You keep me up just one more night...

I can't stay much longer, Melinda
The sun is getting high
I can't help you with your troubles
If you won't help with mine
I gotta get down I gotta get down
Got to get down to the mine

You keep me up just one more night
I can't sleep here no more
Little Ben clock says quarter to eight
You kept me up till four

(Robert Hunter - Cumberland Blues)


Okay there it is - her name - almost spelled correctly - the lady I have developed a crush on but a crush which is starting to kind of fade a bit over time. Two songs performed by the Dead have this name and I already quoted the other one previously. The more you get to know someone the more you start to see a side which is not very flattering. And the whole reason the crush started to begin with - in my case a kind of inherent assumption that the involved party has mutual feelings - and even that as of now is starting to become a great big ? Here my relationship with my wife is going on near 13 years and I wonder why I keep going through this. Over the time I have been married it has been the Viola Blues, a resurging interest in my previous g/f, a lady from the internet that managed to send me into lala land with typed words, a gal from my gym - and now the last one I've mentioned - and I wonder why my heart seems to have to spill all over the place. Some could say I don't have a good relationship at home but I don't know if it's that simple. Victoria and I are now in the hit and miss phase with sex - sometimes it's great but in between times it may be weeks or even months before it happens. Last time I tried I couldn't even succeed. I can't force it any more - it is either going to happen naturally, or the car just won't get started. Call it middle ages, call it being too familiar with someone, call it lack of inspiration - frankly I don't know what the hell to call it. Still - I am on the same wavelength with her - whether she admits it or not - on many issues - we have similar philosophies, spiritual views, can read the same books, we both share the "outsider" thing, we're both somewhat deep thinkers and she is my best friend. Living with someone isn't easy and there is always tension but overall I think what I have with Victoria - since it is going on 13 years now - probably longer than the natural lifespan of a relationship - but as relationships go - is pretty special in its own way. I know there are couples who are doing better in the bedroom - but then I know of individuals who have had nothing happening at all for years - basically living a celibate lifestyle - often by default more than by choice - so as it all goes maybe I fall somewhere in the middle. But one thing V and I do agree on is that monogamy is not a natural state. It is natural that over time the heart is going to gravitate elsewhere. I don't see anything wrong with it - although frankly it can be a bit of a pain in the ass at times. It would be much easier if I could just pull my heart back into my chest, save myself the time and energy, and just let the energy of my songs and images of some magical female anima "Goddess" entity - which has come up quite a bit in my lyrics lately - just take care of everything - but unfortunately a real life person always falls in the mix. And usually over time it becomes clear that the wait and see approach is much better than acting on the temptation.

Renee - the last lady who I felt it to such an intense degree - about 4 years ago - who I met through the gasbuddy site - is now someone I feel absolutely nothing toward. In fact - when I look back at her and see who she is - pretty much a lost soul whose mother abused her and father left home at an early age, she is a woman approaching 40 trapped in the mind of a pubescent teenager and she is looking for that love thrill fix which happens at the beginning but can never last and once it dies down she is moving on to the next one. It would have been great for a while, but would it have been worth ending the stability of my marriage - and losing my daughter in the process - well - probably not. I would have ended up with nothing. And even though in theory we like to think that we could "explore" here and come back, I don't know if in reality that would turn out well.

If there is an apparent common theme in the ladies I am drawn to they are all usually - in so many words "basket cases". My wife definitely has her issues - but - she has been the most stable of them all and that is why we have lasted so long. I always say she is the most stable unstable woman I know. But these others - it would be much more of a crapshoot to actually get involved with them for a few incredible nights that would have a very high price tag attached to them. It would be nice if I could just shut down that side of my heart, but - well - I don't know - it is not that simple. A dude at my gym says it shows I still have a pulse - since I am drawn to other women still. Yeah - maybe - but if it was up to me I would shut it down because usually more trouble than it's worth. Still - when it does happen - and the anima highs take hold - it feels like a part of my soul that has been neglected is being nourished. The sun shines brighter, the mountains seem more alive, and I feel energized, charged and loved. I feel magical. The dream I had with the last one - where she was holding me - was very inspiring. When I capture these feelings in my songs - and sometimes they can happen without a present encounter happening - I can feel the same thing - some times - but usually it is based on the past summation of experiences with real life women, and I cannot successfully just create them without some thought of an involved party, although I am working on that. So that side of it - the joy, the charge - feels good.

It is always the down side which is a drag - when the reality sets in - that the lady I am drawn to presently is - well - in so many words - a sinking ship who cannot provide me with much of anything when the reality sets in. Getting to the present one - she has opened a side of herself up to me, but another side of her is off limits. She may be completely down to earth on one level, but very much inaccessible in other ways. I may have an hour long discussion with her where I am hearing her problems - her own battles with her inner demons - where her need for approval - meets up with a critical encounter that sends her into a tailspin - and I am trying to be there and be supportive. Maybe after the discussion I want to fix her and help her so much - that as the quoted song says - I am up that night - not sleeping well - and trying to find the words of inspiration to soothe her and calm her. And at some point she may express great appreciation over my efforts. But then - like a steam locomotive - rolling down the track - she's gone - and nothing's going to bring her back - and then I am left with the reality that there is nothing of substance here. As her ship is sinking, she is grasping for anyone or anything to hold onto - and I am not the only one - one apparently of several anyways. As her pattern continues, it is clear that my advice and suggestions can only go so far, and she is incredibly stubborn and her own self-destructive energy - addictive to some degree - is going to win out. So I think she draws me in with a little bit of subtle flirting to get some needed attention - but then moves on to the next victim and at this point I am highly doubtful that what I perceived to be an actual attraction or interest in me is there. That is how I interpreted it initially but no longer - and when I don' think that is there the whole thing fizzles out like a balloon. And I want to come to the rescue - be that knight in shining armor - the ultimate cheesy fantasy - say the right words, do the right thing to inspire her and have her fall into my arms and gratitude and live happily ever after - as ridiculous as that sounds in hindsight. But as reality eventually sets in - you realize - the only person you can ever really hope to rescue is yourself - and I still am in need of rescuing myself. Maybe I can be there some of the time for her, but turn it around - can she be there for me - or for anyone else for that matter. Everyone in her life seems to be grasping for her - her boyfriend - her son - and she is always using her workaholic energy as an excuse or means to distance from them. And if she can't be there for them, why in hell would I want to think she can be there on any level for me? She can't even be there for herself. In so many words - I can see she is "circling the drain" and there isn't really much I can do about it. I really can't help her with her troubles - and then she can't help with mine either. I can pray and then I just have to let it go - twisting a Lennon lyric around. My own energy is used up trying to help her - and it doesn't help her - and then we are back where we started.

So - again - as that inevitable reality sets in - here I am. Why does this have to keep happening- I don't know - it just does. One thing I have learned is that when it does it is better to wait as long as possible - to wait and see - because they longer you wait the more you start to see that how it appears in the beginning is not the same as how it appears in the end. Everything passes over time and pretty soon that mythological fairy tale princess becomes just an ordinary being - who farts, craps, and even pukes the way we all do. The anima energy is like food - it is necessary to feed the soul - and however it can be generated - I do believe it has to be there. But actually going for the physical affair - in this monogamistic world - for right or wrong - is not something I can rule out happening - but the thought of it should be approached with extreme caution. There are two females in my house that mean everything to me and to do anything to risk my continued relationship with them is something that I could live to regret for a long time.