...but you may feel a little SICK..
Sometimes I alternate between feeling like I am relatively stable, self-aware and together to the present feeling I have today - like there is quite a nightmare going on in my head that I have not entirely awoken from. I guess in reality I am a little bit of both - stable and unstable. I spent the spring and summer writing on, reflecting, singing about and experiencing a pretty nice state of love - and it works pretty well - ironically enough - when it is just me. Some call that masturbation - well - maybe masturbation is not such a bad thing, whether it is daydreaming a female presence surrounding you or doing what one does while putting on a favorite porn scene. When I am imagining the woman of my dreams next to me, I am doing okay. The problem that arises is when the thin line of fantasy crosses over to an actual female human being. That is when it starts to get pretty fucked up.
I know my anima experience, the experience of the female from a male point of view, has been quite a roller coaster ride ever since it first hit me at age 13. In the past it would go from idolization to eventual rejection and let down, where I would imagine the queen of my dreams as my savior, and maybe I was even hers, only to eventually discover that she was quite the opposite of that, and then quite a bit of anger would be the end result. It would finally dawn on me that the woman I idolized to be a goddess destined to fulfill my every wish and desire was not capable of doing that. Then a lot of dark feelings would result - rage and rejection among others. I can't entirely blame Heather, the gal I worked with in San Diego what seems to be ages ago now, for turning me into her supervisor and nearly ending my glorious claims career about 16 years ago once I reacted to her rejection of me. I know in my study of "borderline" personalities, the experience of the opposite (attracted) sex from one extreme to another is a characteristic - and although categories are limited, I am convinced my mother is about as borderline as they come. This feature of a borderline personality is one I happen to share.
Now though I want to focus on a somewhat more recent phenomenon - an experience which is of particular concern since it seems to be running in my immediate family so to speak - and that experience is that of nausea and disgust. It seems to happen not with a woman who rejects me altogether necessarily - as that was my experience with Heather - but more with a woman who I experience a certain degree of intimacy with - but there is a feeling during the experience that it is not right - like I am sucking in a terrible addictive drug which is not good for me in the long run, but that high is too compelling to walk away from. So - I make my deal with the devil so to speak, I become the vampire and meet up with my own inner parasite experienced through the relationship with an outer being perceived as and playing the role of the outer parasiste . I remember a woman I had a sexual relationship with in San Diego by the name of Raulin - I had some of the most passionate kissing and sex I can ever remember, but it felt wrong the whole time. She was an alcoholic, she completely bought into all of the cheesy aspects of the American culture that I have always rebelled against, she was not someone I could rely on for anything, and she was very flakey. She was someone I never would choose to have as a friend if not for the actual experience of sex. She slowly drove me into a state of frustration and anger and she seemed to thrive on it - as if she was getting back at someone through her experience of me. Finally when she started backing away in her own fear of losing control - when she claimed she was falling love with me and did not want to be, my own anger of all things was the entity that saved me from sinking back into the addiction. I remember screaming into the phone one day that she was either going to come over for once or for all or get the fuck out of my life - and I am sure that by that point she was too freaked out to come on over. I still remember the shaking urination that followed since I was so angry. I almost had a relapse, and she was about to come over for another dose of pleasure about a month or two later, but of all things a very nasty answering message I directed at her personally kept it from happening. She was stringing me along, and called a second time after the first initial call where she was coming over, and low and behold there was that message ripping her apart - calling her an alcoholic in a mocking way - and in being insulting and hurtful to her, I saved myself from my own weakness. Not much longer Victoria came along and she was the first and only woman I have not felt that sense of wrongness with. Of course - she has not been the answer to every single drive and passion of mine either, but that goes with the territory of a stable relationship.
But getting back to Raulin - I would experience these feelings of nausea and disgust, sometimes after I had been with her - sometimes I would associate it with the taste of the lipstick, maybe it was my own knowledge that I was doing something destructive to get my fix. Maybe there is some deep-rooted psychological association from the past that played into it - some unknown trauma I will never know about. There was a song on Dr. Demento called "Your love is like nuclear waste" which I associated with it, even changing around to "your love makes me want to hurl" when I wrote a little number inspired by my feelings. These feelings would be the other extreme of the high - the feeling of ecstasy from sex, coming down to a hangover feeling to of - my God what the hell am I doing and how much am I lowering myself to get a little passion, and how much of this can I take. These sick feelings came again when I had my internet affair a while ago - I would get these incredible rushes at time from contact with this lady, but they were followed by this internal disgust and nausea - sometimes out of guilt, sometimes just feeling like it was plain wrong.
So coming back to the present - I had a girlfriend I lived with for a year, and unfortunately although we were so close on some levels, we were miles apart on other levels. We broke up 13 years ago, but she has stayed in touch with me - the only ex-girlfriend I have who has. Exactly why she continues to contact me is not clear - maybe she thinks it will some day come back, maybe she has decided to blame me for everything that has gone wrong in her life since she expected me to make it all better and always stay with her. Since I was once sexual with her, the sexual association remains and it often is a fantasy for me to re-unite on that level. My wife actually was encouraging this for a while, to take the pressure off her - but the personality issues seem to always flare up - and the pattern seems to be the ex is friendly and charming, than the eventual resentment comes out in the form of criticism of my wife, criticism of me, and mocking sarcastic comments. She actually sent a V-day card with superimposed pictures of us all, with the wife simulating doggie style on me and me going doggie style on the ex - pretty sick and twisted. We stop talking, I tell her off, than she creeps back around (sometimes I am the creep I admit) - time and time again. So when I started feeling some revived feelings, and had some talks with her, all of a sudden - predictably - the attacks were back - and I warned her to stop, but some things are just inevitable - and next thing I know I am writing a pretty nasty and insulting comment to her just letting loose, she writes back that I am the meanest man in the world and never wants to speak to me again - and will consider it "stalking" (of all things) if I write to her again. This happened after feelings of lust and infatuation were setting in - the high is there one day, the next day I am sick to my stomach. On one level I feel bad that I wrote cruel comments to her, on another I feel this cold spot in me - something like that damn bitch had it coming and serves her right for putting me down.
So here I am - back to feeling nauseous - I have felt sick to my stomach all day - did not sleep well last night, left the library bathroom smelling atrocious - and I ask myself - why? Why do I keep falling back into this ugly cycle - with her, with females in general - why does this experience bring out this twisted dark side and leave me in a state where I am so susceptible that the only way I can stop it is by childish rage and hateful insults to deter the other person from being around me. Can't I do better - haven't I reached a point of enlightenment where I am above this now? Well - obviously I haven't. I observe my own thoughts - hey fuck you - you insult me I am going to up the ante - that's what you get for attacking me in the first place. Am I really the creep she says I am, the meanest most disgusting vile person in the world? Maybe so - I can't say I am proud of throwing out a verbal grenade, and yet I know if I have to do it I will. I would much rather prefer to ignore it, act like it does not get to me - but the reality is it does get back to me, I am sucked into this state of infantile rage - and here I am 42 years old acting like an angry child. The cycle repeats once again I'll be tested, maybe some day it won't happen again. Once I realize that the rush - the great sex - the cheesy passion - is something better off lived in dreams than destructive reality, that I don't need someone outside of me to reassure me of my own worthiness, I won't have to keep going through this. It is just like manic-depression - which somehow I have staved off without medication - and it comes with the actual realization that feeling high is not the same as feeling happy, that ultimate happiness comes with a balance of lesser highs and lows, instead of the big high and the big crash. If you feel too good, there will be a price to pay and is the price worth it? In this case, the price could be feeling sick and even losing my family. Do I want that? No - of course not - but the devil so to speak, in the form of a seductive female - always seems to come around and test me from time to time. I am getting closer to moving beyond this - I hope. In the mean time - another dose of Pepto Bimsal please...
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