Lord you can see that it's true

He could pass his time'round some other line

But you know he chose this place beside her

Don't get in the way, there's nothing you can say

Nothing that you need to add or do

They love each other

Lord, you can see it's true

Seeing that my last post was written in a somewhat depressed state I can balance it out with a little neutrality here. When Victoria came back from her individual session with the therapist it seemed pretty hopeless here. Of course what I didn't realize since I have now been back in is that she was giving me her spin on what happened, which amazingly enough was quite different than the therapist's spin on it. Although I love Victoria, her representation of the facts of a situation has never been her greatest strength, so it was interesting to see that from what the therapist told me she was not actually saying what Victoria claims she said in the first place. Victoria said the therapist encouraged her to leave me, the therapist said she told her it is not fair to continue to state she will leave if she doesn't. When asked if she was done (with our relationship), Victoria claims to have answered yes, but the therapist heard her say "I don't know". She heard what she wanted to hear and twisted it. It is not that it didn't happen, but she heard what she wanted to hear.

Without pointing fingers - because it does no good - I still am one that believes that the role model of your parent of the opposite sex shapes your relationships in the future. Seeing that my mother was - and still is - a highly unstable, angry, emotional wreck who never developed a very effective way of dealing with her own issues, I know that has set the stage for all of the women in my life and there has been a common theme. This starts with the first woman - Sharon - she was the first I ever kissed or made love to, and was in love with at the time - she was a troubled woman suffering from schizophrenia and lacked the strength to make any type of decision on a daily level . This unstable theme holds all the way down the relatively short list of women in my life, every woman I have known has been highly troubled and somewhat unstable. The next woman - Brigit - an Italian Jew with amazingly large and beautiful breasts - was such a control freak that it was difficult to be around her - well when the sex wasn't happening anyways - and when sex became a blatant part of the control - it was too much for me to take. Karen - although I lived with her and loved her - and I still do love her - had been through hell with the passing of her mother at 3 and then a wicked abusive stepmother stepping in, and her abandonment issues seemed to make my inevitable abandonment of her a self-fulfilling prophecy. Raulin - a very sexy Latina woman - had alcohol issues, and her issues with sex and intimacy - even though I had some of the best sex ever with her - you can point to her own possible molest as a child and I was in lust/love with her too - but it was like clutching at straws - and when she started running away I called her on it by not allowing her to come back - as much as I wanted to. So by the time Victoria came around, I kind of felt that I had a bit of a sneak preview in that she was a bit of each and every one of them.

I could see the writing on the wall from the beginning. She was there, but then she was trying to back out - even in the first months I was with her. She was telling me I should be with someone else, she was scared of the intimacy that she so desperately needed, she didn't like me living like a slob, wearing cheap shoes and dressing like a complete fucking idiot. I remember when we had some dumb dispute - I am not sure exactly what it was - she may have been upset I wasn't taking her out to dinner, or she thought I was too blame from some very unpleasant physical symptoms that developed from sex - whatever it was - she was running away even then and I was supposed to meet her at Balboa Park in San Diego, but I couldn't find her. I had this very crucial thought in my mind. I knew a pattern was set in motion. I knew that if I threw in the towel with her, that ultimately I would just keep finding her again and again in other women. So I thought this is too big for me to fight - this pattern of women in my life. If I met a stable woman with a good foundation there would be no allure. So as sick as the whole thing was, it was my sickness - being drawn to sick women - and nobody could ever accuse me of being the most mentally stable man in the world anyways - so I thought no - I am not backing away from this because Victoria was the most stable of the unstable women I had known. I know it is a complete contradiction, but she is stable in her own way. This is a woman who endured - most likely - sexual advances from her father - some of which were repressed, an abusive distant mother who hit her more than she spoke to her, she had the intelligence and insight to question a very abusive culture where women are slaves with no rights - and when I met her coming off a rebound from a husband who had beaten her, you would think she would be completely shut down - and even though she was close to it - I saw a strength and resiliency to come through all of these things and somehow of all the women I had known previously on an intimate level, I had the idea that I wanted to be with her. And almost 12 1/2 years later I still am.

I love her and it has been hell at times, sometimes even it still is - but I still love her and have no regrets. Sure it's easy to be in touch with other couples who have much more of a life in the bedroom than I do, but everyone has their own issues to face. Envy is a wasted emotion because you can only live your own life. Sometimes we can go for a long time without it happening at all, but even when it seems hopeless, when I have heard her once again proclaim we are done there, it can never happen again, we always seem to gravitate back to it. I know it is rare that she actually gets off, and the older we get the less frequent it becomes. At the beginning on some survival instinct she was ready for it all the time. Then it started to taper down. Last time she was into it, a Mexican painter student of hers was really getting her worked up, and she wanted him but that sexual energy had nowhere to go and she was receptive to me. Some might take that personally, but hell - whatever works. One time she even got off on the idea that I was going to physically re-unite with Karen. Still - even if the wait is long - when I do make love to her again, I feel like I am at home and I know she is the woman I still want to be with even after years of a struggle.

Victoria once observed that my sister seems to live the role of a little girl in her marriage. The husband provides everything for her - takes care of her - even feeds her (she won't eat if he doesn't) and she acts and talks just like a little teenager. As she explained to my brother, that is where she is safe after all of the hurt she has endured - from the endless screaming of my mother to her sexual assaults and physical abuse in one of her relationships. She is safe there. Victoria seemed to understand that. So imagine my surprise when the therapist without hearing anything about my sister - seemed to paint Victoria the same way. The same pattern is there. In a broken environment growing up, Victoria dreamed of running away and finally did that in her mid teens when her father started asking her to sit on his lap. She moved in with a Wiccan priest twice her age who replaced her father. She had some sex with him, but it didn't last. When she married Stuart - who was completely unstable and beating her up - running away was the right thing. So in her model - as a little girl - running away is what you do. So she talks about it, dreams of it, plans it all the time with me. But I am not hurting her. I don't beat her up. Sometimes the sexuality unfortunately is a connection with her past and there is no way around that. I can't turn it off - I am a sexual being. She in turn has emotional needs and needs to be held. One can't happen without the other. At some point I believe it can get better there, but for now the compromise is it happens some times, other times there are long breaks in between, but it never goes away.

The therapist observed all of her plans to actually go somewhere are disconnected and foggy with no foundation in reality. There is nothing holding them up. She wants to go to school full time and be independent, but she struggles to complete one local community college class without being overwhelmed with fear. She hated San Diego when I met her there - she was ready to move back to Chicago when I met her - but she never did. Now that we are here she has an idea that moving back with her friend Marlene is the answer - that somehow she will raise a very demanding child completely on her own, go to school full time, and become independent. The therapist found it very interesting that Marlene lives not in Chicago, but in San Diego - the place she wanted to get away from. What about the four animals she adores - the two dogs and cats - that she has an easier time expressing affection for - what happens to them - I can't take care of them on my own. And her beloved Chicago - there is not one person in her family she would want to move back in with - including her mother, brother, or any of her sisters. She has no friends there who would take her in. Living alone and paying the bills - she relies on me for that - not just for the money but to actually take the time to get the payments out and get them on time. So long story short - she will always be fixated on something - that with me anyways - will never happen. Because on some level she knows she has a foundation and love here that she will not get anywhere else. It scares her - the intimacy - because she has never been loved before in a way that was consistent and stable, so she cannot accept it now. But here it is.

Meanwhile - my mother confused me by being affectionate at times and being an endless screaming witch at other times - so to me love and rejection experience are intertwined. So my pattern works well here too because when I am rejected - physically - it is familiar to me. When I feel rejection I become physically and emotionally down - my heart hurts (broken heart as cheesy at it sounds becomes a real symptom), I am lethargic, on the verge of tears constantly, everything takes an effort. I relive the hurt I experienced with my mother all the time. So where some in my situation might have said fuck this and moved on, I take the emotional blows because it is familiar territory. There is just enough love and intimacy here to hold out because if the rejection was all I experienced it would be too much to take. But on some dysfunctional miracle that holds this mess together here, when it gets that bad somehow Victoria knows it and we always seem to make up in the bedroom at the right time before it gets too far in that direction. It seems that on our 13th year together there is some built in survival mechanism that keeps us together and keeps the bad times from getting too bad. When I fell in love with Renee on line and was desperate enough to consider being with her physically, we found the right therapist and actually experienced a brief upswing where we both enjoyed sex for a while. Every time she is drawn to someone, she seems to have the sense to know acting on it physically would get her nowhere. We come back to each other - we always do - because on some level we know we belong together.

So she is hurtful at times - I know that experience well - she says things she doesn't always mean and I have to hear her and let her speak without taking her literally - because what she says is not what she really means on a deeper level. She is reliving her own hurt and her own distrust of love and I have to distance myself from it and not take it personally. Somehow within this dysfunctional mess of two broken hearts and minds who have taken their share of hurt growing up, there is the waiting flower of love like a rose waiting to come up from the cracks of a concrete sidewalk. I have to hold out in the times of apparent hopelessness and never give up. As long as I continue to believe in love - love will always find me - one way or the other. Today is Thanksgiving and I give thanks for the love that is in my life. It is a long and lonely road at times, but even so - love is always there if you continue to believe in her.

Brokedown Palace

Goin to leave this Broke-down Palace

On my hands and my knees I will roll roll roll

Make myself a bed by the waterside

In my time - in my time - I will roll roll roll
In a bed, in a bed by the waterside I will lay my head

Listen to the river sing sweet songsto rock my soul

Ollabelle is one of my favorite recent groups so to see them doing their cover of this song at this highly emotional point in my life was just bringing tears running down my face as I watched it.

God damn why does life have to be so hard? I know I'm lucky to have a job when many are losing their houses and starving, and it's not that I am not grateful, but it's enough to take on this time of year when the daylight is nearly cut in half over the peak time of year for me, but to take on the seemingly insurmountable obstacles of my marriage on top of it almost seems too much. I know some were speculating that my younger brother was on the verge of a divorce after his wife was absentee on the Love Boat, but are we the ones who are really heading there? I chose a recommended therapist for our latest wave of counseling, and after the first session with my wife this lady is strongly urging her to consider separation. I also saw this lady and she seemed pretty solid to me - so here is the recommended diagnosis and is that where we are headed? It seems pretty darn bleak and I didn't sleep much last night. I ended up staying up with Victoria and holding her and she had me laughing - once again - and in some ways she is my best and closest friend, and yet sex has a way of fucking everything up because you can't just make it go away. This year my desire has been down, but sometimes it comes back and the counselor told V that if she goes through with it without really enjoying it she is a prostitute who is betraying herself. So maybe that is the case and if that is then how can that issue possibly be resolved? It may have diminished, but I have a sex drive and I do desire love - even if it is not constant - I can't live a brother sister life with someone I have a desire for. I was hoping another wave of counseling would turn us around the way it once did a few years back, and instead we are already talking about separating. I am one of those impossible optimists and even though sometimes it is hard to get through the day without tears streaming down my face and the heaviest of hearts, I still believe we belong together and can work this out - even if we have to separate to figure that out. As far as the answer to our sex struggles, I just don't know what it is but there has to be one somewhere. All in all - a pretty depressing situation and sometimes I just don't know how I even deal with this or get through it.

You don't always show your sweet side

I've seen you in the kitchen cookin' me supper
I listened to you bitchin' I watched you suffer
I still love you baby 'cause I know you
Don't mean to do the cruel things you do
I've seen you sewin' buttons on your shirt
I've seen you throwin' up when your stomach hurt
I'll stick by you baby through thick and thin
No matter what kind of shape you're in

from Sweet Side by Lucinda Williams

This is my point of view from one side of a marriage. It is not right or wrong as it is my perspective and I address this letter to you. I try to write this as objectively as peacefully as possible, even though it would be very easy to turn it into an angry tirade, blame you, say it's all your fault, but since we share this space each other, and chose each other - even right now - at this very moment, time and space - to be around each other - regardless of those I'd really like to be somewhere else thoughts - never mind that - here we are - at this moment - together right now - by mutual choice. Choices have been made - repeatedly. Ever day of the 12 years we have been together we have chosen for one reason or another to stay with each other. And yet for 10 of those 12 years I have heard plans and desires of yours to be other than this place. From the very first "I'm leaving you" about 10 years ago - when I was convinced it was really going to happen, to dozens of dozens more - to the point now when I hear it - in all due respect - I don't really attach much credence to it.

It's not that I don't believe you feel like you mean it when you say it. I completely believe you say it with full belief that you do intend for it to happen. But one problem is - it never does happen. Not to say that I am pushing you to either go or stay. I only want to hold you, I don't want to tie you down - as a certain song says. But it kind of comes down to the old saying - shit or get off the pot. After so many years of hearing this - shit - for lack of a better word - I start to believe it is nothing but - well - shit. And then I feel like someone is crapping all over me. So unless you have immediate plans to put this plan into motion, why do you need to keep telling me this same lie over and over? Frustrated - yes - I know you are - and I share your frustration. Somewhere else always sounds better. You would love your beloved Chicago, I would love a nymphomaniac who wanted constant sex all the time. And yet - again - here we are - stuck with the choices we have made - both of us. Another place sounds better, sounds like the answer to everything - but again - here we are. And it some point it all comes down to facing your own writhing guts when there is no place left to turn to - no refuge in sex, drugs, alcohol, mind numbing TV, or medicating junk food. It's just the place they talk about in medication - that numbing silence that can either calm one's mind or send it to the brink of insanity. So my proposal here - as long as we are together - whether that means one more day - one more decade - or an entire lifetime - is to try to make the best of it. Yes - being on your own sounds great. For some single mothers - being on their own - it means working two minimum wage jobs 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, struggling constantly to make ends meet. It is not as glamorous as it sounds. And then add going to school on top of that. Where would this happen? With your family - your supportive family - the same family that does not approve of the way our daughter acts, the same one that always saw you as the black sheep, the same one you will never see eye to eye with? Or with Marlene - the same woman who left you on Thanksgiving with a bowl of cold chili, the same Marlene, almost incapable of taking care of herself, who has never been too patient with children, let alone a difficult one. Is she the answer? Or is it the ideal that it will be on your own - independent of everyone, needing nobody. Can that really work, raising a child? Can any of us really survive on our own.

I know I am far from perfect. I know I may have caused you pain in the past. Maybe every time in the interest of pursuing my own desires you have had to relive an uncomfortable experience that you did not care to re-live. Maybe that has led to simmering rage - to relive and express that simmering rage every time you make a comment like I am leaving you, I would rather be on my own, or look at those old man clothes you wear, or look how incompetent you are compared to my father or my Latin associates - and maybe on some unconscious level those comments that seem filled with rage seem justified to you. I must admit I do feel hurt and pain when you say them. But I think in saying them you are hurting yourself as well. Do you really need to keep saying these things - and better yet do you really mean them? As another song says - can you say what you mean, and do you mean what you say? As the old saying goes, isn't it better to not say anything then to say anything out of spite and hate? I have been trying to spend more time around you lately, but every time I do it seems like one of these comments comes up? Is the answer then, spending less time around each other - and that you are in fact now finally going to move out and live up to what you have been saying you would do for over 10 years now?

Whatever you need to do, you have my support but every day you are around me - I believe both of us need to show mutual respect, and choose not to say the first thing we happen to say or think, just because maybe that is what one of our parents did. You are welcome in my home every moment you want to be here. I made a vow and commitment to God and the government that I would take care of you in times of sickness and health. This is a time of sickness. And I don't believe everything you say, even if I do feel hurt by it. Because 12 years of being around me speaks for itself, even if you have spent a considerable amount of those years stating you wish you were elsewhere. Because I love you as much as I do, I believe if you can be any happier away from me than with me I encourage you to chase that dream before your time does expire. At the same time, I am pretty confident that on the flip side there are many equally valid reasons to stay with me - as despite my shortcomings - shortcomings that have been made clear to me repeatedly and often in not the friendliest manner, I do love you, and will alway support you even in times of sickness. But in the spirt of the Great loving Goddess, Buddha, and every high spirit that we believe in, I ask that in the time we do continue to choose to be around each other, we make every effort to be as kind, loving and compassionate to the other person as possible. As long as we can do this, I believe we are good for each other. But if this is not possible, well - than as long as we are living together, we should make every possible effort to avoid and not be around one another, as this is nothing but hostile, and resentful energy. I can sign up for every possible volunteer effort out of town. We can do all activities completely apart, and avoid each other if we have nothing good to say to each other. Personally - I think we can do better than that.