Poised for flight, wings spread bright, spring from night into the sun

(from Help on the Way - lyrics - Robert Hunter) This is intended to be a reading in a meditation setting - in the most relaxed setting possible - with some nice Loreena McKennitt style music and soothing incense. Today I am living in this moment and this moment is now. We forget about our responsibilities, our desires, where we want to be, what we expect from ourselves and others - all that is set aside and we can return to it when we need to. As of now, we breathe in - slowly and concentrate on every breath coming in and out of our bodies. We reflect on the miracle of this simple process - taking in the oxygen we need to give our bodies life, and we see that it is not just oxygen and air coming in, but the great an all empowering life force which some of us know as God or Goddess - she is a living being that is inside all of us and every object and being that surrounds us - all is alive and we reflect on the miracle of life, the simple miracle that we live at this very moment, in this very set time and space where we can breathe in, and have the ability to sustain life through water and food. As we breathe in this life force, we breathe in love as well - an equally essential nutrient that by choice at times we deprive ourselves of. As of now - I breathe in this breath and I breathe in life, love and I for this one moment take in and feel the joy of being alive.

Maybe this joy is not something I am feeling at the moment. Maybe at this moment I am immersed in sadness and pain. I came into this world with innocence and trust, and at some point along the way that innocence and trust was betrayed. I looked to the ones who raised me in trust and hope to love me and take care of me, but instead something else happened - maybe this is so painful that I cannot even completely take it in. This may have happened many years ago, but for ages upon ages I have chosen - consciously and unconcsiously - to relive it over and over again. Because it has happened, my world is a world of constant pain and grief. Everything appears to be hopeless and meaningless. I live in a continual state of grieving and I don't even know it. I even find the thought coming into my head - why do this right now - because what does it matter anyways - I will just return to this world of pain and grief and it is all that I know and all that there is. I wear my pain on my sleeve, and every day is a pointless and empty void inside of me that knows no bounds. Everything seems pointless, and yet I do this anyways because I have to. I have to go through the motions, be a parent, do chores and respond to those who love me, but there is no love inside me and I have nothing to give anyways. I am a fraud, I feel loathing toward myself because I am not what I should be. I judge myself and condemn myself to experience the past indefinitely because I do not deserve to be happy. At some point, every day there is a choice to experience happiness or sadness. I choose sadness and emptiness because I deserve nothing more. And yet if I look very deep - deep into the well of the emptiness, the void of lifelessness that seems to expand infinitely - forever and forever - I see a light that goes beyond the darkness. This light is the love that I breathe in now with this very breath. For this moment, I immerse myself in this light and love. Yes - I may have been starved for this love and light as a child, and maybe I was not able to quench this thirst or the hunger, but now - at this very moment - through the miracle of this breath - the life that the Goddess force allows us to live - I empower myself with the force and power of this all loving and all knowing Goddess force and I choose happiness. I know that no matter where I am and where I go, I always have this choice in my heart. If I pray for happiness I can make it happen, as impossible at it may seem. I do not need this from any other person, place or thing - all I need is the love and light that I take in with this very breath, the loving sweet breath of the Goddess herself.

I am walking through a beautiful forest. In this forest I see everything is very colorful and alive - the trees have faces that are powerful and mystical all knowing beings that have been here forever, the sun shines through the tips of the trees, the animals are speaking to me - all the colors of the rainbow are present in the living beings, trees, and flowers and this is the most beautiful place in the world. I am not alone here - all of the animals, trees, plants and flowers are extensions and living beings of the Goddess, and although I see no other fellow human beings around me I have never felt so present - so together with the life force. And then there is a shaded area where all of this stops. It is like a cave where all of a sudden this one spot is disconnected from all of this. I step closer and I hear the voice of a small kitten, and then I see her - she is small, helpless and my heart wants to make her better and save her. It appears that she has not been fed, she needs water, food - but more than anything she needs love. I have a responsiblity to take care of her, to give her the nutrients she needs, but I have been so caught up in my own grief, sorrow, and emptiness that I have neglected her and she is dying because of me - and I am dying with her - because in my connectedness to the world and the universe, I realize that she is me. I have created this separation from the beautiful forest around me because I feel safe here. I realize that through the power of the all loving Goddess that runs through me, that I have the choice to go to either place. I make this choice every single day, and although it does not feel like I am making the choice, it is in fact exactly what I am doing. There is an amazing all knowing spirit and Goddess that runs through me, but I shun her. I cut off her life because I don't feel worthy of her. I cut her off and retreat to this dark cave because I do not believe I deserve anything better. I choose a life of continual self-doubt, pain and sadness because I am choosing to punish myself every day for a past even that I can't even remember and was not even my fault - but I blame myself for this.

At this point I pray to God, the Goddess - the love and light all around me and I realize this one tihng - I can stay in my cave - cut off from life, love, food, water and nutrients and the kitten will die. My soul is dying in this state and the kitten as a reflection of me is dying too. Or else I can decide that I am one with the God and the Goddess - she runs through me and rather than reject her presence I beg her, pray to her, summon her and if I do this with all of my heart, soul, and intent she will arrive to me. This is happening right now. If I choose her, she will be here. I do not need to follow anybody. This does not need to happen with a church, religious instition, guru or group. I do not need anybody else to show me the way. The way is right here - right now - right in front of me - and deep down when I look to my deeper self, my deeper soul - that stranger who on some level has become distant, and yet as I look deeper I know she is no stranger at all - she is very familiar and very present - I know that I have this power. I can make a miracle happen at this very moment - I can choose to believe in myself. I believe in myself, I belive in the God, the Goddess and the miracle and then she is present and she is here now. As I believe in her, with all of my heart and soul, I look down at the kitten and I see a different being altogether. She is no longer starving and thin, but she is nurtured and full. She purrs with content, and she is coming to life as I believe in the possibility of this miracle. But the moment I choose to go back to the pointlessness, the emptiness, the grieving - she returns to the starving creature that she is.

There is no one being that needs to destroy the other. Accepting the miracle of the joy, love and beauty of the Goddess does not mean that pain and grieving are a thing of the past. The grieving woman - mourning in her black dress and head cover - can continue to grieve and mourn as long as she needs to. Maybe the pain is so strong that the grieving will take lifetimes upon lifetimes of sadness. But we remember one thing as we continue with this exercise - she is not the only one. On one side she grieves, she cries, she wails at how unjust and how unfair life has been. She doubts herself and her own abiltity to live. But she is not the only one here. On the other side is a being of pure light and love that brings color, connectedness and meaning to everything. She is an all powerful mothering being who is the mother we have longed for but never had, but she is here right now if we choose her to be. Every moment we make this choice. It is not a choice to relinquish pain and never feel it again, but it is a choice to medicate and soothe the pain and to realize that there is more than the pain. The pain is not all that there is. On the other side, there is the pain, joy and beauty in every aspect of life that we are all entitled to feel while we are blessed to spend our remaining hours roaming this planet. At this very moment - no matter what I am feeling - no matter how sad, hurt, angry or empty - I choose to embrace the love, beauty and nurturning of the Goddess force. And the kitten comes to life with every breath - as every breath affirming life comes into my body, I cradle her, nourish her, and feed her and I feed myself as I do this.