Fever roll up...

to a hundred and five

Roll on up gonna roll back down

One more day

I find myself alive

tomorrow maybe go

beneath the ground

(Robert Hunter - who else?)

It's 2:30 AM and I am not sleeping much, but having slept a lot of today, I'll be ready to "roll back down" in a bit. Since my last post here, I predictably have been through my first wave of anxiety on Friday night that kept me up most of the night. I am ready now though - the doctor was kind of enough to check back on me on Saturday after Victoria called with her concerns about me Friday evening, and prescribe that magical pill - Xanax. Somehow even after hearing the news on Wednesday after the first test I held out hope that the second test would either say something different, or that I could treat this with meds and not surgery. Seems to me that having a "dilated aorta" measured at 6.1 cm and 6.3 cm confirmed over the two tests, and 5.5 being the magic threshold, it is bound to happen. I found a picture of an aorta which I have placed here as frankly enough - I am bad with details and I had long forgotten it from my biology classes many years ago. It is a blood supply line, the size of a garden hose and if it goes you go with it. I believe my widening is somewhere near my heart, as my doctor has hold me my heart is now rubbing with every beat. And this is where a lot of the mind games happen - what exactly needs to be done here? Is it the old fashioned hacksaw through the ribs, or can the procedure be done in a less invasive way? Many questions I don't have the answer to but to parphrase my favorite lyricist - and even draw from the same album as the first quote here - I think in time I will.

And as stress and illness go hand in hand, I now have inherited some kind of horrible cough, headache, and fever this weekend that has kept me in bed for several hours out of each day. I woke up tonight feeling like I was burning up, my clothes covered with sweat, and then took some more of the cough medicine/Ibuprofen combo that has gotten me through this. I seem aware now of everything involving my heart. Even sex - or simulation of it - poses the question - is that going to stress out the aorta too much? Of course anxiety is not good for the heart either, but how can anyone who is not entirely cold blooded not feel some anxiety in facing this? I know - look on the bright side - they caught this before the aorta just got so big it ruptured on its own and did me in - apparently what happened to actor John Ritter. It is not fatal cancer, there has been no death sentence, other than the generic line "all surgery has risks". In some ways I am glad I have been through surgery before - even if it was for a pretty dumb reason - just because I know what to expect. Really all that happens is you lie down - get knocked out - and next thing you know you feel incredibly groggy and thirsty. My doctor told me to expect 3 days in the hospital and 3 weeks of recovery. I have accumulated over 4 weeks of sick time so I should be okay there. Even though I put off doing this test from September, it is spring time now and I have much more encouragement from mother nature than I do in October when I would have been facing this if I had done the test when I was supposed to. So now it's just dealing with this fever/cough, dealing with the mind games, and what ifs. The doctor here recommended what he called a great cardio surgeon - and predictably he is not on the United Health Care list. I wanted the procedure done in Carson City, but I see all the surgeons are listed in Reno, so it may have to happen there.

I don't think "tomorrow maybe go beneath the ground" will happen. I am very confident I will survive this. But even knowing the possibility is there brings an awareness of death that I have not had before. Even in my days of depression when I romanticized death, there was some attraction to going out on my own terms. Now I have a wife and child to support who are not going to do too well without me by my predictions, but on top of that - I feel like I make a difference in my existence. I have a job where sometimes just hearing a sympathetic voice to a person who has lost everything in a fire, or being there to hand over a check does help people out. I feel that the world is a better place with me here. I can't afford to donate tons to charity, but I feel like I bring out a positive energy that is helpful to those who come across me, both professionally and otherwise. I have always imagined the image of the Grim Reaper as one who takes us when it is our time to go. I do not believe it is my time. I have been wrong before, and who really knows when it is coming, but I just don't believe I am going now. And of course - on paper - other than this, I have been busting my ass exercising so my heart is in good shape - all widening aorta issues aside - and I really don't have any other health issues that come into play. So although this is forcing me to face the reality of death, I don't see it happening now. But going through what I've been through this weekend has been a form of dying on its own. So maybe that is helpful to me too.

So now the next road starts - seeing the cardiologist, figuring out who will be the surgeon (they are not one and the same), when will it happen, where will it happen, how many more tests do I need to do. Obviously I'll be very relieved when it's all done. Everyone who has either called or written to support or sent prayers - I very much appreciate that. I do believe there is a power to prayer - regardless of what one does or does not believe in, or regardless of the title of the deity being addressed. I will survive, I will get by as the song says. Just have to take this one step at a time.