You don't always show your sweet side

I've seen you in the kitchen cookin' me supper
I listened to you bitchin' I watched you suffer
I still love you baby 'cause I know you
Don't mean to do the cruel things you do
I've seen you sewin' buttons on your shirt
I've seen you throwin' up when your stomach hurt
I'll stick by you baby through thick and thin
No matter what kind of shape you're in

from Sweet Side by Lucinda Williams

This is my point of view from one side of a marriage. It is not right or wrong as it is my perspective and I address this letter to you. I try to write this as objectively as peacefully as possible, even though it would be very easy to turn it into an angry tirade, blame you, say it's all your fault, but since we share this space each other, and chose each other - even right now - at this very moment, time and space - to be around each other - regardless of those I'd really like to be somewhere else thoughts - never mind that - here we are - at this moment - together right now - by mutual choice. Choices have been made - repeatedly. Ever day of the 12 years we have been together we have chosen for one reason or another to stay with each other. And yet for 10 of those 12 years I have heard plans and desires of yours to be other than this place. From the very first "I'm leaving you" about 10 years ago - when I was convinced it was really going to happen, to dozens of dozens more - to the point now when I hear it - in all due respect - I don't really attach much credence to it.

It's not that I don't believe you feel like you mean it when you say it. I completely believe you say it with full belief that you do intend for it to happen. But one problem is - it never does happen. Not to say that I am pushing you to either go or stay. I only want to hold you, I don't want to tie you down - as a certain song says. But it kind of comes down to the old saying - shit or get off the pot. After so many years of hearing this - shit - for lack of a better word - I start to believe it is nothing but - well - shit. And then I feel like someone is crapping all over me. So unless you have immediate plans to put this plan into motion, why do you need to keep telling me this same lie over and over? Frustrated - yes - I know you are - and I share your frustration. Somewhere else always sounds better. You would love your beloved Chicago, I would love a nymphomaniac who wanted constant sex all the time. And yet - again - here we are - stuck with the choices we have made - both of us. Another place sounds better, sounds like the answer to everything - but again - here we are. And it some point it all comes down to facing your own writhing guts when there is no place left to turn to - no refuge in sex, drugs, alcohol, mind numbing TV, or medicating junk food. It's just the place they talk about in medication - that numbing silence that can either calm one's mind or send it to the brink of insanity. So my proposal here - as long as we are together - whether that means one more day - one more decade - or an entire lifetime - is to try to make the best of it. Yes - being on your own sounds great. For some single mothers - being on their own - it means working two minimum wage jobs 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, struggling constantly to make ends meet. It is not as glamorous as it sounds. And then add going to school on top of that. Where would this happen? With your family - your supportive family - the same family that does not approve of the way our daughter acts, the same one that always saw you as the black sheep, the same one you will never see eye to eye with? Or with Marlene - the same woman who left you on Thanksgiving with a bowl of cold chili, the same Marlene, almost incapable of taking care of herself, who has never been too patient with children, let alone a difficult one. Is she the answer? Or is it the ideal that it will be on your own - independent of everyone, needing nobody. Can that really work, raising a child? Can any of us really survive on our own.

I know I am far from perfect. I know I may have caused you pain in the past. Maybe every time in the interest of pursuing my own desires you have had to relive an uncomfortable experience that you did not care to re-live. Maybe that has led to simmering rage - to relive and express that simmering rage every time you make a comment like I am leaving you, I would rather be on my own, or look at those old man clothes you wear, or look how incompetent you are compared to my father or my Latin associates - and maybe on some unconscious level those comments that seem filled with rage seem justified to you. I must admit I do feel hurt and pain when you say them. But I think in saying them you are hurting yourself as well. Do you really need to keep saying these things - and better yet do you really mean them? As another song says - can you say what you mean, and do you mean what you say? As the old saying goes, isn't it better to not say anything then to say anything out of spite and hate? I have been trying to spend more time around you lately, but every time I do it seems like one of these comments comes up? Is the answer then, spending less time around each other - and that you are in fact now finally going to move out and live up to what you have been saying you would do for over 10 years now?

Whatever you need to do, you have my support but every day you are around me - I believe both of us need to show mutual respect, and choose not to say the first thing we happen to say or think, just because maybe that is what one of our parents did. You are welcome in my home every moment you want to be here. I made a vow and commitment to God and the government that I would take care of you in times of sickness and health. This is a time of sickness. And I don't believe everything you say, even if I do feel hurt by it. Because 12 years of being around me speaks for itself, even if you have spent a considerable amount of those years stating you wish you were elsewhere. Because I love you as much as I do, I believe if you can be any happier away from me than with me I encourage you to chase that dream before your time does expire. At the same time, I am pretty confident that on the flip side there are many equally valid reasons to stay with me - as despite my shortcomings - shortcomings that have been made clear to me repeatedly and often in not the friendliest manner, I do love you, and will alway support you even in times of sickness. But in the spirt of the Great loving Goddess, Buddha, and every high spirit that we believe in, I ask that in the time we do continue to choose to be around each other, we make every effort to be as kind, loving and compassionate to the other person as possible. As long as we can do this, I believe we are good for each other. But if this is not possible, well - than as long as we are living together, we should make every possible effort to avoid and not be around one another, as this is nothing but hostile, and resentful energy. I can sign up for every possible volunteer effort out of town. We can do all activities completely apart, and avoid each other if we have nothing good to say to each other. Personally - I think we can do better than that.