Carson Tahoe Hospital

Is presently where I am heading. I met with my surgeon today and it looked like April 6 - a week from Monday would be the likely date. Yes there has been this recent bronchitis that has left me feeling winded. Well upon further review - scratch the bronchitis - this is now in fact - pneumonia. Personally I think stress brings on illness. Before I knew my aorta was twice the size it was supposed to be I was doing just fine - exercising, running all over the place, working hard. But once I found out about this shock, my immune system went down with it. It usually takes a real stressful situation to get me real sick. This is my first pneumonia. But also - my first encounter with a heavy duty heart condition. One day I'm perfectly healthy, next day I am on death's bed. The problem now - as the doctor says - as he told me I had to check in - is that the harder I work to take in oxygen, the more out of breath I get, and the harder my heart works and none of it is a real good combination. So I am attached to an oxygen tank now, enjoying a nice drive to Carson City. The doctor wanted me to go in an ambulance but that seemed like overkill and I talked him out of it. So - not sure how long I'll be there or how long any of this will be going on but it will sure be nice to have it done with.

Fever roll up...

to a hundred and five

Roll on up gonna roll back down

One more day

I find myself alive

tomorrow maybe go

beneath the ground

(Robert Hunter - who else?)

It's 2:30 AM and I am not sleeping much, but having slept a lot of today, I'll be ready to "roll back down" in a bit. Since my last post here, I predictably have been through my first wave of anxiety on Friday night that kept me up most of the night. I am ready now though - the doctor was kind of enough to check back on me on Saturday after Victoria called with her concerns about me Friday evening, and prescribe that magical pill - Xanax. Somehow even after hearing the news on Wednesday after the first test I held out hope that the second test would either say something different, or that I could treat this with meds and not surgery. Seems to me that having a "dilated aorta" measured at 6.1 cm and 6.3 cm confirmed over the two tests, and 5.5 being the magic threshold, it is bound to happen. I found a picture of an aorta which I have placed here as frankly enough - I am bad with details and I had long forgotten it from my biology classes many years ago. It is a blood supply line, the size of a garden hose and if it goes you go with it. I believe my widening is somewhere near my heart, as my doctor has hold me my heart is now rubbing with every beat. And this is where a lot of the mind games happen - what exactly needs to be done here? Is it the old fashioned hacksaw through the ribs, or can the procedure be done in a less invasive way? Many questions I don't have the answer to but to parphrase my favorite lyricist - and even draw from the same album as the first quote here - I think in time I will.

And as stress and illness go hand in hand, I now have inherited some kind of horrible cough, headache, and fever this weekend that has kept me in bed for several hours out of each day. I woke up tonight feeling like I was burning up, my clothes covered with sweat, and then took some more of the cough medicine/Ibuprofen combo that has gotten me through this. I seem aware now of everything involving my heart. Even sex - or simulation of it - poses the question - is that going to stress out the aorta too much? Of course anxiety is not good for the heart either, but how can anyone who is not entirely cold blooded not feel some anxiety in facing this? I know - look on the bright side - they caught this before the aorta just got so big it ruptured on its own and did me in - apparently what happened to actor John Ritter. It is not fatal cancer, there has been no death sentence, other than the generic line "all surgery has risks". In some ways I am glad I have been through surgery before - even if it was for a pretty dumb reason - just because I know what to expect. Really all that happens is you lie down - get knocked out - and next thing you know you feel incredibly groggy and thirsty. My doctor told me to expect 3 days in the hospital and 3 weeks of recovery. I have accumulated over 4 weeks of sick time so I should be okay there. Even though I put off doing this test from September, it is spring time now and I have much more encouragement from mother nature than I do in October when I would have been facing this if I had done the test when I was supposed to. So now it's just dealing with this fever/cough, dealing with the mind games, and what ifs. The doctor here recommended what he called a great cardio surgeon - and predictably he is not on the United Health Care list. I wanted the procedure done in Carson City, but I see all the surgeons are listed in Reno, so it may have to happen there.

I don't think "tomorrow maybe go beneath the ground" will happen. I am very confident I will survive this. But even knowing the possibility is there brings an awareness of death that I have not had before. Even in my days of depression when I romanticized death, there was some attraction to going out on my own terms. Now I have a wife and child to support who are not going to do too well without me by my predictions, but on top of that - I feel like I make a difference in my existence. I have a job where sometimes just hearing a sympathetic voice to a person who has lost everything in a fire, or being there to hand over a check does help people out. I feel that the world is a better place with me here. I can't afford to donate tons to charity, but I feel like I bring out a positive energy that is helpful to those who come across me, both professionally and otherwise. I have always imagined the image of the Grim Reaper as one who takes us when it is our time to go. I do not believe it is my time. I have been wrong before, and who really knows when it is coming, but I just don't believe I am going now. And of course - on paper - other than this, I have been busting my ass exercising so my heart is in good shape - all widening aorta issues aside - and I really don't have any other health issues that come into play. So although this is forcing me to face the reality of death, I don't see it happening now. But going through what I've been through this weekend has been a form of dying on its own. So maybe that is helpful to me too.

So now the next road starts - seeing the cardiologist, figuring out who will be the surgeon (they are not one and the same), when will it happen, where will it happen, how many more tests do I need to do. Obviously I'll be very relieved when it's all done. Everyone who has either called or written to support or sent prayers - I very much appreciate that. I do believe there is a power to prayer - regardless of what one does or does not believe in, or regardless of the title of the deity being addressed. I will survive, I will get by as the song says. Just have to take this one step at a time.

Broken heart don't feel so bad

... you ain't got half of what you thought you had. (Robert Hunter)

I am 43 and I consider myself relatively healthy. I have exercised religiously for over half of my life and belonged to some kind of gym where I aim for an hour of cardio at least 4-5 days a week. I can't say I eat perfectly, but feel like I get my share of fruits and veggies and am conscientious of eating well, even though I will never give up chocolate, sweets, or desserts. Sure I stress from time to time, maybe I raise my voice and freak out over things that dont' warrant it - maybe I could use a bit of alcohol from time to time, even though I can't drink - and maye I could stand to lose 20 pounds - but all things considered I thought I was pretty healthy. If anything, at least I thought my heart was in good shape. When I went in for my physical, my doctor said there was a heart murmur going on and thought about it before ordering an echocardiogram. Well, his office never followed up, and I did what anyone would do with a used up health savings account kicking in at the beginning of the year - I put it off. Then I was whirlwinded through Portland for almost a month, and another week in Salt Lake put me out of state for a good chunk of the first two months. Finally I decided when my wife was getting her stress test to stop putting it off and get it done.

It is a little intimidating - walking into a hospital - checking out what may be one of the most important parts of your body. I waited - and waited - and waited - after signing in - before I was finally called up to the front and seen about an hour after I arrived - but no big deal - the day was open. The lady doing the test was nice - I had my shirt off, laying upon my left side, as she took a round ball device and rubbed it around my chest with some lubricant jelly paving the way for this. It was a little alarming when she called in another tech to assist - but heck - maybe she was struggling with something. It seemed like although I was relaxed on one level - close to even falling asleep on the pillow - another side of me wanted to just hear - okay - everything's fine - looking great - be on your way. But as the test dragged on - and the cardiologist, barely acknowledging me at all - came in with a scowl on his face - and said something like set up a case and call his doctor - it started to become clear that this was going to be a bit more involved than I thought it was going to be. When it finally ended - although mum was the word - the first tech told me more testing was definitely going to be needed and I would have to see my doctor. Okay - well - maybe this is not what I thought. But I hadn't felt anything, had I? Okay maybe some chest pain that came and went and didn't really stand out as anything more than a slight ache or cramp, but nothing that really stood out in my mind. The doctor would see me in a week to discuss as I called his office to set up an appointment.

So hearing from him a few hours later with a somewhat urgent sound to his voice was not too assuring. Then he said more tests were needed IMMEDIATELY - and my one week out was changing to 2 days out. Why hadn't I done the test when he told me to - well - the excuses - you know - his office hadn't followed up, I procrastinated, etc. I asked him so - like does this mean I am going to get a heart attack? He said not a heart attack, but what he described as a widened aortic valve - would put me at risk for an aneurism, which could be just as fatal. I don't even know what the heck this is - I have to look it up. What about my trips to the gym? Stop for now. And I am thinking - great - who knows how long this has gone on and hear I've stressed out my fragile heart with exercise, pressure filled trips to handle claims around the clock into emotional whirlwinds and hotbeds up north - and the whole time I've had a heart ready to go off like a time bomb? It seems surreal - hard to take in. On one level - my God - is this really happening to me. But the whole time - a very strong feeling that I'll be okay - this is okay - I'll get through it and - the feeling I've always had that someone or thing is watching over me and protecting me - stronger than ever.

Today I walked outside - did not hit the gym- and just concentrated on nice even walking - like floating - not moving too fast - just deliberate meditational walking and taking everything in. Who knows when each day will be our last - is this the day of my departure? At some point this day will be that day. But a very strong feeling - again - no - I have much to do in this realm, I am not leaving any time soon. Faith - not even that I am looking for - finding me. What happens now after the testing tomorrow and the meeting with the doc - medication, surgery - maybe.. but - whatever the powers that be are sending my way - let them send it. I will be okay. And there is no way not to be okay. Even if I am dying, that's okay too. I'd prefer to live - be there to take care of my wife and daughter, but if it's my time to go - so be it. No way to lose here. Hell - no more worries about paying the mortgage, getting sued by a neighbor, losing my house, having mold in the crawlspace, going bankrupt, getting laid again - hell - none of that matters when you are dead. Death does have its advantages. So God - great spirit - whatever you are - I believe in you more so than ever. Whatever you have in store for me, whatever your plan is for me - I am here to live it out until the day you call me back. Life does not end on that day - it just shifts forms.

You keep me up just one more night...

I can't stay much longer, Melinda
The sun is getting high
I can't help you with your troubles
If you won't help with mine
I gotta get down I gotta get down
Got to get down to the mine

You keep me up just one more night
I can't sleep here no more
Little Ben clock says quarter to eight
You kept me up till four

(Robert Hunter - Cumberland Blues)


Okay there it is - her name - almost spelled correctly - the lady I have developed a crush on but a crush which is starting to kind of fade a bit over time. Two songs performed by the Dead have this name and I already quoted the other one previously. The more you get to know someone the more you start to see a side which is not very flattering. And the whole reason the crush started to begin with - in my case a kind of inherent assumption that the involved party has mutual feelings - and even that as of now is starting to become a great big ? Here my relationship with my wife is going on near 13 years and I wonder why I keep going through this. Over the time I have been married it has been the Viola Blues, a resurging interest in my previous g/f, a lady from the internet that managed to send me into lala land with typed words, a gal from my gym - and now the last one I've mentioned - and I wonder why my heart seems to have to spill all over the place. Some could say I don't have a good relationship at home but I don't know if it's that simple. Victoria and I are now in the hit and miss phase with sex - sometimes it's great but in between times it may be weeks or even months before it happens. Last time I tried I couldn't even succeed. I can't force it any more - it is either going to happen naturally, or the car just won't get started. Call it middle ages, call it being too familiar with someone, call it lack of inspiration - frankly I don't know what the hell to call it. Still - I am on the same wavelength with her - whether she admits it or not - on many issues - we have similar philosophies, spiritual views, can read the same books, we both share the "outsider" thing, we're both somewhat deep thinkers and she is my best friend. Living with someone isn't easy and there is always tension but overall I think what I have with Victoria - since it is going on 13 years now - probably longer than the natural lifespan of a relationship - but as relationships go - is pretty special in its own way. I know there are couples who are doing better in the bedroom - but then I know of individuals who have had nothing happening at all for years - basically living a celibate lifestyle - often by default more than by choice - so as it all goes maybe I fall somewhere in the middle. But one thing V and I do agree on is that monogamy is not a natural state. It is natural that over time the heart is going to gravitate elsewhere. I don't see anything wrong with it - although frankly it can be a bit of a pain in the ass at times. It would be much easier if I could just pull my heart back into my chest, save myself the time and energy, and just let the energy of my songs and images of some magical female anima "Goddess" entity - which has come up quite a bit in my lyrics lately - just take care of everything - but unfortunately a real life person always falls in the mix. And usually over time it becomes clear that the wait and see approach is much better than acting on the temptation.

Renee - the last lady who I felt it to such an intense degree - about 4 years ago - who I met through the gasbuddy site - is now someone I feel absolutely nothing toward. In fact - when I look back at her and see who she is - pretty much a lost soul whose mother abused her and father left home at an early age, she is a woman approaching 40 trapped in the mind of a pubescent teenager and she is looking for that love thrill fix which happens at the beginning but can never last and once it dies down she is moving on to the next one. It would have been great for a while, but would it have been worth ending the stability of my marriage - and losing my daughter in the process - well - probably not. I would have ended up with nothing. And even though in theory we like to think that we could "explore" here and come back, I don't know if in reality that would turn out well.

If there is an apparent common theme in the ladies I am drawn to they are all usually - in so many words "basket cases". My wife definitely has her issues - but - she has been the most stable of them all and that is why we have lasted so long. I always say she is the most stable unstable woman I know. But these others - it would be much more of a crapshoot to actually get involved with them for a few incredible nights that would have a very high price tag attached to them. It would be nice if I could just shut down that side of my heart, but - well - I don't know - it is not that simple. A dude at my gym says it shows I still have a pulse - since I am drawn to other women still. Yeah - maybe - but if it was up to me I would shut it down because usually more trouble than it's worth. Still - when it does happen - and the anima highs take hold - it feels like a part of my soul that has been neglected is being nourished. The sun shines brighter, the mountains seem more alive, and I feel energized, charged and loved. I feel magical. The dream I had with the last one - where she was holding me - was very inspiring. When I capture these feelings in my songs - and sometimes they can happen without a present encounter happening - I can feel the same thing - some times - but usually it is based on the past summation of experiences with real life women, and I cannot successfully just create them without some thought of an involved party, although I am working on that. So that side of it - the joy, the charge - feels good.

It is always the down side which is a drag - when the reality sets in - that the lady I am drawn to presently is - well - in so many words - a sinking ship who cannot provide me with much of anything when the reality sets in. Getting to the present one - she has opened a side of herself up to me, but another side of her is off limits. She may be completely down to earth on one level, but very much inaccessible in other ways. I may have an hour long discussion with her where I am hearing her problems - her own battles with her inner demons - where her need for approval - meets up with a critical encounter that sends her into a tailspin - and I am trying to be there and be supportive. Maybe after the discussion I want to fix her and help her so much - that as the quoted song says - I am up that night - not sleeping well - and trying to find the words of inspiration to soothe her and calm her. And at some point she may express great appreciation over my efforts. But then - like a steam locomotive - rolling down the track - she's gone - and nothing's going to bring her back - and then I am left with the reality that there is nothing of substance here. As her ship is sinking, she is grasping for anyone or anything to hold onto - and I am not the only one - one apparently of several anyways. As her pattern continues, it is clear that my advice and suggestions can only go so far, and she is incredibly stubborn and her own self-destructive energy - addictive to some degree - is going to win out. So I think she draws me in with a little bit of subtle flirting to get some needed attention - but then moves on to the next victim and at this point I am highly doubtful that what I perceived to be an actual attraction or interest in me is there. That is how I interpreted it initially but no longer - and when I don' think that is there the whole thing fizzles out like a balloon. And I want to come to the rescue - be that knight in shining armor - the ultimate cheesy fantasy - say the right words, do the right thing to inspire her and have her fall into my arms and gratitude and live happily ever after - as ridiculous as that sounds in hindsight. But as reality eventually sets in - you realize - the only person you can ever really hope to rescue is yourself - and I still am in need of rescuing myself. Maybe I can be there some of the time for her, but turn it around - can she be there for me - or for anyone else for that matter. Everyone in her life seems to be grasping for her - her boyfriend - her son - and she is always using her workaholic energy as an excuse or means to distance from them. And if she can't be there for them, why in hell would I want to think she can be there on any level for me? She can't even be there for herself. In so many words - I can see she is "circling the drain" and there isn't really much I can do about it. I really can't help her with her troubles - and then she can't help with mine either. I can pray and then I just have to let it go - twisting a Lennon lyric around. My own energy is used up trying to help her - and it doesn't help her - and then we are back where we started.

So - again - as that inevitable reality sets in - here I am. Why does this have to keep happening- I don't know - it just does. One thing I have learned is that when it does it is better to wait as long as possible - to wait and see - because they longer you wait the more you start to see that how it appears in the beginning is not the same as how it appears in the end. Everything passes over time and pretty soon that mythological fairy tale princess becomes just an ordinary being - who farts, craps, and even pukes the way we all do. The anima energy is like food - it is necessary to feed the soul - and however it can be generated - I do believe it has to be there. But actually going for the physical affair - in this monogamistic world - for right or wrong - is not something I can rule out happening - but the thought of it should be approached with extreme caution. There are two females in my house that mean everything to me and to do anything to risk my continued relationship with them is something that I could live to regret for a long time.