding my back with her arms over my chest leaning into me, and I woke up feeling very dreamy and content with this image. Now the reality sets in - she is close to my age, but a mother of two kids - one grown and one 12 - getting started very early around the age of 19 - and presently has a boyfriend - who from appearances (she had a gathering at her houes the last night) lives with her and although it may not be her end all relationship that leads to marriage - I don't get that sense anyways - obviously it is somewhat serious. On a certain level I feel that kind of emotional chemistry - like I click with her - relate to her - she even told me she had a dream about me shortly after my dream of her. On another level - night and day - she is a country music fan with towels reading "Cowgirl" on them, she stated she did not like Trader Joe's because of all the hippie types there who go there. I did tell her I am one of those hippies - more in disguise - but it still who I am - and she has a hard time believing it. So in some ways so close, in other ways worlds apart - but something definitely seemed to be there for me - and although I can't read her mind - it is possible for her too - the signs seem to at least suggest the possibility. But when you know somebody through work - not necessarily at work - but through work - and both of you are at least on paper committed - there is that fine line of actually making something happen - and the potential consequences therein - and also a bit of that sense of relief that since on paper you should not be making it happen - then there is no reason to have to go through that burden of trying, but also that disappointment when the what if thoughts start coming in.

So borrowing from some of my Buddhism books - I just go with the experience - not forcing it - not pushing it away - just letting it be what it is without feeling a need to make it more than that and that is where it stands. So imagine my surprise that shortly after hearing from her this week I am heading right back up that way - all over again - this time for a shorter period of time - to a place that I thought I was done with - at least for a good while anyways. As busy as it has been maybe I am going to be spending more time there - who knows. These experiences feel good - I think they are necessary for some reason - but as long as it stays where it is I am fine. Of course the nagging question also comes up what I would do or would have done if she had initiated something. It is quite an interesting question. I have been so kind and careful not to go to her too soon - as the song says. But what if she came to me? It is not a question I have an answer to...