Once I had a little game

Once I had, a little game
I liked to crawl, back in my brain
I think you know, the game
I mean I mean the game, called 'go insane'
you should try, this little game
Just close your eyes, forget your name
Forget the world, forget the people
And we'll erect, a different steeple
This little game, is fun to do
Just close your eyes, no way to lose
And I'm right there, I'm going too
Release control, we're breaking thru

(Jim Morrison)

Patience runs out on the junkie
The dark side hires another soul
Did he steal his fate or earn it
Was he force-fed, did he learn it
Whatever happened to his precious self control
Like him I'm tired of trying to heal
This tom-cat heart with which I'm blessed
Is destruction loving's twin
Must I choose to lose or win
Maybe when my turn comes I will have guessed

from "Victim or the Crime"

Yesterday I felt like I was cracking up. I have found there is a down-side to Sam-E - it is like a prolonged cup of coffee - which is great for staying awake - I relied on it to get me through my marathon of roof inspections in humid Nebraska, but it also has a way of planting a doubtful anxiety bordering upon anger seed in my head - and it did a good job of that yesterday. The daily countdown to the Voyage of the Damned seems to give me plenty to write about. And dealing with my parents to an outsider would border upon the assinine and absurd, and if it wasn't in my head like the parasite Don Ruize writes about it, maybe I could laugh at it too if I wasn't cracking up so much. It was already a year ago when I agreed to sell my soul and embark on this voyage that my father already let me know we were not welcome to stay at the house the night before. The reason at the time was it would be too much. But then it turns out Dan - my writer/brother - and his wife - would be staying there. And - the story then changed that in a house where there are 4 bedrooms downstairs and probably close to 3,000 square feet total - there would not be room. I guess Dan and Amy were staying in separate rooms and had a room a piece for their luggage - in other words - it was bullshit. They didn't want Victoria to stay - and as stated in the last post were going to put us in a rat-hole to compromise. So - after I called him - it turned out to be okay to stay there after all - but of course - Victoria already had the message she was not welcome and if we had stayed there it would have gotten ugly, so I made a reservation for the LAX Holiday Inn - plane flight sounds and all - instead - and as it turns out it was an online reservation that couldn't be reversed. Meanwhile my control freak of a Dad said this was out of the question and implied we were welcome all along. I also let slip a much more mild version of the last blog post on My Space (now deleted) implying in so many words that I couldn't wait for the cruise to be over as I was on the verge of losing my mind. So he calls me to complain about that post and tell me I don't have to go and why am I staying at the Holiday Inn - and it is the perfect storm in my head where I finally went to the screaming "leave me the fuck alone" as I hung up and threw the phone into the side of the house, causing the battery to come out. So - then Victoria calls back and basically asks him why we were never welcome in a house with 4 downstairs rooms (and of course he doesn't know what to say) and tells him that we are in fact staying at the Holiday Inn despite his demand to the contrary - and then she manages to hang up on him too. Two hang ups in 15 minutes - not bad. Since he complained we were "out of the way" (according to Map Quest we are a full 19 miles from the port where the cruise will be) she says we will take a cab. Finally he calls back - I have calmed down by now - he agrees he will pick us up at the hotel.

But it is just starting because then my wife questions why I have to lose it on them. She has stayed cool, calm and collected during her portion of the pre-hang up call - so why can't I - and basically what the hell is wrong with me. This behavior is not "normal". Please tell me what behavior is. Mabye it means I am going manic - she suggests. I calmly tell her there is a significant difference between one loud display of anger, vs. mania which is a complete personality transformation affecting sleep patterns and overall behavior over a period of time. Do other members of my family flip out when dealing with my parents? I don't know - maybe you should ask them. But in so many words - it doesn't take a therapist to know she is not comfortable with her own anger, so clearly disapproves of my loud display of it. After all - I have scared Sara. I guess her physical lashings don't scare her. I guess the time she pushed my daughter's head into the cabinet door in response to my daughter throwing something at her, or slapping her in the face when she was a brat in the grocery store - somehow is better than my intense scream and throwing the phone. So I go back to the old - well gee - I guess - you never get angry - and then she tells me to go away - and then to cap it off there is an ugly dispute about when to turn off the air conditioner. Just a day in the life of marital bliss here. As fights go, that one was almost as lame as the one with my parents. Two hang up calls in an hour to my Dad from two different people, and two different fights in that same hour. That hour must have been quite proud of its self.

Really if you take a step back every fight is pretty ridiculous - the problem is sometimes it is hard to do that. I am all for Thich Nhat Hanh's approach to anger - don't let it get to you - don't go off - stay loving and kind - and I really believe it is the best approach. The reality is though - sometimes that parasite is going to win and then it is just going to come out. I don't care how much God-damn anger management or therapy you have, this takes years to overcome. I am better. I don't stay angry, I don't hold grudges, I actually slept some last night, and I did apologize to my Dad for raising my voice - and I am not angry at him now, even if he has been lying his ASS off - and maybe like Kobe I am starting to find out what it tastes like - but even so - that is who he is. They are never going to get along with my wife, and because of that I will never really get along with them. I know Phil and Vicki - have 12 years on me - and they seem to have found a way to not let it get to them. I just am not there yet.

So once you cross over to that point - what do you do? Thankfully I do not resort to violence. I imagine there are some who experience what I do and then start hitting their wives or children. I do have anger issues, and one of my neighbors once thought my loudness was a pre-cursor to violence, but it hasn't happened and I don't see it happening. As a counterpoint, I also do believe "anger can be power" as stated by the Clash, and I used it to end a destructive romance and sometimes it does create a little needed distance - as was the case yesterday. Is it the ideal way to deal with a problem - no - but at the same time - as long as nobody is hurt - I don't see it quite being the end of the world either as my wife does.

I've experienced just about every emotion out there. I have been through full blown depression, I have experienced seething rage, anxiety to the point where the world is caving in, bliss, love, intense self-hatred - have hallucinated to the point where I believed I was dead and the afterlife was not looking all that promising, have been through Shamanic types of trance states from singing in my back yard and/or drumming - I've been through the whole spectrum. Some states are pleasing, others are hell. I am sure in my most extreme states I was perceived as being crazy, self-destructive, imbalanced - but I am proud to say I am functional despite all of that. I know it is a cop-out to blame the past, but objectively speaking I am amazed I even still function after all of the rage and hatred I was subjected to by my borderline mother. And who knows with genetics - what chemical imbalances might be in the mix. But I have said it before - I sang a whole song about "it's gonna go away" and that is the key. Emotions are like the weather - they are very intense, it seems to the point where they are going to destroy everything, but then they pass. When I fell into the abyss at the age of 20, I didn't see a way out - and knowing that I kept on falling. Now I do know it will pass - and ideally the extremes wouldn't have to be experienced at all, but the sad reality is that it just is what it needs to be and I go through what I have to. So where my wife may be the voice of the what the fuck is wrong with you parasite, my response is - I am doing the best I can - even if I do flip out once in a while - and be patient if at all possible - because in a matter of time I'll be back on my feet. You can react to my emotions however you want to, but your reaction is just that - yours. I am sorry for any inconvenience they cause. If you want a guarantee that they will never come back, the only guarantee I can give you is that if you leave my life you will be guaranteed you won't have to be around it any more. My wife was not particularly thrilled with that response, but it was the only one I could give her. I used to go to that groveling I'll work on it - I'll change - anything but please don't go - and now - to borrow the line of my ex - it is more like don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. I love my wife - but can I survive without her? Absolutely - no doubt in my mind. I am doing the best I can - going back to the "Four Agreements" and that is the best I can tell you. I still travel upon the fringes of my emotions from time to time, but rather than saying oh my God I'm going crazy, it is more like - oh yeah - that again. When it comes down are you going crazy? Sure you are. Will you stay that way forever? Only if you believe you will. And when you approach it like that, at some point it just bounces away. It passes. Just like the Monarch of the Seas boat ride will pass. I just have to earn it - and slowly but surely - I will.