Broken heart don't feel so bad

... you ain't got half of what you thought you had. (Robert Hunter)

I am 43 and I consider myself relatively healthy. I have exercised religiously for over half of my life and belonged to some kind of gym where I aim for an hour of cardio at least 4-5 days a week. I can't say I eat perfectly, but feel like I get my share of fruits and veggies and am conscientious of eating well, even though I will never give up chocolate, sweets, or desserts. Sure I stress from time to time, maybe I raise my voice and freak out over things that dont' warrant it - maybe I could use a bit of alcohol from time to time, even though I can't drink - and maye I could stand to lose 20 pounds - but all things considered I thought I was pretty healthy. If anything, at least I thought my heart was in good shape. When I went in for my physical, my doctor said there was a heart murmur going on and thought about it before ordering an echocardiogram. Well, his office never followed up, and I did what anyone would do with a used up health savings account kicking in at the beginning of the year - I put it off. Then I was whirlwinded through Portland for almost a month, and another week in Salt Lake put me out of state for a good chunk of the first two months. Finally I decided when my wife was getting her stress test to stop putting it off and get it done.

It is a little intimidating - walking into a hospital - checking out what may be one of the most important parts of your body. I waited - and waited - and waited - after signing in - before I was finally called up to the front and seen about an hour after I arrived - but no big deal - the day was open. The lady doing the test was nice - I had my shirt off, laying upon my left side, as she took a round ball device and rubbed it around my chest with some lubricant jelly paving the way for this. It was a little alarming when she called in another tech to assist - but heck - maybe she was struggling with something. It seemed like although I was relaxed on one level - close to even falling asleep on the pillow - another side of me wanted to just hear - okay - everything's fine - looking great - be on your way. But as the test dragged on - and the cardiologist, barely acknowledging me at all - came in with a scowl on his face - and said something like set up a case and call his doctor - it started to become clear that this was going to be a bit more involved than I thought it was going to be. When it finally ended - although mum was the word - the first tech told me more testing was definitely going to be needed and I would have to see my doctor. Okay - well - maybe this is not what I thought. But I hadn't felt anything, had I? Okay maybe some chest pain that came and went and didn't really stand out as anything more than a slight ache or cramp, but nothing that really stood out in my mind. The doctor would see me in a week to discuss as I called his office to set up an appointment.

So hearing from him a few hours later with a somewhat urgent sound to his voice was not too assuring. Then he said more tests were needed IMMEDIATELY - and my one week out was changing to 2 days out. Why hadn't I done the test when he told me to - well - the excuses - you know - his office hadn't followed up, I procrastinated, etc. I asked him so - like does this mean I am going to get a heart attack? He said not a heart attack, but what he described as a widened aortic valve - would put me at risk for an aneurism, which could be just as fatal. I don't even know what the heck this is - I have to look it up. What about my trips to the gym? Stop for now. And I am thinking - great - who knows how long this has gone on and hear I've stressed out my fragile heart with exercise, pressure filled trips to handle claims around the clock into emotional whirlwinds and hotbeds up north - and the whole time I've had a heart ready to go off like a time bomb? It seems surreal - hard to take in. On one level - my God - is this really happening to me. But the whole time - a very strong feeling that I'll be okay - this is okay - I'll get through it and - the feeling I've always had that someone or thing is watching over me and protecting me - stronger than ever.

Today I walked outside - did not hit the gym- and just concentrated on nice even walking - like floating - not moving too fast - just deliberate meditational walking and taking everything in. Who knows when each day will be our last - is this the day of my departure? At some point this day will be that day. But a very strong feeling - again - no - I have much to do in this realm, I am not leaving any time soon. Faith - not even that I am looking for - finding me. What happens now after the testing tomorrow and the meeting with the doc - medication, surgery - maybe.. but - whatever the powers that be are sending my way - let them send it. I will be okay. And there is no way not to be okay. Even if I am dying, that's okay too. I'd prefer to live - be there to take care of my wife and daughter, but if it's my time to go - so be it. No way to lose here. Hell - no more worries about paying the mortgage, getting sued by a neighbor, losing my house, having mold in the crawlspace, going bankrupt, getting laid again - hell - none of that matters when you are dead. Death does have its advantages. So God - great spirit - whatever you are - I believe in you more so than ever. Whatever you have in store for me, whatever your plan is for me - I am here to live it out until the day you call me back. Life does not end on that day - it just shifts forms.