Did you only need me for those three days

You say there's always gonna be this thing
Between us days are filled with dreams
Scorpions crawl across my screen
Make their home beneath my skin
Underneath my dress stick their tongues
Bite through the flesh down to the bone
And I have been so fuckin' alone
Since those three days
Did you only want me for those three days?
Did you only need me for those three days?
Did you love me foreverjust for those three days?

by Lucinda Williams

Is it possible to have PTSD from 3 days on a cruise? Dan wrote about having something like that after hiking 2600 miles - so why would 3 days on a fucking boat do that - unless it was exposure to the family that did it to me. But here I am - the summer - a time I normally enjoy - seems to be getting me down. Every day gets a little further away from the event, but every day is not quite far enough. The folks and I are back to not speaking to each other again - all of the cruise stuff I posted on My Space and I don't think they are too happy about it. They are pissed off that I am not grateful for subjecting me to this nightmare since they funded it. Meanwhile, all sorts of painful shit - like the stuff with my brother in the last post has come up - and the best way for me to deal with the majority of my family - is just to keep them as far away from me as I can - physically and mentally. How could have anyone possibly imagined a possible worse setting for a dreaded gathering to take place than on a fucking cruise line. It's like God wanted to make it as bad as possible. I got some pics in the mail from Edie yesterday (surprise surpise - I am not in a single one of them). It appears the in crowd was spending a lot of time together. Surprisingly nobody seemed to invite us to any of these gatherings - not that we would have necessarily wanted to come. If not for Sara running into them, she would not have been either. I just want to know - how 3 fucking days - preparing for them, and now recovering from them - could have fucked me up so much.

I know I know - gotta be like some and family who just let it come and go and just don't let it get to them. I wish anyways. Just not who I am. Still - every day it is a little further behind me.

The silent war that bloodied both our hands

Lyrics from My Brother Esau by John Barlow:

Esau skates on mirrors anymore...
He meets his pale reflection at the door.
Yet sometimes at night I dream
He's still that hairy man
Shadowboxing the Apocalypse
And wandering the land
Shadowboxing the Apocalypse
And wandering the land.

Esau holds a blessing;
Brother Esau bears a curse.
I would say that the blame is mine
But I suspect it's something worse.
The more my brother looks like me,
The less I understand
The silent war that bloodied both our hands
Sometimes at night, I think I understand.

Sometimes the spaces in between say more than the words on the page. Sometimes the words not said speak louder. My brother has just finished writing his first book. There is a lot to be impressed about. He has a publisher who has backed him and sent him to various places to promote it. You can order it on line as I did. It appears to be doing well for a book of its kind. Dan sought me out to warn me that there was a part in there that refers to me - but it was really not to be intended as a literal statement. The opposite rule works well with most of my family including Dan. Take what they say - take the opposite of it - and there it is. So when he says he wanted me to be struck down by lightning in his book, his attempts to diminish and distance himself from this only serve to reinforce it in my mind. I don't take it too personally though. He has basically shunned me for the last 20 years. I have been shut out. Being struck by lightning pales in comparison. My wife read the first two chapters and I didn't even know that certain phases of his life existed. The book is well written - I need my dictionary to look up some of the words. He paints a picture in a novel setting in a way that I would never be able to bring myself to do. It is quite clear that he reveals some and holds quite a bit back, but that is who he is. He does not lay all the cards out on the table. My folks never have, and he has inherited that from them. To toot my own horn here, I have always seen that as my ability. I respect those who can't do what I can do - I couldn't hike the Pacific Crest Trail and I couldn't write a book - or let's just say - wouldn't want to do either one. I am more of a short essay type - I spit it out and I am done. I don't want to revisit or rewrite it. Honestly I am not too interested - to borrow a Rutles line - in flogging my memory and filling in the blanks in the past for events I barely even remember from 10 years ago. I get bits and pieces, sometimes I write bits and pieces, but I just don't see a whole book in me.

But getting back to the biggest kick in the ass - it is in the two page thanks and acknowledgements section. Over half of the family is mentioned - Mom, Dad, Edie. Two people - I know - the two ASS-HOLES of the family - are left out. One being myself, and the other being Phil. The two mean older brothers. The two ones who never respected the baby brother. I don't want to sound egotistical, but I know I have had a big influence on him and still do. To not mention me - in the same way he danced over Amy's absence on the cruise by saying she was "sick" is just another elephant in the room. I was sick that week too - sick with emotional nausea. I could have gotten the doctor's note by saying I was having suicidal urges. But I went anyway- for my daughter's sake. She had a great time and even if I am scarred for life I did it for her. That's being a Dad for you. Otherwise no way in hell I would have put myself through this. I admire her for not going - for being the one person who was not going to subject herself to unnecesary misery in dealing with my folks. I believe I had a share in inspiring him to write this book - the way he mentioned those who told him he couldn't do the trail pushed him to show them he could. My biggest crime while being young was making fun of his writing. Well - FUCK YOU - I wrote a book - how do ya like them apples. I know I was part of it. To not mention my name was a way to specifically get another revenge stab back at me. That seems to be the silent jab in there. FUCK YOU - I am going to make it a point NOT to mention you. And if the intention was to hurt me - mission accomplished. I didn't have the best dreams last night. I had a dream something like there was this brief window of time where he could be open and honest with me, but that window kept closing in.

I don't remember too much of my dispute with Dan. I know it was ongoing. It goes back to my earliest memory - even being close to 4 - I was fighting with him. I don't know why. Who is to blame for this? Do I blame my mother for her constant psychotic rages? Do I blame my father for his unrealistic expectations of my mother, and his rages toward her, that in turn caused her to pass the shit down hill, until I in turn passed it down one more rung to my brother, and he had no place left to pass it down to? When I mocked him for saying how much he liked ice cream - yeah - that was pretty lame. Do I regret all this happened? Well of course I do. I am sorry that it happened. But how many fucking times can I apologize? FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME - I'M SORRY. Sorry - I am done apologizing. I think of the Michael Franti line from One Step Closer "I didn't mean to hurt you no, and you didn't mean to hurt me too - but it seems like we always do." But - I don't blame myself - not any more. I don't really know who to blame. What good is it going to do anyways? The past sucks, but I can choose to let it keep on sucking or finally say enough is enough. It is like this sick cloud of mental illness and dark rage and despair settled over my family and we all succumbed to it - every one of us. That is why going on this cruise was something I dreaded so much - because I don't really care to be brought back to it and my parent's delusional attempts to see us as being a close family just seems that much more desperate and pathetic to me. Don Miguel Ruiz says we can punish ourselves over and over for an event in the past that happened once. I have forgiven myself. I may have had an 18 month edge over Dan at one point, but he probably could kick my ass now. He is stronger, more muscular, and in better shape. And I do remember that although I was pretty mean to him, that it was not all one-sided either. He had his way of getting back at me too. He made it a point to stick the knife in my back when I came back from college in a depression. He almost seemed to be gloating and acting like I deserved it. Scoreboard - karma. He would mock me when I got high. He even had his way of nailing me when we were young. The scoreboard is not nearly as onesided as he thinks it is. Maybe I was winning the brutality game, but he got some pretty good hits on me in the process. He underestimated his own power. I might have been one mean son of a bitch, but he was a mean motherfucker too. I had one and a half years on him, but the older we got he bridged the gap closely. It wasn't all bad though - I made him laugh - he liked my twisted sense of humor. At the God awful boring religious services, I had him in tears a couple times. What is sad to me is that he still feels like it was all my fault and has blamed the whole thing on me. We spent a lot of time together growing up. In college we communicated some, but it got ugly at times. And then at one point, the door just closed shut - BOOM OUTTA HERE. It has never opened since. It is so big I am not sure if it can be opened any more. On the cruise he made it clear that he is over all of this, no longer sees me as the voice of his undoing, and no longer wishes me to be struck down by lightning. He is past all this now. Just like the line from Spinal Tap where Nigel says something like brothers fight, but our relationship is way past that now. I wished that I believed Dan. I just know that is not the way he feels, even if that is how he tries to present it. Actions speak louder than words.

I admit - I do want us to be close. I just don't see it as being possible. He fooled me last time I saw him at Mammoth Lakes - I thought he wanted that too. But I grasped like Charlie Brown at Lucy's football - SUCKER! It became quickly clear that I fell for the show, but that is all it was. I know better now. I came into the cruise prepared this time. We avoided each other the first two days. The last day he sought me out to be with me on the deck with my guitar. He said it meant a lot to me that I was there. I do believe him. I do believe he meant it. That is what is crazy about this - it is not all one sided. There is an incredible amount of rage and hatred he has for what I represent to him, but that has taken on a life of its own. I am not that person any more, but that is how he will always see me. At one point maybe I acted out the part, but my personality has changed. I am not a bitter 4 year old looking to bully his brother any more. Hell - almost 40 fucking years have passed. But he is still there. Yet in a way he looks up to me too. Our writing styles are kind of like opposites. His is poised, prepared, researched with picturesque and elaborate words, mine are more raw in your face unconscious exposure of emotions. Here I am - I am naked - my penis is dangling out to the left. What you see is what you get. If you put our two styles together, imagine what we could do. He did make an effort to come out and see me a few times - ironically shortly after his hike. Every time though something went wrong, either an exchange with Vicky, or I found out that I treaded on too personal territory by bringing up his mental collapse - never mind that I shared a similar collapse. He wrote to me in a fit of rage - don't EVER EVER EVER EVER - bring it up again. So I haven't. I thought it was something that could bond us. He saw it as an intrusion. He was enraged by my wife asking him how he was doing in his relationship. Way too personal. So when we see him now we watch what we say. If you have so many limiations on what you can bring up, than what is there left to discuss? So although the intent was there, we are back to square one. He says he may come out this way to see us. Honestly I am not holding my breath.

I feel bad for him too. I get a sense he is not walking on solid ground. There was a pretty retarded review at Amazon condeming his book and he seemed consumed by it. He took it very personally. I tried to convey some of the Ruiz philosophy - don't take anything personally - believe in your work and fuck everyone else. Who cares. I actually felt a current of spirit going through me as I tried to discuss this with him. It was one of the high points of my trip. I guess that is one thing that separates us now - I just don't get too caught up in what others think of me now. With the wife and family it is a little harder to do. Obviously my omission in his book was a slap in the face to me, but in time that will fade too. At some point I will surrendur to the script of my life and move on. I am probably not reading much more of the book - I honestly find it too depressing to be reminded of the shut-out and how much of his life I have been left out of, but Victoria will find the lightning sequence and convey it to me. What am I going to do - hire a hitman at that point? For me - the most hurtful thing that happened was the excommunication. I have found his replacement - to a degree - in some of my best friends, Kirk, Youndy, John, Rich and Joe - they have become my brothers and then some. I can say anything to them. And I still have a bond with my older brother Phil. But to say it doesn't hurt - hell - I am lying. He thinks I deserve it and he will always see me owing him for what I did. I just don't see it that way. So here we are - so close but worlds apart. Like the song lyric says - both our hands are bloodied, not just mine - not just his - both. Can this ever change or are we stuck in this limited role playing for the rest of our lives? Hell - our time may be running out - people start getting cancer at our age. Michael Franti writes "It's never too late to start the day over". It seems like in this case it is, but if he ever wants to prove me wrong - I am here. I have a lot to offer. I know I do. But at this point, it is just going to go where it goes. I am not delusional though. It is dead and it is never going to come back to life. And quite frankly - as broken as he is now (however much of it is seemingly my doing) - I don't really see what he has to offer me anyways.

"Like a steam locomotive - rolling down the track
He's gone - and nothing's gonna bring him back" Robert Hunter

Poised for flight, wings spread bright, spring from night into the sun

(from Help on the Way - lyrics - Robert Hunter) This is intended to be a reading in a meditation setting - in the most relaxed setting possible - with some nice Loreena McKennitt style music and soothing incense. Today I am living in this moment and this moment is now. We forget about our responsibilities, our desires, where we want to be, what we expect from ourselves and others - all that is set aside and we can return to it when we need to. As of now, we breathe in - slowly and concentrate on every breath coming in and out of our bodies. We reflect on the miracle of this simple process - taking in the oxygen we need to give our bodies life, and we see that it is not just oxygen and air coming in, but the great an all empowering life force which some of us know as God or Goddess - she is a living being that is inside all of us and every object and being that surrounds us - all is alive and we reflect on the miracle of life, the simple miracle that we live at this very moment, in this very set time and space where we can breathe in, and have the ability to sustain life through water and food. As we breathe in this life force, we breathe in love as well - an equally essential nutrient that by choice at times we deprive ourselves of. As of now - I breathe in this breath and I breathe in life, love and I for this one moment take in and feel the joy of being alive.

Maybe this joy is not something I am feeling at the moment. Maybe at this moment I am immersed in sadness and pain. I came into this world with innocence and trust, and at some point along the way that innocence and trust was betrayed. I looked to the ones who raised me in trust and hope to love me and take care of me, but instead something else happened - maybe this is so painful that I cannot even completely take it in. This may have happened many years ago, but for ages upon ages I have chosen - consciously and unconcsiously - to relive it over and over again. Because it has happened, my world is a world of constant pain and grief. Everything appears to be hopeless and meaningless. I live in a continual state of grieving and I don't even know it. I even find the thought coming into my head - why do this right now - because what does it matter anyways - I will just return to this world of pain and grief and it is all that I know and all that there is. I wear my pain on my sleeve, and every day is a pointless and empty void inside of me that knows no bounds. Everything seems pointless, and yet I do this anyways because I have to. I have to go through the motions, be a parent, do chores and respond to those who love me, but there is no love inside me and I have nothing to give anyways. I am a fraud, I feel loathing toward myself because I am not what I should be. I judge myself and condemn myself to experience the past indefinitely because I do not deserve to be happy. At some point, every day there is a choice to experience happiness or sadness. I choose sadness and emptiness because I deserve nothing more. And yet if I look very deep - deep into the well of the emptiness, the void of lifelessness that seems to expand infinitely - forever and forever - I see a light that goes beyond the darkness. This light is the love that I breathe in now with this very breath. For this moment, I immerse myself in this light and love. Yes - I may have been starved for this love and light as a child, and maybe I was not able to quench this thirst or the hunger, but now - at this very moment - through the miracle of this breath - the life that the Goddess force allows us to live - I empower myself with the force and power of this all loving and all knowing Goddess force and I choose happiness. I know that no matter where I am and where I go, I always have this choice in my heart. If I pray for happiness I can make it happen, as impossible at it may seem. I do not need this from any other person, place or thing - all I need is the love and light that I take in with this very breath, the loving sweet breath of the Goddess herself.

I am walking through a beautiful forest. In this forest I see everything is very colorful and alive - the trees have faces that are powerful and mystical all knowing beings that have been here forever, the sun shines through the tips of the trees, the animals are speaking to me - all the colors of the rainbow are present in the living beings, trees, and flowers and this is the most beautiful place in the world. I am not alone here - all of the animals, trees, plants and flowers are extensions and living beings of the Goddess, and although I see no other fellow human beings around me I have never felt so present - so together with the life force. And then there is a shaded area where all of this stops. It is like a cave where all of a sudden this one spot is disconnected from all of this. I step closer and I hear the voice of a small kitten, and then I see her - she is small, helpless and my heart wants to make her better and save her. It appears that she has not been fed, she needs water, food - but more than anything she needs love. I have a responsiblity to take care of her, to give her the nutrients she needs, but I have been so caught up in my own grief, sorrow, and emptiness that I have neglected her and she is dying because of me - and I am dying with her - because in my connectedness to the world and the universe, I realize that she is me. I have created this separation from the beautiful forest around me because I feel safe here. I realize that through the power of the all loving Goddess that runs through me, that I have the choice to go to either place. I make this choice every single day, and although it does not feel like I am making the choice, it is in fact exactly what I am doing. There is an amazing all knowing spirit and Goddess that runs through me, but I shun her. I cut off her life because I don't feel worthy of her. I cut her off and retreat to this dark cave because I do not believe I deserve anything better. I choose a life of continual self-doubt, pain and sadness because I am choosing to punish myself every day for a past even that I can't even remember and was not even my fault - but I blame myself for this.

At this point I pray to God, the Goddess - the love and light all around me and I realize this one tihng - I can stay in my cave - cut off from life, love, food, water and nutrients and the kitten will die. My soul is dying in this state and the kitten as a reflection of me is dying too. Or else I can decide that I am one with the God and the Goddess - she runs through me and rather than reject her presence I beg her, pray to her, summon her and if I do this with all of my heart, soul, and intent she will arrive to me. This is happening right now. If I choose her, she will be here. I do not need to follow anybody. This does not need to happen with a church, religious instition, guru or group. I do not need anybody else to show me the way. The way is right here - right now - right in front of me - and deep down when I look to my deeper self, my deeper soul - that stranger who on some level has become distant, and yet as I look deeper I know she is no stranger at all - she is very familiar and very present - I know that I have this power. I can make a miracle happen at this very moment - I can choose to believe in myself. I believe in myself, I belive in the God, the Goddess and the miracle and then she is present and she is here now. As I believe in her, with all of my heart and soul, I look down at the kitten and I see a different being altogether. She is no longer starving and thin, but she is nurtured and full. She purrs with content, and she is coming to life as I believe in the possibility of this miracle. But the moment I choose to go back to the pointlessness, the emptiness, the grieving - she returns to the starving creature that she is.

There is no one being that needs to destroy the other. Accepting the miracle of the joy, love and beauty of the Goddess does not mean that pain and grieving are a thing of the past. The grieving woman - mourning in her black dress and head cover - can continue to grieve and mourn as long as she needs to. Maybe the pain is so strong that the grieving will take lifetimes upon lifetimes of sadness. But we remember one thing as we continue with this exercise - she is not the only one. On one side she grieves, she cries, she wails at how unjust and how unfair life has been. She doubts herself and her own abiltity to live. But she is not the only one here. On the other side is a being of pure light and love that brings color, connectedness and meaning to everything. She is an all powerful mothering being who is the mother we have longed for but never had, but she is here right now if we choose her to be. Every moment we make this choice. It is not a choice to relinquish pain and never feel it again, but it is a choice to medicate and soothe the pain and to realize that there is more than the pain. The pain is not all that there is. On the other side, there is the pain, joy and beauty in every aspect of life that we are all entitled to feel while we are blessed to spend our remaining hours roaming this planet. At this very moment - no matter what I am feeling - no matter how sad, hurt, angry or empty - I choose to embrace the love, beauty and nurturning of the Goddess force. And the kitten comes to life with every breath - as every breath affirming life comes into my body, I cradle her, nourish her, and feed her and I feed myself as I do this.

I'll promise you anything - get me out of this hell

(from Cold Turkey) I am trying to get in touch with this dream that keeps haunting me - you know dreams are somewhat evasive - but I'll do my best through the power of active imagination and recall to try to get in touch with this demon that has taken hold of my mind via the cruise experience. It starts with coming onto the ship. Everything about it feels wrong - it is like the smell, that deodorizer is trying to cover something up - I don't know - maybe it is the smell of raw sewage that I smelled throughout the actual ordeal, maybe it is death - the death of the environment, the living dead who roam the ship as vampires looking to pour blood into their empty souls via the alcoholic blood transfusion, but everything is screaming at me that I don't belong here and yet at the same time, here I am - and once I set foot on board I can never get off - sure it may seem just another 36 hours, just another 24 hours and 37 minutes (but who is counting) - but that is all part of the illusion - the idea that you can escape from hell is all the part of what makes it all the more hellish - because somehow you really do think you will be able to escape, and believe it but it is all in vain. Hell I am still on that hell-hole of a ship now - I can feel the room inside the house slowly starting to tilt back and forth, I can feel the faint trace of nausea in the background as the experience of returning to the scene of the crime comes back.Curiously absent in these dreams is the presence of my family - it is almost like they were never there to begin with - it is just the trick of my mind - though I can almost see my father in the form of a living corpse with skin falling off the bones with an empty smile stating - "izzzzznnn't thisssssssssss a life of lugggggzzzzzuurrry" (to live so pleasantly) as he is sitting inside a restaurant where barrels upon barrels of rotting moldy decomposing food are spilled all over the table, almost coming to life as creatures of their own, like slithering intestines swarming with maggots, creatures so completely nauseating on every level that it is hard to be in the presence of them without wanting to endlessly throw up - a throw up that cannot ever quite get the nausea out - and he is soon joined by other corpses at the table and he is hanging onto a few slime encrusted moldy coins that keep falling through his boney fingers and he is grinning mindlessly stating in a hypnotized vampiric bloodless tone as he holds them 'yewwwllll nevvvvver hafffff to work annnuuuutther dayyyyyyyy in yourrrrrrr liiifffeeeeee' and laughing as if these coins somehow or another hold the key to my future, and in holding these coins he holds that key himself.And then I walk onto the upper deck and everyone is setting themselves on fire and burning up, but they are not particularly concerned about it - as they seem to believe the very colorful beverages they hold in their hand will douse the fire and stop themselves from utter destruction - as it is a slow burn, but a burn nevertheless and although everyone seems to be smiling an imbecilic mindless bloodshot eye smile, they are quite in deed in fact slowly destroying themselves as they do it. And all along the way, a slow demonic voice is coming through the PA system saying 'last channsssssss to win BINNNNGGGOOO - it's a four thoussssssssssand dollllar jacckkkkkkpoottt and it alllll mustttt go" and he has said this every day for eternity, because this same day has repeated itself endlessly - over and over - the same day - as it will forever and there is just enough memory to realize that there is no real way anyone can win because to win means to leave and nobody - including myself - will ever escape from this neverending hellish misery. The crew keeps saying "goood morning" but underneath the bloodshot decomposing zombie eyes it is clear that in the respectful and polite friendliness there is in fact a desire to murder and eat the respected guests for dinner and they are waiting to see if you are maybe not one of them too and the only way to fool them is to smile smile SMILE - and act like you are having the TIME OF YOUR LIFE - and maybe if you smile too hard they might know, but if you don't smile at all they will realize that you are a real live HUMAN BEING - and descend upon the brains and eyeballs like thirsty vampires craving the food they have thirsted an eternity for.But if you want to leave the ship - sure - no problem - all you have to do - is find the MAGIC NUMBER - it is right in the middle of the card - the one that has the key to your jail cell quarters - but easy enough to find it - just find the one right in the middle - slightly left of center but a little to the right under the left and take that number and square it - divide it by 7 and multiply it by three and then find that magic number and it is all you need to get off the ship and then you can leave - you can really leave - they are even holding the door open for you with that creepy lifeless smile - and everyone believes it - they believe they are going to leave - you want to believe that you are going to leave but deep down - you know this mother fucking blood sucking life draining stinky death ship - the ship with that pleasant little deodorizer to cover up the blood, sewage and decomposing bodies - is the rest of eternity - because there really is no escape from that cheezy PA system - this is ETERNITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEE

You can check out any time but you can never leave

If you don't know what that line is from I can't help you. I can tell you I didn't think of it. You know I thought once I stepped off the ship it would end. For almost 2 years (I think I knew on some level it was inevitable I was going to end up on the croooooooooooooozzzzzzzzzz ship) I dreaded the encounter, anticipated it. It triggered dormant rage issues, it triggered yet another power struggle with the Gods who raised me, it triggered a dispute with my wife, a drama with my daughter, I am going to have to withdraw more money from my retirement plan just to cover my side of the trip expenses - for a trip that I dreaded and never wanted to do in the first place - I mean I AM NOT COMPLAINING (it may seem like it) in that I know this is all my KARMA - and nobody took a gun to my head or anything - even though a wife's pressure in some ways is probably worse - but what I am saying is that out of my own seemingly FREE WILL (if that really exists) I did agree to go on this dreaded outing - and during the trip - it really - amazingly - wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - thanks to the miraculous escape of Deck 7 and the ability for me to retreat with my guitar. The food - I'd give it a C+ - and the family interaction was about what I expected it to be - restrained, polite, distant. I just thought once I walked off the ship it would be over. But

IT'S NOT OVER!!! - I keep obsessively having bad dreams about ships now. I am stuck on one, I can't get off one, I am back to the scene of the crime and it won't leave me alone. Every fucking night I dream about a ship and this is haunting me and I think I am really messed up now. What's going on? This is going to screw me up. I may even have to do something really drastic - like quit my job, have my house foreclosed and show up at my parent's front door with a beggars' bag and see if they will let me move back in with them - because I can't get these dreams to go away. I am haunted now, I am branded for life - I will spend the rest of my eternity in a dream world as a prisoner on a haunted ghost ship and they won't let me off the boat. When I die and go to the next realm I know where it will be - I will be spending limbo on a ship. And I thought it was all over - but it's not - HELPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Test me - test me - Why don't you arrest me

This secret blog may not be so much of a secret any more - anybody who has read my shit somewhere else - I left great big gaping foot prints for everyone to track me over here. So this may not be a great secret any more. Oh well - nothing to hide anyways. I saw in the paper some people actually end up doing time over the pics that show up on their sites. Good thing my party days are long gone in the past - and that's the truth - and nothing but.

Mountains of the Moon - Electra - bow and bend to me

Twenty degrees of solitude,

twenty degrees in all,

All the dancing kings and wives

assembled in the hall.

Lost is the long and loneliest town

fairy sybil flying.

All along the, all along

the mountains of the moon

Where I live I get an incredible access to a view of an event that is pure religion from my limited "fucking perspective". From the kitchen side of my backyard last night I could see the moon rising over the Rawe Peak mountain range. At different times of the year she (I almost wrote it - my mistake) may appear to be rising from different portions of the mountain range. I knew where to look since it had occurred the previous night. It starts with a very faint glow of light - almost kind of orange, and you can't even quite tell if it is real or not because it is so faint, but the color and intensity slowly starts to lighten up until it turns a very distinct white. The white glows more intensely and there is an almost orgasmic anticipation of the rising of our beautiful lady of the night. And then just when it seems like it is going to take forever, the very tip emerges of a pure, beautiful glowing white light, just over the top of the left side of the range, and then slowly but surely she emerges - her glowing white face, pure heavenly light - the light that reminds me of the reported images of those who have claimed to survive a death experience and imagine they are being pulled to a light.

I was outside - singing the above listed Grateful Dead song as this even occurred, also turning to my favorite personal song that describes the interaction between an observer and a very seemingly spiritually charged environment - which I call "The Witching Hour" - with a tribute line "souring to a black cloud in the sky, with a full moon pouring through a flowing tide" (never mind that I got the flowing tide idea from a nearby dive restaurant) - and then of course - followed by one of my favorite lyrical experiences of the Grateful Dead - Help On the Way - and this way my own way of having a tribal experience with this event. I understand out in Reno they have all night drum circles during the full moon - a little much for a 42 year old who likes to get his sleep, but even so - I am out there alone with this experience - not entirely as I feel a connection to a Goddess force in the shape of the moon, and very much apart of God's world and when I experience this, I don't really feel alone - but I couldn't help but wonder why I was alone in my neighborhood observing this- with all the AC's roaring (like we really even need them at all - what the hell did they do before they were invented - I think AC's will go down in eventual history as the reason our species became instinct), and most people inside, probably watching some cheesy movie on their big screen TV's - trying to re-enact a little fantasy in their lives, when outside Mother Nature was putting on an incredible show that nobody even cared about. It made me long for the tribal days when that was the entertainment, when there was no TV or AC to turn to and the Great Mother Goddess in the form of the moon was the source of inspiration and light for all to see. What the hell has happened to us that we can't see the light in front of our eyes.

Even so - I stayed out enjoying this incredible light for as long as I could, and I felt so fortunate to be able to have this experience, to musically and spiritually connect to it with my voice and guitar, to have this soothing blissful light just pouring into my soul. I would like to try to put into words better, but "Statements Just seem Vain at Last".