Dealing with my parents always has sucked and it always will. It was either emotional abuse, screaming diabolical diatribes, guilt, denial - it was horrible and I never want to go back but at the same time
I can't entirely get away from it either. So when they excluded my wife on an offer to come down and see them, naturally my thoughts were racing in my head. Hadn't they figured out that after months of not speaking to them that this was not going to help their cause? Was it their way of showing they were really the ones in charge - in an underhanded sneaky way, slipping a little cyanide pill back into the marriage explosion to see if I was going to bite down on it? I said nothing at first, switched blog addresses - and I was ready to never speak to them again. But then the daughter's shrink told my wife that I had to get my ass on the phone and call them out on the whole thing. So I did - and it was a pretty tense discussion. But I basically said extend the invitation to all of us or forget the whole fucking thing. I never did say "fuck" - my dad resorted to the word when in response to my previous blog posts he said it was clear my thoughts were stated that he had "fucked me over" in his upbringing of me (true enough). But I stayed cool - said hey man - that is the past - let's look to the present. Upon being pressed, he admitted my wife was deliberately left off because they still hold a grudge against her for some things she did to them that they entirely deserve and then some. Of course - they will see themselsves as the victims of that as well. Pops was not used to the terms being set on him, but had to accept the fact that I didn't care if the trip happened or not, that frankly if I never saw them again it was not going to bug me too much - and that as much as he is used to holding all the cards, the inheritance card clearly meant nothing to me and that if he didn't cave in, it was not going to happen - period - end of discussion. I stayed calm and polite, even did some obligatory bullshit at the beginning of the call - but just like negotiating a settlement with an attorney I stayed firm that this was the deal - you can be the one to not let it go down if you wanna, but I set the terms. I also switched the communications to phone vs. e-mail - not hiding behind the blue screen but talking it out. So it was a big step for me to stand my ground with them, because frankly I have been beaten down my whole life and accepted whatever scraps have been thrown in my direction. The end result is the trip will go down, they did extend the invitation to my wife - who after careful thought decided to see them would be just too damn miserable, and my daughter gets to go to Disney-ville. It was a big accomplishment for me to set terms with them without screaming or saying fuck off. Our daughter's shrink says dealing with them is like dealing with unruly kids - you have to set boundaries. They will never be anything other than what they are - there will never be an apology or admission of any kind from them, but maybe there was a little respect I forced out of their hands. I spend a couple days and nights feeling nauseous over the whole thing, but now I am ready to get this fucking trip over with and just let it happen. Confronting a situation and setting boundaries is the way one goes from being the victim to being in charge of one's destiny - and I can't deny all the shit that has gone down in my life, but I can decide to move on from it too. People give you as much power as you allow them to - and sometimes you just got to yank it out of their hands.
I can't entirely get away from it either. So when they excluded my wife on an offer to come down and see them, naturally my thoughts were racing in my head. Hadn't they figured out that after months of not speaking to them that this was not going to help their cause? Was it their way of showing they were really the ones in charge - in an underhanded sneaky way, slipping a little cyanide pill back into the marriage explosion to see if I was going to bite down on it? I said nothing at first, switched blog addresses - and I was ready to never speak to them again. But then the daughter's shrink told my wife that I had to get my ass on the phone and call them out on the whole thing. So I did - and it was a pretty tense discussion. But I basically said extend the invitation to all of us or forget the whole fucking thing. I never did say "fuck" - my dad resorted to the word when in response to my previous blog posts he said it was clear my thoughts were stated that he had "fucked me over" in his upbringing of me (true enough). But I stayed cool - said hey man - that is the past - let's look to the present. Upon being pressed, he admitted my wife was deliberately left off because they still hold a grudge against her for some things she did to them that they entirely deserve and then some. Of course - they will see themselsves as the victims of that as well. Pops was not used to the terms being set on him, but had to accept the fact that I didn't care if the trip happened or not, that frankly if I never saw them again it was not going to bug me too much - and that as much as he is used to holding all the cards, the inheritance card clearly meant nothing to me and that if he didn't cave in, it was not going to happen - period - end of discussion. I stayed calm and polite, even did some obligatory bullshit at the beginning of the call - but just like negotiating a settlement with an attorney I stayed firm that this was the deal - you can be the one to not let it go down if you wanna, but I set the terms. I also switched the communications to phone vs. e-mail - not hiding behind the blue screen but talking it out. So it was a big step for me to stand my ground with them, because frankly I have been beaten down my whole life and accepted whatever scraps have been thrown in my direction. The end result is the trip will go down, they did extend the invitation to my wife - who after careful thought decided to see them would be just too damn miserable, and my daughter gets to go to Disney-ville. It was a big accomplishment for me to set terms with them without screaming or saying fuck off. Our daughter's shrink says dealing with them is like dealing with unruly kids - you have to set boundaries. They will never be anything other than what they are - there will never be an apology or admission of any kind from them, but maybe there was a little respect I forced out of their hands. I spend a couple days and nights feeling nauseous over the whole thing, but now I am ready to get this fucking trip over with and just let it happen. Confronting a situation and setting boundaries is the way one goes from being the victim to being in charge of one's destiny - and I can't deny all the shit that has gone down in my life, but I can decide to move on from it too. People give you as much power as you allow them to - and sometimes you just got to yank it out of their hands.
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