Nobody right, nobody wrong

Nobody right, nobody wrong is a song by Michael Franti that echoes my beliefs. I wrote one along the same lines many years ago called the And Man - meaning essentially it is not one or the other, it is not either I am right or you are wrong - it means right AND wrong can exist together, not one or the other - our beliefs can co-exist together...

I believe that what I believe is not necessarily what you have to believe
I believe I need to find my way and my path to connect with God - the great spirit - whatever you want to call him/her - to find my highest potential
I believe your path may be a different way to the top of the mountain but as long as we can meet at the top, that is all that matters
I believe when an atheist tells a Christian he/she is wrong, or a Christian does the same to a respective atheist, that both of them are missing the point
I believe the portion of the 10 commandments that condemns "false gods" and portions of any other religious book - the portion that imposes a death sentence or a hell sentence for someone who believes a differing point of view is nothing but divisive
I believe all religions and peoples should be able to co-exist together and unite in their similarities instead of fighting over their difference
I believe that I am going to die some day and never will come back
I also believe that in a spiritual sense I have been alive forever and will live forever
I believe that atheists are right and there is no God in the traditional sense
I believe that when I think of God I believe that I am God and that every living thing together and collectively is God and/or the Goddess - the male and female side of the same life force
I believe in evolution and I believe God is evolving along with us
I do not believe in a God who sits in the sky and judges, watches and manipulates
I believe God is here with us and living our lives through us
I believe that Jesus Christ was the Lord and Savior, but not the only one
I believe Jesus Christ was the son of God
I believe I am also the son of God, along with 5 billion other sons and daughters of God
I believe in Moses, Abraham, Mohahmmad, Zeus, Elijah, Aphrodites, Pan, the devil and every living and breathing spiritual entity that has ever been believed in
I believe in logic, faith, science, math, medicine, shamanism, superstition, heaven and hell and that all of these exist simultaneously in our present state of existence
I believe that whatever comes next after our death is intended to be, whether that be a spirit form, re-incarnation, or eternal stillness and rest
I believe that the stage that it all comes down to is happening now in the present moment
I believe that for humans and animals to live together as brothers, sisters, and family works a lot better than for us to live in eternal hatred, strife, and conflict
I believe that accepting and becoming one with the world around me is a better alternative than one of domination and exploitation
I believe that there is nothing higher than breathing a breath of fresh air, or drinking a drop of pure water
I believe that love is a state of mind - and that once I connect with the great Goddess of love, nurturing, and warmth - she will always be with me
I believe that I can always live in a state of being in love, even if I am not acting out the drama of being in love with my wife or partner
I believe that the key to happiness is drinking in the spirit like a steady stream of water - not the empty river banks of depression or the roaring waterfall of mania, but a constant steady glass to be taken steadily, constantly and lovingly
I believe that when you work hard enough and look deep enough into your soul and pay your dues, that fear and sadness are a choice and not a necessity
I believe that we are here to be happy and happiness is available to any one of us who seeks it out through whatever spiritual path they choose
I believe that drugs, alcohol, sex, materialism and money in themselves are not evil, but by themselves they cannot bring happiness - even though they can do a good job of pretending to do this
I believe that a clear heart, good intentions, spiritual connection and constant work at one's faith are the keys to happiness
I believe that our loved ones and families give meanings to our lives
I believe that beyond our immediate family is the human family, the animal family, and the all living being family that we all belong to
I believe that I am never alone, even if I appear to be alone
I believe that as a cell in the body of God/dess that I have billions of companions
I believe that the power of prayer is the power of intent and that prayer does make things happen
I believe the power of prayer has kept our planet in tact, even if that planet of ours appears to be up against the ropes
I believe that the world can be whatever we want it to be, not the one we see on the television or news or history books
I believe that the purpose of my life is to use all of the powers of my spirit to make the world a loving and beautiful place
I am grateful that I am alive and am in a position to live out the rest of my days pursuing my dreams and spiritual purpose
I leave this writing in love, hope and bathed in the warmth of blessings

Any world that I'm welcome to

Hard to believe a month between posts. One of the differences between blog identities is that for some reason I felt compelled to say something every week there, and over here it just comes out when it is ready to. This subject is one I have thought about for a while - especially since stumbling upon a book I have really enjoyed halfway through it called Traveling Between the Worlds - a discussion with contemporary Shaman types from all religious backgrounds, including even a Rabbi. As far as the song "Any world that I'm welcome to"-- the book and song share the "world" word - but the next line in the song is a bit of a downer being "is better than the one I come from" and even implies thoughts of escape bordering on suicide. As a recovering suicidal person myself, I understand the draw of wanting to go to another world away from the one you come from. But - a good 22 years later - I now see that one world is not necessarily exclusive to the other, and if you can travel between them - as in the title of the book - you can bring back the treasures of one and return with them to the other.

Some of this book is a little far out - even for me. One dude claims he can morph into a chair, and while I can't rule anything out in life, I am scientifically oriented enough to be just a little bit skeptical. Other claims though - that people can use the power of their minds to heal themselves or others from medically claimed death sentences - seem much more tangible to me, although they may be a stretch to many. I do believe that science and the spiritual can exist together, side by side, without one having to rule out the other. Evolution and science can exist in one place, God and the spirit can exist in another and if the key is found they can both compliment each other without one being too far out for the other. I think they make a good balance as long as one does not go too far in one direction. If I go complete guru mystic and deny my body the essentials - food, water, sleep - I am pretty convinced I am going to fuck myself up. At the same time - to go to the extreme of an atheist mother of kids our daughter's age - to the point where she combines her scientific knowledge with an atheistic neurotic terror - then you can live in a world of faithless doubt and spiritless emptiness - which is almost equivalent to living in a coffin while you are still alive.

The key to everything in life is balance. I should know as a once diagnosed "bipolar" who experienced the two extremes of depression and mania. This is something that I believe I have successfully dealt with without resorting to psychiatric medication, and although I still have some downer times and feelings of being a little on the high side, I seem to function and carry on in my designated role in society in spite of them by being able to tune out either one when necessary and just do my job to support us all here. I have a scientific skeptical side that dominated my first half of my life, and it was only until I started feeling like I was inspired by a spiritual silent "voice" for a lack of a better word, and experienced some ecstatic spiritual moments at Grateful Dead shows and my own music, that I realized I could not deny a spiritual faith that was "something new and waiting be born" to quote a song called Crazy Fingers. My scientific side keeps me constantly questioning everything and never taking anything at face value, but my faith is the flame within that motivates me to go on living, to carry on in the often difficult role of husband and father, and to hopefully bring back and share some of the magic I find within my own faith. As the book and many others point out - we live in a spiritually bankrupt time. True there are Christian religious fundamentalists out there, but their own need to impose their will upon others and convert people to their way of thinking, and declare war on others who do not agree - suggests a fix of some sorts that is not secure in faith - because to my way of thinking, once you really believe in something it does not matter what others believe and it is not considered a threat if others believe something differently. On a real deep level, you start to see the similarities in faiths, and not dwell on the differences.

So - now on to my direct experience with all this. Ever since I have moved closed to a certain group of mountains - one being the documented "Ass-hole Mountain" and the other being a set of mountains called the Pine Nut range featuring Rawe Peak, it seems like I have really tuned in on this force. Like I said, I had experienced it at Grateful Dead shows, I had been flooded with it during my manic Estimated Prophet time at UCSD, but it was never really something I could hold for very long, to go back to another song, Stella Blue. There has been something about reaching a certain amount of maturity, having lived 42 years now - where I can tune in and focus on the good stuff, without sinking back into a crashing suicidal depression as with the manic time, or requiring a heavy duty rock and roll collective mystical experience as I did with the Dead. My key has been going within and going straight to the heart of the matter, and creating an inner world to bring me to an enchanted place where I often find lacking items in my outer world.

Now this other world so to speak is subjective. From a scientific point of view, or even a Freudian, it could be considered a fantasy, a neurosis, or a delusion. As the first Shaman in the book points out, talking to God is praying, but him talking back is schizophrenia. Why are mystical experiences equivalent with mental disease in our society, when the lack of them contributes to so many destructive addictions? From a mystical point of view, who is to say how real that world is - compared to the world we consider to be "reality". Who is to say how much more real a dream is than a waking experience - because to a certain degree it is all a dream - our brain creates an experience based on a perceived reality, but reality is limited to perception to begin with. If I tell myself I am imagining it - even if I am - it kind of takes something away. So for the magic to really set in - you really have to believe in the power of your imagination - believe that what is happening is real - for it to really work. Like the light dancing on my arm during a song I recorded on My Space - whatever the scientific explanation is, I like the ghost explanation better because on a synchronistic level, it seems to work better than the pure dry science of the reflective light. And again who is to say that they can't both be there - the scientific and the mystical, with one reflected in the other.

So for me - I choose to call both worlds real so that they both work, and one does not have to dominate the other. What you believe manifests itself. I turned to a woman inside of me that I called "Sondra" although now I have a fundamentalist nasty neighbor with a similar name - but at the time I turned to this being and wrote the song about "I'm not alone, she's right next to me - and everything I've ever wanted a woman to be" - it helped me get through the break up with a girlfriend named Raulin - and this relationship really needed to end and was not helping me at all, despite some very gratifying physical encounters in the beginning. So I sang this song a lot, imagined her near me when I was going to sleep, believed in her and then not much later I met Victoria who I am now married to - at least for the time being anyway. I brought an inner woman to life, and an outer woman came into being. I told Raulin when I broke up with her that I was going to find a woman who could give me a stable relationship, and a half year later I found her. I told my last employer I wanted a job that gave me more time, flexibility, and less stress and that job found me within 2 years of stating that. This is what the "Law of Attraction" talks about, and I don't buy into the money cures everything mentality it seems to sell, and that you can be an instant millionaire by just sitting on your ass and imagining you are one (and even if you became one who is to say it would solve your problems). I do believe though that our inner world can shape our outer experience, and I see it happen to me constantly. Even in my job - the claim assignments seem to be cosmically linked - I will have two back to back assignments close by to each other constantly, when the odds against it from a pure probability standpoint say it should never happen as much as it does, but it seems to keep happening. I had 3 people cancel in Reno this week - 3 all at once - and after 3 days in a row of traveling there, I didn't go once this week. These things happen in waves and patterns enough for me to believe it is more than a coincidence.

So going back to that inner world - going into that well of creativity, the well Stephen King talks about in Lisey's Story is what makes it happen. In the book it is a real alternate world, and despite my scientific background I do believe that reality happens in more than one dimension and plane. I have to believe it because that is the only way it will work - even if I am wrong - which I can admit as a possibility. So this inner woman exists as an outer woman - she is with me when I summon her, she is with me when I am between getting back to sleep after being awake, the more real I make her, the more real she becomes. Having an internet romance as I once did taught me that there can be a very real interaction with someone you cannot physically see, hear, smell, touch or taste. To some degree that was a turning point in my life and I have just taken it to the next step. Many of my songs I have written lately in my last two recordings inspired by the same song "Help on the Way" are purely about shaping my own reality to get the most out of my own life. There is one on my last one called "The Witching Hour" which more than any of them goes straight to the heart of the experienced described by these Shamans in this book. This song describes an alternate reality - based on images from the "real world" but transcending into spiritual images of trees coming to life, love and Goddesses interacting with me, life and death dancing together, spirits interacting with living beings - and this world is very real to me when I am playing my guitar on a summer evening with the view of the mountains outside. This world is more than an imagined world - it is an experience -and I could not have written it without an experience of it. My song is a tribute to that experience - and although to some degree words can't do it justice, what they can do in the right setting is capture a postcard of it so that when I need to return to it - playing the same song on a cold autumn night from a vehicle while I am waiting to pick up my daughter from her class - I can be back in the summer all over again, despite the cold and darkness. So far I have evaded the winter blues even with daylight rapidly shrinking, because I sing this song, I sing others like "Summertime" or even "Crazy Fingers" by the Dead that feels like summer to me - I imagine summer, get the SADS light going like it is going now - and in my head if I keep believing in summer - the most inspired time of the year for me - than summer can be a state of mind that never has to leave me, even when it is not physically there to experience. That to me is the key to fighting depression - not taking a drug (unless you have to) but summoning a powerful and uplifting experience so that you can turn to it when you need to. Of course - I have been down and out a few days this month, but when I do that, I turn to the power of sleep and a very solid night of sleep - maybe one to two hours more than normal - seems to do wonders for turning a dark mood around.

There is the power of belief that does wonders. I believe in this ladylike force of love, I practice feeling loved, loving in return - and this force of love that has been seemingly absent my whole life returns to me. In a marriage situation, where my wife just simply cannot be there for me in the way I want her or need her to be at times, this lady makes up for what is missing in my life. Because of her, I do not need to turn to another woman for a physical affair, because in my heart she becomes my fulfillment, and I have often found at times that when she really becomes present, my real life interaction at home inevitably improves too. I can't make my wife want to share her life with me, live where I do, or even commit to spending the rest of her life with me. But what I can do is turn to this beautiful loving force so that regardless of what my outer life brings me, my inner world can always be a beautiful place. Like anything - this takes work and practice. Every day you start all over again, and every day there is something that possibly can bring you down if you open the door and let it do that. But given the practice, the power of faith, belief, interactive imagination, and dialogue with this force - it really seems to work for me and provide all that I need so that I can bring it back and strive/aim to be a positive force for those I interact with.

So in hindsight and conclusion, I haven't really put it into words the way I wanted to - you know "statements just seem vain at last" but I really think there is something to this Shamanistic idea. You don't have to put an animal tooth through your nose and dress up like someone out of an African tribe, you don't have to subscribe to any religion of any kind and pay out money for someone to tell you how to live your life (although you are welcome to if that is your thing) all you really need to do is tune in - with whatever vehicle is at your disposal - and believe in that magical loving place and that all of your dreams, hopes, and desires are possible and very real if you need them or want them to be. I almost titled this post out of Let it Be "when the light is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me" because it is the same idea. The power of love, magic, and belief can work wonders. And as far as this lady of mine I refer to - who is to say - maybe she is a real life spirit, maybe she is just my imagination - really when it comes down to it I don't know or care - as long as I believe in her, she is there for me - and whether or not she will manifest in a real life woman - as suggested in one chapter of the book - does not matter. She has been real in my wife at times, and other times my wife can no longer be her and I just need to find her on my own. I have no crystal ball declaring how long my real life companion will be with me, but I do know this - if I practice in my faith and belief, I will never really be alone - ever again. That is quite comforting.

Trick or treat

We all come from the Goddess

That is the name of a song that appears on a CD and lyrics to one variation can be found here.
Seeing that I was part of the Jewish religion at one time, and to some degree it will always be a part of me even if I don't actually practice it, you have to realize if you don't know me - and if you have the link to this place you probably do - that I do not subscribe to or practice any one religion. I do agree that some movies I have seen lately, "The Secret" (a little heavy on the cheese with the material wealth focus, but good ides if you can get past that), and "What the Bleep Do We Know", both suggest that we influence the world and our own world with our thoughts a lot more than we realize. Since we have used the Goddess image at home a lot, and my relationship with the feminine side of life - good or bad, - has essentially been the most important part of my life - hands down - than obviously it is a powerful symbol for me that appears in many of my songs and writings lately, especially now that my songs have made a somewhat natural transformation in the last few years from negative to positive and self-affirming feelings. This all loving Goddess is my own spirit inside and outside of me that I have used to connect with myself and lift myself. Now that my wife is on a sleep deprived path to a nervous breakdown, I am going to prepare a guided meditation - obviously borrowed from many sources to some degree - but improvisational nevertheless, and start here:

Put some nice soothing music on in the background, maybe light up your favorite incense - I happen to go for this version of Padmini Om Incense:

Breathe in - slowly - feel the air filling up your lungs - release when it feels time to release - hold it just as long as you need to - observe it happening on its own, be a witness to the miracle of breath - breathing fresh clean air that sustains our bodies and allows us to live each moment and every day. Every breath that comes in allows us to breathe in the force and spirit of the great Goddess, creator of each individual life, your life, my life, all life. The Goddess can be experienced as mother - she is the great mother - the mother of all life - and the vast miracle of her power is that she is pure, unblemished love. She loves you with the complete undying devotion of the mother that created you, but there is no negativity here, no criticism, no anger, there is just pure acceptance and love. She can also be experienced as lover - she has always been the one who has filled your heart with desire and passion, but what you believed needed to be experienced with another actual being need only be experienced with her. Every one of your needs, hopes, desires can be reached through your relationship with this all loving, beautiful amazing Goddess. Every breath brings us closer to her. Breathing takes her presence, outside of us, and as we draw it in, brings it inside of us - so that ultimately there is no separation between inside and outside, we are one with the world around us. We may feel immense pain, hurt and emptiness inside of us - we exhale this out with each breath. In place of that we breathe in hope, love, and happiness with every breath and even if we do not feel those things at the moment, these positive feelings are coming into our souls with every breath. With this breath - hope, with this breath - love, with this breath happiness. I love myself - breathe - I love myself - breathe - I love myself - breathe.

Through her eyes, we stop all judgment of ourselves. Whatever negative feelings we have about ourselves, we breathe out and exhale with each breath. Whatever anyone else may think about us or the way we live - we take this negative judgement and exhale it. Our bodies, our faces, are spirits are beautiful - we are all an extension of the all loving, beautiful Goddess. She is perfect in our love, and we are also perfect - even through our falsely perceived imperfection. Our minds are perfect in their beauty and love. We know what we need to know and everything we need to know is in our mind. There is so much we do not know, infinite realms of knowledge in so many paths and directions, but intuitively, all we need to know - everything we need to know - makes up the vast realm of our mind. Our minds are perfect. There is no need for a piece of paper, degree, or level of education to tell us how beautiful our minds are. Our minds reflect in the presence of love from the Goddess, she loves us, and in our undying gratitude, we love her back, and we love ourselves back. The only true purpose of the mind - connected to the heart - is love and we bathe in that pool of love, breathe in the pool of love.

You feel love for your body, this machine that harbors your soul and mind. Your body is beautiful. Every wrinkle, blemish, ounce of fat that you want to judge and condemn yourself for, even the aches and pains in various places - despite what you may see as a fault, the Goddess sees as perfect beauty. You look in the mirror and see a perfectly beautiful individual looking back at you, the house and home of the most beautiful, heavenly Goddess who is reflected back in your face and body. Any image of perfection we may have is placed aside, and we look into the mirror and become that image of perfection. Regardless of age, weight, wrinkles, pimples - we are divine beings and perfectly beautiful reflections of the Goddess.

You are where you need to be at this precise moment. Any place you may think you have been has been a place of the spirit, and at this moment you are in the cross-roads of many different dimensions - life, death, spirit, vast unseen worlds, combined with the physical place you associate with the address, city, country and planet you temporarily reside in. The Goddess brings us where we need to be at any given time through the miracle of Karma and destiny. Any place we will need to be tomorrow or at a future time, she will find a way to bring us there. We are always where we need to be. There is no place to get to in the future, no place to regret going to in the past, there is only this one beautiful moment now, that the Goddess has brought us to - and at this moment I completely accept and cherish the place where I am now. I will not worry about needing to be somewhere else, for I have faith in the Goddess and her ability to get me wherever I need to be and wherever I need to go - she will take me there. I release myself from pressure to be anywhere else other than where I am now.

I am in complete acceptance with everything the Goddess has provided for me at this moment. I do not need to accomplish anything more - I accept all of my accomplishments, and I have fought hard to accomplish everything I have achieved. There is no need to condemn myself for not being anything more or less than what I am at this moment. The role I may be playing - set aside in me in this lifetime through my path of Karma - is the role I need to be playing. I thank the Goddess for the miracle of being my own unique self, in this lifetime, and I do not condemn myself for not having more knowledge, education, or any material thing. I see that the life I have lived, the knowledge I have achieved has been a miracle. All knowledge may come and go as we are only renting our bodies and minds in this particular incarnation, but the love that comes from the Goddess, the love we have for ourselves and our fellow beings is eternal, infinite, and makes up all components of the universe.

Now - the reading stops and we continue to breathe in and out slowly and refelct upon all of these thoughts on our own.

Okay, just a little pinprick, there'll be no more AUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHH

...but you may feel a little SICK..

Sometimes I alternate between feeling like I am relatively stable, self-aware and together to the present feeling I have today - like there is quite a nightmare going on in my head that I have not entirely awoken from. I guess in reality I am a little bit of both - stable and unstable. I spent the spring and summer writing on, reflecting, singing about and experiencing a pretty nice state of love - and it works pretty well - ironically enough - when it is just me. Some call that masturbation - well - maybe masturbation is not such a bad thing, whether it is daydreaming a female presence surrounding you or doing what one does while putting on a favorite porn scene. When I am imagining the woman of my dreams next to me, I am doing okay. The problem that arises is when the thin line of fantasy crosses over to an actual female human being. That is when it starts to get pretty fucked up.

I know my anima experience, the experience of the female from a male point of view, has been quite a roller coaster ride ever since it first hit me at age 13. In the past it would go from idolization to eventual rejection and let down, where I would imagine the queen of my dreams as my savior, and maybe I was even hers, only to eventually discover that she was quite the opposite of that, and then quite a bit of anger would be the end result. It would finally dawn on me that the woman I idolized to be a goddess destined to fulfill my every wish and desire was not capable of doing that. Then a lot of dark feelings would result - rage and rejection among others. I can't entirely blame Heather, the gal I worked with in San Diego what seems to be ages ago now, for turning me into her supervisor and nearly ending my glorious claims career about 16 years ago once I reacted to her rejection of me. I know in my study of "borderline" personalities, the experience of the opposite (attracted) sex from one extreme to another is a characteristic - and although categories are limited, I am convinced my mother is about as borderline as they come. This feature of a borderline personality is one I happen to share.

Now though I want to focus on a somewhat more recent phenomenon - an experience which is of particular concern since it seems to be running in my immediate family so to speak - and that experience is that of nausea and disgust. It seems to happen not with a woman who rejects me altogether necessarily - as that was my experience with Heather - but more with a woman who I experience a certain degree of intimacy with - but there is a feeling during the experience that it is not right - like I am sucking in a terrible addictive drug which is not good for me in the long run, but that high is too compelling to walk away from. So - I make my deal with the devil so to speak, I become the vampire and meet up with my own inner parasite experienced through the relationship with an outer being perceived as and playing the role of the outer parasiste . I remember a woman I had a sexual relationship with in San Diego by the name of Raulin - I had some of the most passionate kissing and sex I can ever remember, but it felt wrong the whole time. She was an alcoholic, she completely bought into all of the cheesy aspects of the American culture that I have always rebelled against, she was not someone I could rely on for anything, and she was very flakey. She was someone I never would choose to have as a friend if not for the actual experience of sex. She slowly drove me into a state of frustration and anger and she seemed to thrive on it - as if she was getting back at someone through her experience of me. Finally when she started backing away in her own fear of losing control - when she claimed she was falling love with me and did not want to be, my own anger of all things was the entity that saved me from sinking back into the addiction. I remember screaming into the phone one day that she was either going to come over for once or for all or get the fuck out of my life - and I am sure that by that point she was too freaked out to come on over. I still remember the shaking urination that followed since I was so angry. I almost had a relapse, and she was about to come over for another dose of pleasure about a month or two later, but of all things a very nasty answering message I directed at her personally kept it from happening. She was stringing me along, and called a second time after the first initial call where she was coming over, and low and behold there was that message ripping her apart - calling her an alcoholic in a mocking way - and in being insulting and hurtful to her, I saved myself from my own weakness. Not much longer Victoria came along and she was the first and only woman I have not felt that sense of wrongness with. Of course - she has not been the answer to every single drive and passion of mine either, but that goes with the territory of a stable relationship.

But getting back to Raulin - I would experience these feelings of nausea and disgust, sometimes after I had been with her - sometimes I would associate it with the taste of the lipstick, maybe it was my own knowledge that I was doing something destructive to get my fix. Maybe there is some deep-rooted psychological association from the past that played into it - some unknown trauma I will never know about. There was a song on Dr. Demento called "Your love is like nuclear waste" which I associated with it, even changing around to "your love makes me want to hurl" when I wrote a little number inspired by my feelings. These feelings would be the other extreme of the high - the feeling of ecstasy from sex, coming down to a hangover feeling to of - my God what the hell am I doing and how much am I lowering myself to get a little passion, and how much of this can I take. These sick feelings came again when I had my internet affair a while ago - I would get these incredible rushes at time from contact with this lady, but they were followed by this internal disgust and nausea - sometimes out of guilt, sometimes just feeling like it was plain wrong.

So coming back to the present - I had a girlfriend I lived with for a year, and unfortunately although we were so close on some levels, we were miles apart on other levels. We broke up 13 years ago, but she has stayed in touch with me - the only ex-girlfriend I have who has. Exactly why she continues to contact me is not clear - maybe she thinks it will some day come back, maybe she has decided to blame me for everything that has gone wrong in her life since she expected me to make it all better and always stay with her. Since I was once sexual with her, the sexual association remains and it often is a fantasy for me to re-unite on that level. My wife actually was encouraging this for a while, to take the pressure off her - but the personality issues seem to always flare up - and the pattern seems to be the ex is friendly and charming, than the eventual resentment comes out in the form of criticism of my wife, criticism of me, and mocking sarcastic comments. She actually sent a V-day card with superimposed pictures of us all, with the wife simulating doggie style on me and me going doggie style on the ex - pretty sick and twisted. We stop talking, I tell her off, than she creeps back around (sometimes I am the creep I admit) - time and time again. So when I started feeling some revived feelings, and had some talks with her, all of a sudden - predictably - the attacks were back - and I warned her to stop, but some things are just inevitable - and next thing I know I am writing a pretty nasty and insulting comment to her just letting loose, she writes back that I am the meanest man in the world and never wants to speak to me again - and will consider it "stalking" (of all things) if I write to her again. This happened after feelings of lust and infatuation were setting in - the high is there one day, the next day I am sick to my stomach. On one level I feel bad that I wrote cruel comments to her, on another I feel this cold spot in me - something like that damn bitch had it coming and serves her right for putting me down.

So here I am - back to feeling nauseous - I have felt sick to my stomach all day - did not sleep well last night, left the library bathroom smelling atrocious - and I ask myself - why? Why do I keep falling back into this ugly cycle - with her, with females in general - why does this experience bring out this twisted dark side and leave me in a state where I am so susceptible that the only way I can stop it is by childish rage and hateful insults to deter the other person from being around me. Can't I do better - haven't I reached a point of enlightenment where I am above this now? Well - obviously I haven't. I observe my own thoughts - hey fuck you - you insult me I am going to up the ante - that's what you get for attacking me in the first place. Am I really the creep she says I am, the meanest most disgusting vile person in the world? Maybe so - I can't say I am proud of throwing out a verbal grenade, and yet I know if I have to do it I will. I would much rather prefer to ignore it, act like it does not get to me - but the reality is it does get back to me, I am sucked into this state of infantile rage - and here I am 42 years old acting like an angry child. The cycle repeats once again I'll be tested, maybe some day it won't happen again. Once I realize that the rush - the great sex - the cheesy passion - is something better off lived in dreams than destructive reality, that I don't need someone outside of me to reassure me of my own worthiness, I won't have to keep going through this. It is just like manic-depression - which somehow I have staved off without medication - and it comes with the actual realization that feeling high is not the same as feeling happy, that ultimate happiness comes with a balance of lesser highs and lows, instead of the big high and the big crash. If you feel too good, there will be a price to pay and is the price worth it? In this case, the price could be feeling sick and even losing my family. Do I want that? No - of course not - but the devil so to speak, in the form of a seductive female - always seems to come around and test me from time to time. I am getting closer to moving beyond this - I hope. In the mean time - another dose of Pepto Bimsal please...

9 years of marriage as of October 2, 2007

I love you – written after 9 years of marriage and more than 11 years together

I love you – I know I say it so many times
I love you – and you may ask the reason why
I love you – not because I have to, need to, or necessarily even choose to or want to
I love you not because it is easy – nobody can honestly say it is, has been, or ever will be
I love you not because of any guarantees you can provide that we will be together tomorrow, the next month or the next year – life provides no guarantees other than the present moment, and even the present moment may be the last
I love you not because of where you want to be, which may be different than where I want to be
I love you not because I expect you to agree with me, agree with what to decide to do next, where to live next, how to live next, or even how to live at all
I love you not because I expect our life to be a continuous love affair, a fairy tale movie, or a dream come true – for I could never ask nor expect that of you, nor you of me
I love you not because I expect you to be in love with me, lust for me, desire me, or even necessarily want to be with me
I love you – not because we have different values, expectations, beliefs or desires

I love you – because you are who you are and I am who I am, and there will never be another you or another me
I love you because I believe fate brought us together to allow us to be together for the time we have had so far, and maybe possibly even one moment, hour or day longer than that
I love you because with you, and only you through some miracle I will never fully understand, we have created a live being that looks to us each for love, guidance, and acceptance
I love you because 9 years ago today I got dressed up in my best pair of shorts and sandals and even if I was reading a note back to a paid city official, in my mind I was reading a contract back to the creator and provider of all life
I love you because I swore to that being that I would love you and provide for you for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health – and despite every obstacle that makes that difficult happen, I continue to swear to God, the Goddess, and any other divine being that may want to listen that I will continue to do that
I love you because I cannot control what we have, what we are and what we will be and that to surrender to that love is to surrender to the devotion of the Yin and Yang , and the God and Goddess themselves
I love you now and forever, no matter who you are, what you are, where you are, where you go, what you do and where you decide to do it
Nothing can and will ever change my love for you

What is and what should never be

The trip that I dreaded and avoided for about 8 years is about to end. I jumped on a grenade – so to speak – for my daughter Sara. This trip gave her a chance to see her Uncle Phil and Aunt Vickie, a chance to experience the magic of Disneyland, and a chance to see where I grew up and spend time with her grandparents, despite all the recent documented tension that has transpired involving them.

I somehow imagined that the place I once referred to as a “dungeon” – as it was an emotional dungeon for me – would bring up feelings of melancholy and gloom when I was here. My Dad made mocking reference to my term when I was here. My daughter later thought it was a very apt term to describe this house. Inevitably those sad feelings did arise, but when I had my guitar in the backyard I was able to experience the peaceful spirit I have gotten to know in Nevada – so the gloom has not been the only thing I felt here. This place – to be blunt – still feels like a dungeon. It feels neglected, abandoned – smells like mold, there are cracks everywhere, the drapes look outdated and appear to be their accurate age of possibly 30 to 40 years old. The folks put all their funds and efforts into travel the way I once did with my Grateful Dead excursions – maybe that is the way I can relate to it a little. But it still feels like a gloomy spiritual void, and to be honest all of Palos Verdes feels like that to me. The massive million dollar houses remind me of Viagra – they produce these trophy like massive extended hard-ons so that their occupants can say – wow – look how big mine is – but underneath it all that same gloomy emptiness seems to be apparent. “Suffering in the midst of plenty” as Ram Daas puts it in his book. I grew up in a spiritual void, and more than the emotional assaults I endured from my parents (my intuition tells me I was injured here – this I believe to be true) – I think that this void was what really brought me to the edges of my despair. If I had something – ANYTHING – to believe in, it would have been a huge help. The authors of the aforementioned song – Led Zeppelin – among other childhood idols, were the closest thing I had to any depth of experience. My first concert during my 8th grade year – to see my beloved Cheap Trick – will always stand out in my memory. As a kid I lived for the Dodgers, and these live experiences I have my brother to thank for, regardless of whether or not they were funded by my absent Cats in The Cradle father. So maybe there were some glimmers of hope in my childhood – and I must not forget my dog either. But overall – what an overwhelming void of spiritual emptiness I am reminded of every time I walk into this house.

I look back in my high school year book and I see a picture of a beautiful girl named Tracy Bergin – and she is my biggest regret of my life. My first love, a girl named Cathy – at least I found a way after 1,000 times before trying to pick up the phone and in a shaking pathetic voice ask her to a dance, only to hear her tell me no. Maybe I was too shattered to try again. But Tracy who was in my PE class clearly liked me. She asked me to help her with her football flag belt and I was a stuttering idiot in response. I was able to dance with her a few times at the high school dances, but I could not bring myself to go further. Looking at her picture, I suspect our personality differences might have been an obstacle. But even so – I needed so much to experience some affection and even if it had all gone south it would have possibly steered me in the right direction with women. And yet – one thing I realize – is no matter how much I may want something in the past to be different, the past is what it is – there is what is, and then what can never be as the song says – and part of accepting yourself is accepting your past along with yourself. I never did ask her out. I never did find out where there was to go with her. She seemed very disappointed at my failure to do this, but hell – if I couldn’t save myself, how could I save her either? I was a fucking mess with not even an ounce of confidence in myself. It is what it is – it was what it was. Swallow it and move on. I see these pictures in my yearbook and I have only stayed remotely in touch with one of my classmates. I have never gone to any reunions and have no desire or interest to find out what happened to any of them. It is a part of my life I would like to forget, but coming here it is hard to forget it. Maybe that is why I had to ultimately make the pilgrimage back here – those years I spent here are a part of me – even if they are a part of me I would like to distance myself from. It is the part of me that hated myself for my inability to ask Tracy out, hated myself for coming back home from college due to my depression – I hated myself for so many reasons. Now I am spending the rest of my life trying to love myself. I try and succeed at times, fail at others, but I am winning the battle a lot more now than I used to.

As far as my parents go, there is that awkward cold silence that comes up at times, like when Sara brought up the cruise or Victoria called us eating at the restaurant. They still seem to treat me like the lunatic fresh out of the asylum. Maybe it is easier to see me that way rather than to see themselves that way. The way I see it, we are all in the same institution. Even so – you can talk so much about the weather, physical events, school – but at the same time you can’t really talk about anything with them. It is very limited and almost makes you wish you were alone with your thoughts. I always wonder how to answer the question do I love them. Sometimes I think I love them on principle just because they are my parents and I am supposed to. I do not love their actions or ways of dealing with other people – especially my wife. I do not think either one of them has the slightest amount of spiritual depth. They are both very intelligent and can zero in on the slightest detail, but the big picture seems to elude them. I do not envy either on of them, and though I realize they will both be a part of my personality, like it or not, I am proud to say I believe through some miracle I am more than either of them will ever be in terms of my depth and creativity. It is not something you can physically measure, but I know it is there in me and absent in them. I wish it were not the case – I wish I could share it with them, but I can’t. They are who they are and in some ways I believe their own passing may be the best they can hope for. I just don’t see how they can live the way they do. Yet they do – and it is not my place to judge them. They will meet their karma as I will meet mine. It is not my place to say what, when, and where awaits them. I just thank God I have gone a little further in my psychological growth, even if their neurotic finger prints are all over my personality.

Over all – I survived the test, I can’t wait to get the hell away from superficial materialistic Southern California, and I think getting out was the best thing that ever happened to me. It is not perfection where I live necessarily, but I feel like I can breathe there, both literally and metaphorically. I am grateful to Phil, Vickie and Youndy who made this trip somewhat bearable (not just saying that to kiss your asses since I know you all have a link here.) Even grateful for my folks for forking out the funds to bring us here and take us to Disneyland. I hope to leave some of my sadness here and bury it here where I experienced so much of it growing up and in my adolescence. I cannot change the emptiness, hurt, and sadness I felt growing up – but I can try to find some spirituality and peace in my remaining time I have here in this dimension. I believe something beautiful awaits in this life, possibly even in whatever else may follow in the next one. Leaving this place is like rising from the grave, and moving from death to life. It is nice to be alive, and to really experience life in a place of being alive. I know it can happen. 30 years ago I did not even believe any type of happiness at all was something I could experience. The fact that I can now is a miracle I will never fully understand, but I am grateful anyways.

When it seems like the night will last forever

Maybe a foreshadowing of the winter season slowly waiting to make its arrival with the last days of summer upon us slowly approaching fall, but kind of a melancholy soaked weekend for me with no real explanation for it that comes to mind other than just that - an awareness of the inevitable change in seasons and loss of daylight hours. A time to meditate on how to deal with grief and sadness as they are inevitable feelings for me. I was out in the backyard hitting on an Am into Bm in open position and came up with some ramblings which I am trying to remember here to the best that I can.

Mantra theme - It's gonna go away

I am outside with a heavy heart, tears fill my eyes in this all too familiar part
Grief paints the day like a darkened paintbrush, looking for love but I can't seem to get enough
Everything I once felt is still with me, my soul hasn't left it is still a part of me
God is till here, Godess is still here, my love is still here, my faith is still here
What I feel now will not last forever, it is going to pass on like the stormy weather
Like the change in the wind, like the change in the seasons
Like the change of emotions, change from happy to grieving
It's all a part of this vast ocean soul, adjusting the sails to this dark, empty hole
The tears in my eyes like a gallon of water that my soul drinks down to quench a thirsty hunger
To feel all the feelings I need to be feeling, to deal with emotions I need to be dealing with
I need to be happy, but I need to be sad, I need to cry now just like I need to be glad
It's all a part of miracles of emotion, to know my self in surrendur devotion
To see the ying and yang of the entire picture, feel the strength of my heart when it's under water
To allow myself to cry, to tell myself it's all okay, feel the light in the tunnel at the end of the day
Life and death different sides of the coin of the one, the grief will end though only now just begun
I can float to the land if I believe in my spirit, it is with me now though I can't see and hear it
Gotta keep on believing, when the light is dim, moving on when I forget how to push, how to swim
It is going to pass, it is going to part, I'll return to that beautiful place inside my heart
I'm allowed to grieve, I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to question, I'm allowed to ask why
But I don't need the answer that I'll never have, I don't need to know why I'm now feeling sad
I just breathe out and surrendur in this refuge of sod, I can see different faces in the one head of God
I can still see the wonder with the tears in my eye, I can still see the beauty of the deep blue sky
I can still know the great spirit is here with me now, when I look up to see those thin hazy white clouds
Cus I still belive, though I don't feel like believing, I still am happy, though right now I am grieving
This change in my spirits - lasting hours or days, but it doesn't mean that faith has to go away
I still love you, I still need to be loved, I still feel the spirits in the heavens above
I can cry, I can mourn, I can sleep through the day, till I reach the place where it all goes away
This is the time to take extra care, of my needs, of my soul, of the feelings I wear
On my sleeve, on my face, in my heart, in my head, I surrendur to death, but I don't need to be dead
It is all life now and I know I am okay, I know there is refuge at the end of the day
In my dreams, in my heart, in my songs, my guitar - in my healing place to live out unhealed scars
I still believe in you my beautiful one, I still know another song waits to be sung
I still can say the things I need to say, I still know I have my spirit, soul and my faith
I feel it now, but it's gonna go away, I feel it now but it's gonna go away
I feel it now, but it's gonna go away, I feel it now but it's gonna go away.....

In your hand you hold your only friend, never spend your guitar or your pen

Take two at writing this - a very long writing so if you want to read the whole thing give yourself some time.... - I am one song away from finishing up my latest batch of songs I have prepared to be transposed onto CD by one of my best friends in Montana. All of these songs came from this year - 2007. All of these songs seem to really say something and are songs I can see myself singing and playing for years. Although Santa Clause lusting for the children sitting on his lap and Christmas in Hell might have been twisted inspirations when I was in college, I don't have much use for these songs now. Now I am focused on the songs that will serve as mantras for my guitar-music-singing sessions that serve as my meditation - but actually go beyond that - they inspire me to live my life and not sink back into the despair I once faced that almost did me in years ago. I don't necessarily know how the creative process works - it is usually a passive, not an active process. Some times it feels like tuning into a voice like a radio station - a voice that comes from the unconscious, maybe it even feels like a spirit's voice at time - the reality is I don't know where exactly it comes from, other than for the most part it has an other than me feeling to it - something outside of my ego. Creativity is a surrender and listening process in my opinion - I can't make it happen, I just have to allow it to happen. This has been a tough year - financially, with the challenges of my family and marriage - growing into a new job, and dealing with all my past baggage and issues on top of that. It may have been a tough year so far, but it has also yielded some of my favorite writings as well. I can't help think there is a connection there. I may not be able to afford a trip to Bali like one of my buddies can, but I have been traveling many places within the depth of my mind and spirit. So let's start from the beginning

1) There's only love:

Don't seek the love - be the love

Be the wind, be the air, be the rays, shining down from above

Don't seek the light - be the light

Shine on others, seeking light, be their friend, be a love, be a (love)light

Don't chase your dreams, be your dreams

When life is pain, (rise above,) it is more than it seems

Don't be the pain, be gentle sweet flowing rain

Be the quenching soothing water, there is more, than your feelings, than this plane

(Chorus)

There's no fear, there's no hate - there's only love

There's no need, there's no hunger - there's only love

There's no sickness, there's no pain - there's only love

No separation, no distance - there's only love

Don't chase the desire, when you can go higher

Be the loving warmth you seek, be the sun, be the heat, be the fire

Don't resist fate, embrace the karma, free yourself from hate

Don't anticipate, what's now here, you got it now, you don't have to wait

Don't seek faith, doubt is illusion, become your faith

Be your spirit, be your god, be your goddess, be your lover, be your faith

Don't seek your soul, be your soul

Surrender to the darkness, to the light, lose the fear to lose control

This song's inspiration has come from so many different places it is hard to know where to start. The idea of being something else outside of you - in Liberty by the Grateful Dead "If I were the sun, I'd look for the shade" or Michael Franti's What I Be "If I could be the rain I'd wash away the whole world's pain" is a start. It also comes from a Ram Daas book where he said what Jesus meant by prayer moving mountains is that you become the mountain and move with it when you move yourself. Alan Watts talks about the illusion of separation - when we focus on our ego. Ultimately it is the idea that we are one with the world - not separate from it. The mountain may look or appear separate, but it is part of our experience and it is part of us. The notion we are one with or in unison with the world around us is much healthier than the isolated me vs. the world conquer and destroy to survive outlook. Also this song is to be approached from a meditative view. "Be the sun - be the wind - be the air" - feel connected to and part of these things, even though scientifically speaking they can be considered separate, they are also interactive - we share the molecules and atoms with the air and wind around us. The song started with the notion of don't seek the love be the love which kind of sets the tone for the entire recording. My whole life I have looked for a love in a world where love was hard to find. I certainly did not get enough love from my parents - even if they tried in their own way. No matter how wonderful my wife is, she cannot fill the overwhelming depth of need and love that seems to have consumed my life. It is my task to become one with the love I have always sought, and when I believe that I am one with love, than the world reflects my inner view and becomes a loving place. When I believe that I need to seek love outside of me, than I feel like I am chasing something unobtainable and the world becomes a very cold and unforgiving place. In meditating on the unification of love within myself, I make the change happen instead of hoping it happens to me through forces outside of myself I have no control over. Feeling like I am one with love is in comparison feeling like I am one with the earth and surroundings. "Be the loving warmth you seek, be the sun be the heat be the fire" - in other words, when I start with the line about don't chase desire - I am saying there is nothing to chase if the world of my desires is already obtained - it does not need to be obtained. If the peaceful ecstatic feeling I get after sex for example - can be bypassed altogether through spirit and meditation, then it is no longer a life or death imperative that I have sex. Don't get me wrong - I am not going to turn down an offer! But it is more of a feeling like I will be thankful for it when it happens, but my life is not going to revolve around it either, because there is more than one way to get to that peaceful joyous feeling. (All masturbation references aside). What I am saying is to imagine that peaceful beautiful place, become one with that place through song, music, meditation eliminates the feeling like it has to happen through one way - sex for example. And when that can be obtained, sex is more of a joy when it does happen, and it is not the end of the world if it doesn't happen at all. At the chorus I say there's no hunger, sickness, pain - and clearly I know these things do in fact exist. It is not a denial of their existence. Again - it is a meditative song - it is really saying - yes these things do exist, but they exist as much as we let them. Unfortunately there is hunger in the world, but there is also an inner hunger - more the hunger I am referring to. There is sickness and pain as well, but upon accepting these things as inevitable factors of life, they are no longer bad things to be afraid of, just parts of life to allow when they do happen. I would sing the song at times when my groin pain was absolutely unbearable, and yet in singing it - it seemed a little easier to take. In a Deepak Chokra book Life After Death a man was pronounced dead and came back to write about his experience and he saw that love was the driving force of the universe, and ultimately there was no evil - just a feeling that love was not there enough to allow people to commit what may be considered evil acts. So even in hate, it is really a feeling of not enough love. Ultimately it all comes down to love - which is how I finally arrived at the title line of There's Only Love. Ironically I wrote "There is No Love" almost 20 years ago - quite a difference. Still in the first song - the type of love I was chasing - love outside of myself - I was right to a degree - you cannot find it outside of yourself if it is not inside of you first - I really believe that. So really "There is No Love" ultimately gravitated in a strange way to "There's Only Love" - which is a different way of stating what was originally stated 20 years back. So long story short - a lot of recycled ideas, but for me a beautiful mantra in helping me feel connected positively to love and the world around me. Musically it is my favorite D chord with the open high string that I have turned to so many times - it is almost my chord mantra that has worked the best for me.

2) My Sweet Love

Come now too me my sweet love

Nurturing love, beautiful love

Open up your loving sensual arms

Massage me with them, caress me with them (nurse me with your breast)

You know how much I'm hurting now my love

I've sought you out in others who couldn't provide you, my love

Heal this broken bleeding heart my love

Let me float inside your belly - my sweet love

Come now too me my sweet love

Unconditional love, all accepting love

Take me just the way that I am

Don't ask me to change, or even to explain - my love

You know how much I need you now my love

Appear to me this moment, right now - love

Fill my heart with soothing, calming medicine

Let me merge together with you my love

Be now here with me my love

Fill my lips with the sweetest, soothing kiss

Come and cry with me my love

Let our pain become one, our souls - become one

Now's the time to hold each other love

And to drown out all our sorrows in our love

Please don't ever leave me my sweet love

Come to me love, be with me now my love

Hold me now forever my sweet love

This is a love song, but not a traditional one. It is an inner dialogue with love - or in my case a male having a dialogue with his inner femine "anima" in Jung terms, but it is not a song addressed to a real live human being, although definitely inspired by many real life females. It goes a little more into depth of exploring the "be the love" in my first song. I imagine a beautiful, loving Goddess spirit - maybe she is inside my heart, maybe she is a real life being that exists in the spirit world - who is to say - but I imagine this being as the one who can heal all my wounds and suffering that may have come about through real life dealings - starting with my mother, but also other rejecting females in my life - and there are times every woman I have ever intimately known becomes that rejecting woman. It is a way of again making happen on the inside, what cannot happen on the outside. It is an expression and acknowledgement of the hurt and pain I experience in relationships, but a retreat to a loving healing place where all of that pain can be healed within. Turning to that retreat, embracing in its healing, being swallowed in its womb, gives me the strength to come back to the real life relationships. And ironically enough, going to this place enough makes the real life relationship better too - I am not placing this enormous burden upon my wife to heal me, instead I am choosing to heal myself. An entire Don Ruiz book "Mastery of Love" goes into this idea. I really believe it is the only way a relationship can work.

3) When Tomorrow Arrives -

Something inside me is crying right now, but something inside me it smiles

Something inside me is dying of grief now, but something else is bursting with life

The tears are washing down the river banks of the solid firm earth of my soul

As this moment passes the grief consumes me, tomorrow I'll be back in control

(Chorus) It's not a sickness, it's the healing in me

It cleanses and washes, let the truth set me free

I'm lying here watching, as these tears fill my eyes

But I know I 'll be ready when tomorrow arrives

You can lecture me say I should pop a pill, but I got medicine of my own

I'm setting the sails to the winds of my grief to the vast healing waves of my soul

Tonight it's as dark as a black night can be but the tunnel shows a faint distant light

You can save your worries and your deep concerns, cus I know I'm going to be all right

This is a song exploring overwhelming feelings of grief - which typically happens to me in the winter time when the song was written - and the "black night" refers to the long nights and short daylight hours which often triggers this. My high powered lamp does provide some relief, I can't always be around it enough though. This song is basically saying I am allowed to feel overwhelming grief and despair - bring it on - but tomorrow I got to get back to work and I am not going to let it paralyze me into a depression. I am not going to deny it, but I am not going to let it control me either. Sadness and grief is a part of life that does not have to be a paralyzing depression. Some take medication for this - for myself I believe the conscious mind has an amazing power if tapped into properly. This song says I am drawing the line - I can be a complete grieving basket case today, the world may feel like it is coming to an end, but underneath the pounding waves of grief and despair, my soul is strong and I am going to make it. When my depression first struck in college, I did not have that foundation and I was swept away. Back then I had a refuge to turn to, but now everyone is counting on me. I simply can't afford to be carried away by my emotions. So for a day or two have your way with me, but once Monday comes get out of my way - I got work to do, people to serve and a family to take care of. For me it works. I get depressed yes - and maybe my depression balances my potential manic feelings at time. I have made a conscious choice to not get carried away by either one. Medication is nothing but side effects and an assault on my body from my perspective. My spirit, my mind, my creativity - IS my medicine. Also when I say "something inside me it smiles" I am remembering there is a joyful side of my consciousness. Just because I don't feel it at the present moment, does not mean it isn't there. It is my way to remember it is still inside of me anyways.

4) Behind Me

(Chorus)

I know a brutal storm came through, but it's behind me

I've tried and failed to search for my soul, but it will find me

I've tried for years to capture my love, she's now inside me

I know you cannot see her face, but she's beside me

All I've ever needed is love sweet love

It's love that I'd never known

Fleeting and elusive as the holy Grail

But I found it in the dark ocean depths of my soul

I may be stumbling, lost and confused

Blindfolded as I reach out for the answer today

But the God, the Goddess, spirits of my ancestors

I believe they are lighting my way

I can't do it alone, but I don't have to

Tune into the music of my heart

Love is the question and love is the answer

It's the end middle and the start

But I know I can get there with a little help

Climb some steep cold mountains on the way

The struggle, exhaustion, frustration, despair

They are all in the past today

You know I know better than to freak out and panic

But I still do from time to time

Sometimes the strength of my fears is stronger than that of my faith

I still fall off that wagon sometimes

But once those fears try to rip up my faith

They will pass and my faith's going to win

But the cycle repeats, once again I'll be tested

Maybe some day it won't happen again

The darkness consumes, but the darkness passes,

All I need's just a little light

But even when those demons sabotage my head

I still know I'm going to get through that night

So here I am just a strumming away

Been to hell and back but I've survived

And even now as I stand here naked

I'm just grateful to be singing and alive

A lot of rehashed ideas here as well, but appropriate that this hopeful song follows the previous one about grief and despair. There is a sense of I have survived something very difficult but I am better off and stronger as a result now, and happier too in this song - kind of along the lines of "I can see clearly now the rain is gone". There is also a notion that the difficult times - although they have let up - will happen again, but I will be ready to face them until maybe some day I won't need to any more. The notion of fear vs. faith is here too - a battle between the neurotic feelings of hopelessness and doom vs. the faith of the spirit - and an acknowledgement that the battle is there, but faith is the stronger of the two forces in the battle. The "I know you cannot see her face but she is beside me" is a reference to the anima, and in the video I posted on line there was a mysterious light on my arm - even if some say was just a reflection - that seems to coincidentally back up this notion of an invisible but present presence. This song was unusual in that I heard the tune first and the words came second. The tune I heard was not ultimately the one that came out, but there was at least a resemblance. Usually the words come first.

5) A Prayer For You

May you learn to love yourself the way I love you

To adore and cherish you the way that I do

May you feel all the love that you give to others

Coming back to yourself, be your own loving mother

May you see the shining glow of the sunset skies

Is a mirror of the beauty that shines out from your eyes

May you see the glow that shines out from your skin

Is a reflection of the beauty of your spirit within

May you merge with the Goddess you continue to seek

Find her warm nurturing is within your reach

Breathe in and breathe out, all you have to do

You don’t have to find her, she’s already found you

May you listen to the message of the rabbits and birds

Feel the animal connection within their words

May the plants and the trees, the beauty of this land

Reflect the loving beauty coming from your own hands

May you learn to accept yourself the way that you are

You’ve come such a long way, you will still go so far

May you build a shield from others’ judgments of you

Know they just see themselves, when they judge its’ not you

May you make a truce with the pain from the past

Buried deep in a grave, it doesn’t have to last

When you free yourself from it, may you feel a re-birth

May you feel a connection with the sweet mother Earth

May you see that no-one else has the answer for you

Just the Goddess and the angel in the heart of you

May you breathe in and find they are there waiting for you

Close your eyes, embrace the loving magic in you

It’s for these thing that I will keep praying for you

To all the loving spirits that are surrounding you

For the miracle to happen however it does

For you to find in your heart the well of endless love

"Forever Young" by Dylan an obvious influence. I wrote this song with the immediate hope in my mind that my wife could participate and share in some of my feelings of inspiration. I know she has gone through a tough time in her life but I still feel like she has it in her and I often hope and pray that she can see the light behind so much of the darkness that engulfs her. I am a life time pessimist but recently converted optimist. If it is possible for me, it is possible for her - I believe we all have it in us. On a deeper level it is a way of continuing to inspire myself - I may be addressing her on one level, but I am also addressing myself. The other peoples judgments - immediate idea came from those peers of hers who expect our house to be clean and spotless - it is far from that with many apparent defects. It is lived in - trust me I have seen homes much worse than ours. My feeling is judge me all you want for the way I live, but that is your judgment - and who are you really judging when it comes down to it - me or your version of me, and ultimately yourself? Even when she speaks somewhat harshly of others judgements of me, I see it the same way. Ruiz talks about this extensively. She takes it very personally when other people judge the way we live - I just don't because I see more to myself than my immediate physical surroundings. Maybe that is a cultural difference. Part of the land images come from the desert rural surroundings that do provide a lot of images and references in the song. The main opening line is my simple statement that I do cherish and adore her, but that also comes from cherishing and adoring myself. I continue to hope she can learn to do the same, that we all can. The world around us would be so much better if we could. And of course - the reference of making a truce with the past has been an extensive focus of mine. I have many reasons to dwell on my past as it explains so much of who I am at the present. Still the more I can learn to let go of the past, the more present I am here now.

6) Don't Panic

Don't - don't panic - first words of the Hitch hiker's Guide---- (to the Galaxy anyways)

I know - you're feeling stuck now, but you'll make it to the other side

I know your head is pounding, exhaustion - nausea setting in

But you've got to let it go now, let it die so it can be reborn and begin

Just a stand back one stepTry to take a deep breath

Give it up now, and lay your head downYou're going to be all right

You're going to get through the fight (make it through the night)

Don't beat yourself up, bang your head against the wall

Give yourself a break now, deep down you know that it's not your fault

I know you're out to hurt yourself, you blame yourself time after time

Back off that hanging judge part, you haven't committed a crime

It's a hole you have dugJust fill it up with your love

The parole board has just arrived

You're going to be all right..

It's time to take a rest now, you've been going at it all day long

Time to unwind now, sing yourself a loving song

Listen and feel the love now, the love pouring into the air

You take your life so seriously, it's time now to not have a care

Love is the drugSo step into a hug And a kiss coming down from the sky

You're going to be all right...

Talked about this in and old blog post - I got into a state of panic when I couldn't get on line after a long day of driving for work. The more I tried, the worse it got - I was placed on hold, came up with one barrier after another - and I got so worked up about it, later to find out it all fixed itself that morning. My neurotic side panics and says I need an answer now. This is a plea from the deeper part of my soul to my neurosis to say back away and let go of it - in the end it will work out - hard to see it when caught up in the neurosis, but it has worked out before and will again no matter how impossibly frustrating it appears in the present moment. I tend to seize upon these opportunities as a way to beat myself up and blame myself for everything going on around me - my deeper soul pleads with me to be forgiving of myself, to be gentle with myself (and old Bruford song sung by Annette Peacock comes to mind) and to love myself instead. It makes so much sense when I think about it logically, but the panic self-hating neurotic side of me needs to be constantly reminded of it anyways. My mantra here "you're gonna be all right" like Bob Marley's every little thing is going to be all right, such simple words - but very powerful when sung mantra style.

7) The Witching Hour

This is the magical time when life in day mates with the black night death,

In sharp climactic heavy breaths of rainbow orange bursting out through the clouds

This is the beautiful time when the breeze flies out through the leaves

Creates an enchanted musical piece, with branches dancing, swinging out so loud

This is the spirit’s time when the faces born from visions dance and speak,

Bursting out from the rocks, the plants and the trees, imagination dreams becoming real

This is the innocent time, when the thoughts from the ghosts come alive, As they float toward the everlasting light, the time for broken hearts to mend and to heel

Now is the end of time when life and death meet up and collide, the groom embracing the spirit bride, walking hand in hand side by side

Now is the supernatural time when the coyotes and banshees wail and cry, the sounds sours through a black cloud in the sky, with the full moon pouring through the flowing tide

Now is the all knowing time, when one mind reaches out and connects, to each and every one of all of the rest, to feel a part of the highest of all powers

Now is the sweetest of times, the enchanted possessed and blessed bewitching, this is the everlasting witching – this is the witching hour

This is the passionate time when all providing love consumes the air, a sweet seductive goddess shining fair, is so close surrounding everywhere

This is the satisfying time when the dream emrges without from within, I feel her start to arise then begin, to make the healing love to my dry skin

This is the happiest of times, when every wishful longing dream comes true, all I really have to do, is to reach in, summon, connect till I find you

This is the wedding time, when the spirit meets the earthbound flesh, no fears or worries mind at rest - I know that as I pray here I am blessed

I have come to realize that the time of day right before and after the sunset is the time when I feel most spiritually connected, even sometimes feeling what could be considered rapture and great joy. Carlos Castaneda labeled it the gate between the worlds in the teachings of Don Juan. This is my tribute to that time, and the feeling that there is often a thin line between life and death. I feel that when I tap into these spirit feelings I am connecting both worlds together. There are more anima references here, also a feeling that the "wonders of nature" are all around me - I see faces coming out of the trees that seem so real and present that it seems the trees are spirits and living things that are present in their own magical way. It is a way of trying to capture in words some of the wonderful images and feelings that come from this time of day.

8) Song for Sara

Sara our sweet-heart, our beautiful love
Sara our gift from the heavens above
A glowing spirit like the moon in the sky
Believe in your spirit, you can soar you can fly

We love you so much, but you must love yourself
It comes first from you, alone and nobody else
Just say Sara I love you a few times a day
Don’t dwell upon others, who don’t see it your way

Some times life can be painful, but pain goes away
You won’t always feel, what you’re feeling today
It is just a small pain, everyone takes a fall
Believe it will pass, and you won’t feel it at all

The great spirit has blessed you, with a beautiful heart
A beautiful soul, a face a work of art
A playful spirit that lets you laugh, love sing
A warrior’s strength to get you through everything

The animals, creatures, even spiders your friends
Every spirit a blessing that the Goddess sends
Nothing can hurt you, if you start to believe
That you’re blessed and protected, all the monsters will leave

Some times it’s so frustrating, that you just want to cry
But you can do anything, if you just give it a try
And just keep on trying, don’t you ever go up
You can play great music, everybody will love

Your life is a blessing, it is never a curse
You might think you are punished, but it could be worse
It is just a life trial, that we all go through
You are going to survive, just like we all do

Embrace the beautiful day, the enchanted night
Don’t bow down to the pain, stand up and give it a fight
Your life has so much potential, that we call can see
Sara you can be whatever you want to be.

This song also written in July, a few days after the Witching Hour. My daughter, like myself, has struggled to believe in herself and that very simply is the explanation of all of her physical symptoms. It does not come easy - I have spent my life learning to do this, and I started out just like her. My hope is in that my recent efforts to improve myself there I can pass along some of this to her, and realize that she can be anything she wants to be, and that there is a very powerful and beautiful spirit in her. I was never told that when I was young, I am hoping that I can make a difference in her life by telling her that now.

9) Oasis

Been stumbling down, this dirty road - feels like it's 100 degrees

In this desolate pain, not a hint or drop of rain, so hot that I can hardly breathe

Been walking forever, never thought I'd get here, thought to get to heaven I'd have to die

But sanctuary's near, my oasis is here - I've never felt so grateful to be alive

Because everything's here that I need, my friends my love my forest family

A well of love as deep as the earth, gonna drink my fill until I start to burst

My sweet love (song title) gazing deep into my eyes, I feel her and my heart's so full so high

Great spirit pouring rain down from the sky, my love and spirit never will die

The trees block out the sun with their shade, my love blocks out my demons of hate

I used to want to sob cry and groan, but with my spirit I am never alone

I used to feel I was falling apart, now I reach deep into the love in my heart

I used to hope the end would be near, now the future's so hopeful bright and clear

Brand new song written a week ago - I sung it outside with the microphone picking up the wind and the sound of the birds - I thought it was a nice effect. Kind of self-explanatory and again re-hashing a lot of ideas already expressed - self love, connected to nature, feeling content in an anima setting, surviving a challenging state and arriving at a happy place as a refuge. A way also of acknowledging how far I have come in my spiritual journey.

10) Last song is ass-hole mountain - I won't go into it here and posted the lyrics in my other blog sit - basic country vs. city living theme and based on a real life place not far from where I live.

Hate is what got me here, love is gonna set me free

You know I think this is what it all comes down to - love and hate - that simple - the two driving forces of humanity - one can save us, the other can destroy us - and if there is enough of one to at least balance out the other that is our only hope. If you look at it like good vs. evil than it is kind of like Star Wars - and all the other movies that go into the subject of the respective battle between the two. I think both love and hate are natural emotions, and I try to stay away from the notion that one emotion is good and the other is not, because obviously they both exist and are a natural product of our minds. Maybe even to a degree if I look at hate as something natural and inevitable, than I am going to be more accepting of it and I won't hate myself for hating - as there are enough reasons I can find to hate myself as it is. I know for myself that has been my own individual battle. I had so much hate within myself growing up - and was brought up in an environment where my two parents hated themselves for their own reasons, and unfortunately because they were so emotionally disconnected - they didn't even seem to know it or realize it, and their children around them became the targets of all of this. You can see that each and every one of us inherited this self hate as a result, and that it has affected us all in different ways.

The battle between love and hate starts on the inside of an individual, and then ultimately manifests itself collectively. I believe hatred and self-hatred are one and the same. If you feel at peace with yourself, and love is the principal force in your heart, it is difficult to hate anyone or anything regardless of the circumstances. I can almost see why some might hate someone who has hurt or harmed them or a loved one - to feel hatred and revenge for someone who has raped or killed a family member. Even then I believe that to feel that hatred - even if seemingly justified, is more destructive than helpful. But what about those who hate someone who has a different skin color, ethnic creed, or religion - how do you explain genocide, murder, aggression to begin with? I think it is all projected self-hate.

I know self-hatred first hand. It was like a poison that took hold of me from an early age, but I didn't even know it was there. I knew I had trouble with certain things. Asking out a girl, even if I knew she liked me - was like paralysis - I couldn't move, I couldn't do it - even though regrettably I now believe it would have been a pleasurable experience that gave me some more confidence - because at the time I didn't like myself enough to go through with the risk, and I think deep down - even if the flirting, staring, blatant clues were there that she liked me - I just couldn't do it. I will never forget a girl named Tracy in my sophomore PE class - I knew as plain as day she had it for me - she was a nice girl, she was kind of cute - okay - maybe not a genius or a deep thinker, but it would have been good for me to date her and see what happened. I just couldn't go through with asking her out - and then what followed after that - inevitably - was my first conscious exposure to self-hatred - because I hated myself for not having the confidence to begin with - even though looking back on it now - I had no control over it and no tools to deal with it. There were two tragedies - the first was the chance for an experience with an attractive woman that I never got to live out - but if that was not bad enough, the bigger tragedy was blaming myself for my own learned inadequacies.

How do you even address an issue like this, when the family environment you are living in - sharing your same disease, denies it is there, denies their own self-hatred and hatred of you as a result, and just act like everything is normal in an insane assylum where it is hard to tell who is the doctor and who is the patient - who is the one in charge - who is the parent, and who is the child.

My pattern with women continued. I became completely obsessed with a college girl named Christina who had flirted with me in the end of my freshman year - it was an innocent flirt - but even so an invitation that I allowed to consume me and sink into my head until it was an obsession out of control because I could not get past that first initiation point. Who knows if anything would ever have even come of it, but I never even allowed it to get to that point and then I sat there blaming myself for not being able to take care of my own desperate need to be loved. I knew this need consumed me - obviously after years of growing up in an environment of spiritual emptiness and self-loathing I was starved for it, but here were fleeting invitations to possibly satisfy some of this thirst and I could not make it happen. The more I was starved, the hungrier and more desperate I became, the more I built it up into an impossible obstacle, and the more I hated myself for my own self-imposed starvation. Of course by this time, I was setting myself up for such an overwhelming task that I think even if I had found the confidence to ask her out it would have been doomed to failure. I really believe that this love starvation was what threw me into my depressions in my college years. I found brief refuge in getting high, but I realized that was harmful and in trying to give up my one form of medicine, that probably was the last straw in sending me into the plunging depths of depression.

Depression is hell - and spending two consecutive bouts of it at my parents house was probably without a doubt the worst experience I have ever had. If there is one memory that stands out - even more so than dragging the razor blade against my wrists in the hope that somehow I would bleed to death and just get it all over with - it was a memory of standing in front of my mirror and absolutely feeling the strongest loathing for the person who was looking back at me. I absolutley despised this person I was staring back at and blamed him for falling apart and having to live in the empty hell of my bleak parent's house. I blamed him for not finding love, for ending up in this hellish situation, for not making it at school, for not having a future, for not being able to survive in a competitive world, for not having what it took to do anything - and it was quite natural I hated myself for all these things enough to want to do myself in, because I really believed all of these things. It is hard to believe there is anything positive that comes from feeling this - but the one positive I see in looking back at this was that all this came to the surface. Sure if I had known anything about the blood supply in the wrists I could have succeeded in my attempt, but I didn't even know how angry I was, how much I hated myself - I thought in some strange way everything was okay up to this point because it was all that I knew.

So - somehow I have gotten from there to here - I am not exactly sure how - and that person staring back at me in hate is not a person who has gone away yet - but he is no longer in charge of me either. I see him trying to creep back from time to time, and I know he is still there. Sometimes on a particularly dark night, I hear him trying to tell me just to end it all - that it is too much - the bills, the responsibility - that I am not cut out for it. Yet he has been revealed and he is no longer the one completely in charge now.

Anything in life worth achieving involves practice of some sort. I may not be a technical guitar wizard, but I spent a lot of time learning to learn the part I wanted to - to pick a certain way, learn the scales, figure out how to write songs - and my love of music has brought me to where I am. I have realized that music and expression not only brings a lot of the hidden darkness to the surface, but it also can be a way of meditating on love, fulfillment, self-confidence, and believing in one's self. Although I have now experienced the joys of physical fulfillment with another female, I also know that it is fleeting and you can't count on it. You can't count on anyone being by your side, being in the same mood you are in on a passionate level, you can't depend on anyone else to reassure you that you are desirable, attractive, or have value. But through repeating these thoughts to yourself, in song, while you are getting ready to sleep, or in the middle of the night between hours of sleep, you can program yourself to start to believe it.

This has been my mission in life - to continue to meditate on love, self-love, acceptance, faith, and belief in a higher power that somehow or another is looking after me and protecting me. I believe these things, I sing about them when the sun is setting, I see that the real purpose of my job - besides paying the bills and feeding the family and dogs - is to bring my human presence to others going through a difficult time to try to make it better for them. I was even able to cheer up a woman in my office who had been told off by another, telling her not to take it personal - to believe in herself and not let the other person's problems become hers - and she later thanked me for it. I know it is often redundant to say these things over and over to myself, but I can't take my eye off the ball.

Ironically when I fell in love on line almost 3 years ago, once the ashes scattered it taught me that I could feel a passionate type of romance with a being not physically present - and I still interact with this presence, even though the being who was participating with me at the time has since moved on and found her own real life love. That presence can be there - you can be in love without straying from your home or surroundings - as I once wrote about in a song with the chorus "I once called her Cathy, once called her Renee but she never has gone left or went away" - these are names of the first and last female presence I had fallen in love with, but even if you can't see, feel or hear these people any more, you can still tap into that presence and feeling of being in love. It is a world of imagination, and maybe only as real as it needs to be, but real in its own way and I still feel like I am in love, but it is no longer with any one female human being - it is more with my own Jungian anima that was ultimately the being I was chasing all along. In bringing back in what was once projected out, that is what I mean by the last line of the chorus "she lives in my heart now I'm just bringing her right back home".

This isn't a happily ever after story - this is ongoing. The winter comes and it is more difficult to access, there is still a well of grief, hurt and anger that continues to live on. But unlike the man I was about 20 years ago, I now have the medicine to counter it. The medicine is love - and my battle is the battle we all face - on the individual and collective level.

As my new musical lyrical guru, Michael Franti - ever so accurately put it:

"Love like your life depends on it, because it does"